I wanted to commend you on the work you've already done, you are on the right track. I was a quite co-de before the BD and have worked very hard to throw off that mantle. That programming from childhood is insidious and difficult to change but it can be done. Time is your friend.
About the 180s, I think you have it now but I know there are other places on the web where people talk about "doing the 180" and they mean going no contact, or really decreasing interaction.
In DB it means doing something 180 degrees from what you were doing because obviously what you were doing wasn't working.
With DB you also do what works, so if being with your W draws her closer, do that.
About her request that you love her like a man or whatever it was, if she brings it up again could you have a calm discussion with her about what that means to her? Maybe say, "W, I hear you saying I haven't loved you the way you need to be loved. Can you help me understand what that is?"
Don't get angry or defensive and if she doesn't answer just leave it.
It's going to take a while for her hurt and anger to dissipate and you can't work on anything while that's present.
Good luck.
Thanks, labug. I do believe I finally have the idea of what a 180 SHOULD have meant to me for so long, just wish I had figured it out in August/September.
As far as when my W says I need to love her the way a man should, I have asked and she tells me "if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Maybe your mommy should have done a better job of teaching you how to love a woman.." Unfortunately, her A is going to cloud my actions on the romance front for a long time. But, I can't do anything about that--I still have only myself to blame and only myself to fix!!
See? Lots of anger and resentment from her right now, and like you say it's going to take a while for her hurt and anger to dissipate before she allows herself to open up a little. I know time is my friend, but when she tells me she has a limited time frame before she leaves, then I get a little worked up (I have stopped getting worked up in front of her, which is a good thing)!!
I'm starting to see the bigger picture though....perhaps she does leave and the best I can negotiate is a separation (I think she might be agreeable to that at least to start). I can still work on the things I need to fix, and perhaps we just can't do this together under the same roof right now. Having said that, I DON'T want her to leave, but if it helps her AND I get into the right, more peaceful state of mind, then it would be OK.
