I guess I'm going to the crazy land...Oh wait then I can meet my W there!!
Yesterday I decided to meet with a L to discuss the separation documents prepared by the mediator. The mediator I might add that my Ws IC had given her as a really good guy who knows a lot. Well the L said that the separation document was so vague that neither of us would be covered enough by the document. The L gave me several suggestions about what needed to be incorporated into the document that made a lot of sense. My W had already been complaining that she felt the separation document was not very good and did not cover her enough. During the entire time she was there it was like she hyperactive and would not really look me in the eye.
Last night my W came by to pick up a few things that she needed. She swooped into the house (like she still lived here) and would not really look me in the eye, but kept moving around looking for the things she needed. We really didn’t talk a lot, but as she was gathering her stuff, I said that I would like to have the dog (the one she is keeping) a couple nights a week since I miss him and so do the other dogs. This was not a lie; I do miss him and want to keep spending time with him. She was not excited when I suggested I take him Thursday and Friday nights. She could pick him up on Saturday or I could drop him at her place. She was acting a bit weird and then tossed out something about her keeping one of the other dogs a few nights. I explained that we’d already agreed to that proposal and that we should work on the days for her to take the dogs too. She threw her hands in the air and said fine and we’ll see how it works out. Not sure what that meant I asked her to explain. She said we’ll have to see what happens and wouldn’t comment further. She then said, well do you want the dog tonight or start this next week. I said I would be flexible with that, since I had just requested this change. She said okay and that she’ leave him last night since she didn’t know what her plans for Saturday included. So I kept the dog. He’s a great little guy.
On her way to leaving she said that she wants to get together to discuss the separation document. I did not say I had seen a L, but as the document stands now that I would not sign it. It was too vague and that I felt that the one we wrote without the mediator felt like it covered us better than the one written. She kind of agreed, but wants to discuss more. She left with maybe we can discuss tomorrow when she picks up the dog.
Fast forward…This morning (Saturday)…Text that W is on her way to pick up the dog. Okay not a problem. She comes in and I try to be sociable. Offer her a drink, etc. I try and make small talk and so does she. She asks me about my dad, which is the first time in over a month. I said he’s doing fine. Leave it at that. I do look down and she has one of her rings on her wedding finger. Surprised, why yes. I have not expectation of what that meant also. I do not say anything. We talked a little more and then talk about Christmas Eve when she had to take the dogs to emergency room. I said we should talk about never having the woman who was watching them ever watch them again. This was from a text from her on Christmas Eve. She then steps back and says, she is a bit uncomfortable with that since she is now not sure if it really the woman’s fault??? What?? I said that I thought this was your idea and she again steps back saying she doesn’t feel comfortable with saying anything to the woman. I again decide to leave it alone. I’m not sure where this is going and it’s not sounding good.
We talk about her traveling overseas and the dates for watching all of the dogs during the time she’s gone. She seemed very uncomfortable with telling me the dates. I then notice that she’s moved her ring from her wedding finger to her other hand and was playing with it. She is acting very weird and uncomfortable. She did not bring up the separation document and neither did I.
Oh and from the looks of things she’s out spending quite a bit of money on new clothes, trips, etc.
sam, You need to step back and give her plenty of space and time. She's going to be in crisis for quite some time and there's nothing you can do right now except focus on you, your pets and your life.
I'm not surprised that she was uncomfortable around you...and this is called guilt. She knows what she's doing is morally wrong, and yet, she's not ready to stop the behavior nor seek professional assistance to work on her issues.
It's very common for mlcers to wear the wedding rings, then take them off and go back and forth. Don't read too much into this.
I suspect that your wife has told on herself and that the issue w/the dog getting ill may not have been entirely the other woman's fault. Your wife may have done something and whatever it was, the dog getting sick was done on the other person's watch.
Yes, she will spend lots of money in the months to come...it's called retail therapy and it makes her feel good because she feels she is entitled. Watch any joint accounts that you share.
I do hope that you are okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well today is a depressing day. Noting major going on with the W just feel depressed. She’s been posting things to Facebook. Nothing about any new “friend”, but pictures of our boat and wanting to be on it with a nice cocktail, her New Year’s Eve night out with several of our boating friends and captioned “New Year's Eve Dinner with great friends!!, and out visiting “old” friends (no names inserted???). I get the distinct impression she wants me to react to these posting by commenting or liking the pictures. I’ve chosen to do nothing and to steer clear of Facebook all together.
One of the major issues we’ve had over the last two years since she’s been in her emotional affair is that she’s “shared” a lot of our personal issues, her feelings and a lot of my feelings with this person and ALL of her friends and family. I feel is so they can validate and affirm her feelings in wanting to leave the marriage. I’ve always felt these people interfered with our marriage and she took direction from them so that she could justify her feelings. This made me very insecure (I know this is my issue) and I’ve been working on these for several months. The insecurity has been one big grip from her. I guess I could place the blame back on her saying she caused it with her EA and talking to everyone about us and that’s why I am so insecure, but the truth is I own this and I’m working on being a stronger person. I choose to not involve all of my friends in family in my personal business and I believe that the way she’s chosen to approach the situation is to get as many people on her “side” so she does not look like the “bad” person. I believe that’s call “rewriting our relationship”.
I’ve also been listening to the book called Boundaries in Marriage. At first I thought it was making me feel better and learning where and how to place boundaries on myself, but today listening to it more makes me feel like a failure and a control freak. I didn’t think I was as controlling person as this seems to indicate I am and that I could be the main cause of most of my Ws issues during our marriage. I agree that I probably do have controlling tendencies, but I want to grow from that and not be the type of person.
