H's MLC started when BF murdered

[GatorGirl]

Oh. My. God. H is in Brazil on business for the week. He FaceTimed with the kids and things were getting hairy. It was after bedtime and the kids were starting to go nuts. He apologized profusely and I told him that this was my life now. And it wasn't my choice. He looked guilty and said he would talk to us tomorrow. I sent him a text message and apologized for being so blunt, but every night is pretty much like this. We have gone on to have a texting conversation about things and I told him that I knew that time wouldn't change anything so we should just agree on terms and pull the trigger. He said fine. I asked him if he'd ever considered that he could be having a midlife crisis and he said he wasn't. So, FY, you are SO incredibly right on that note. He said that he and the therapist discussed it and that he wasn't stupid and wasn't having one. And I sat here and laughed out loud at my phone!

SERIOUSLY?!!

I asked him if he would admit it to me if he thought he'd made a mistake down the road and he said that he would but wouldn't expect me to take him back. Not sure what that's all about but it's putting the cart well before the horse. Not sure if that's the truth or a lie, but it doesn't matter either way.

I guess I'm just flabbergasted (and I really shouldn't be one bit) that he's considered it and just "isn't having one", as if he's talking about another piece of pie or something. It just blows my mind. I'm sitting here shaking my head as I write this. Unbelievable!

Truthfully, I'm so type A, the limbo and such is killing me. Crazy as it sounds, divorce can be undone. If he made a huge mistake and I'm willing to take him back, we can make amends later. I just feel like I need to get on with my life and I can't do that if we're still married. I want to date, I want intimacy and I'm not getting any of that and don't feel right about it while I'm still married to him. I feel like it defeats the purpose of DB but he was going to do this anyway. I guess tonight I finally gave him 'permission' so to speak to pull the trigger. Ugh. Madness. Sheer and utter madness.

[Raine]

My husband agreed he was having a MLC at one point (who knows if he can remember that convo or not) but it's not like it changed anything. I think it's funny a therapist discussed it with him and they agreed it wasn't.

It is taking all I have to not jump into anything right now. I am so action oriented too and I just don't want to be blindsided again. The thing is I see glimpses of the real H and reasons to hope. If he can come through this, he's the only one i want. I'm no where near ready to move on so I'm in limbo no matter what. You've gotta do what's best for you and only you know that.

[GatorGirl]

I have a strange suspicion that the therapist didn't agree with him. Just a hunch. He did say that he brought it up but it seems very clear to me that he's in denial. As if that's a great shock...

I suppose I really should go back to therapy and talk about things.

[Raine]

Who knows what your H is telling the therapist too. My H only let's people know that we