One thing during our MC the therapist and I tried to put boundaries around the M and my W would screen and shout (literally) that these were nothing but controls and she would not abide by anything she thought was controlling. And I’ll tell you everything was controlling in her eyes.
I’m almost to the point where I want to give up and file the f*ing divorce myself and be the bad person. I was talking to mutual friend the other night at dinner and he was saying that it appears my W and I have gone down two very separate paths and he cannot see how we could ever get back on the same path together with all of the lies and trust issues. I really feel the same a lot of the time lately. I think more now that she’s stopped communicating with me and I feel abandoned.
On a positive note, I am going out with friends more often and starting mediation. First class is tonight!
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Sam, You are the only one who can decide when you've had enough and I don't think you are there quite yet.
As for her Facebook Page, I think you are very wise not to look at it. She's out there posting this and that and acting like a teenager bragging about what she's done. It's nothing more than to help her feel better when people "like" what she's got out there.
I think part of the journey is learning that you have to go on and make a life for yourself and yes, learning to have patience. I'm glad to see you are going out w/friends more often and I do think meditation will help. I understand yoga is very good too.
The most important thing for you to do is take care of YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not much is happening with the W. She left for Indonesia today and texted to let me know that she had dropped the dog off at the house. She added that "I hope you are doing well". I said thanks for letting me know about the dog and for her to have a good trip and successful meetings. I got a "Thanks" back, nothing more. I left it at that. We are still at very minimum of texting and no other form of communication. I don’t expect to hear anything else from her until she returns later in the month.
I guess I just don't get the whole MLers need to run and not communicate with their spouse. She is still posting lots on Facebook that she’s doing this and that, with the OP that she’s supposedly in love with. The weird part is the OP has a significant other and she seems to be ok with their whacked out relationship. I have a deep suspension that my W and the OP are still spinning their lies and the significant other has no clue as to exactly what is going on between the two of them.
I just finished reading Boundaries in Marriage and I have a better understanding that I may have a tendency for being controlling. I don’t think it was intentional, but I do see how this could be construed as controlling. I’m not sure I agree with the entire book, but as anything you need to be able to filter things you agree with and those you don’t.
I’m just venting here as I know I cannot do anything, but let her go through the process. I sometimes just want a magic button that I can push to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. I know I do have a lot of people here on this site that offers a great deal of support and guidance, which I will always gladly take.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
sam, A large majority of the posters here are "fixers". It's not so much about being controlling, but we tend to jump in and fix things no matter what they are. One of the hardest lessons to be learned is to step back and allow our spouses to stumble, fall and then hit the brick wall a number of times before they learn the lessons.
I'm glad she let you know about the dog and her trip. That's more than most get in the way of communication when their mlcers are orbiting earth.
She is like a teenager bragging about everything on FB. She's hoping that you are reading it so that you will feel the loss and know that she's moved on. As for the op, try not to assume anything about that person. Assumptions will creat tailspins and you don't need that.
Take it day by day and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well interesting turn of events yesterday. My W landed in Singapore yesterday afternoon and actually sent me a text that she had landed and had a two hour layover before leaving for Bali. I almost fell over since I really did not expect to hear from her for the entire time she would be in Indonesia. She went on to text several more times, asking if everything was ok with me and then went on to discuss her talks with her boss on the flight over. I kept it light and said all was good, gave her congratulation on some of her accomplishments that she was texting about, etc. We did not have any additional conversation about our relationship. I definitely have no expectation for the reason of these texts, but it was out of character. The last trip she took overseas, I only heard from her when I sent her a text as that she received an important call from the airlines.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
sam, I'm glad she contacted you w/her safe arrival. She may have been having a moment of clarity...stay the course and no expectatiions.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wife was just here picking up her dog. She kinda gave me a "buddy" hug, but that felt awkward. She asked how I was doing, very superficial like. She really didn't care as far as I could tell reading her body language. Then she turned this around to be about her, "Did you see my pictures I posted", "We went white water rafting", "It's very hot and humid it Bali, blah, blah, blah". This is typical
She then went on to ask if I had time this week to talk. I asked about what and she said, things and the "agreement" stuff. Before she left, she had a package from our mortgage company, so she maybe trying to line up a buy out of the house. I think she's a bit delusional that she'll be able to afford the house and her condo. She has a contract for the condo until the end of September. I asked if she wanted to talk now and she said she didn't have time. Like she has someplace to be...Or she has to talk to someone/lawyer to get everything lined up. I doubt if it is as simple as getting the legal separation signed. I agreed that I would meet her somewhere on Wednesday. That's a night I won't be looking forward to.
I did decide to not do the mediation for separation. If my W wants to move forward with a separation then I will retain a lawyer to write the paperwork and get it in place. We've already spent several hundred dollars on a mediator who did not complete the documents to my satisfaction. If I'm going to throw money into this I'd at least like to have something I could use.
I have to say she does seem happy and maybe I am really the one making her unhappy. It also crossed my mind that she is probably dating and found the "soul mate" she's been looking for.
On a brighter note...As part of my GAL, my friends are participating in a sail boat race from Massachusetts to Bermuda in June. I will be part of their team. It will be over my 50th birthday and one of the guys (I grew up with) will be celebrating his 50th in May. So we've decided to celebrate while we are in Bermuda. I've also invited my dad, aunt, uncle, sister and brother in law to come to Bermuda and meet us there. And they are! I love my family to death and this is will be something for all of us to cherish. This comes at a time where my family is still in so much pain from my mom dying in October.
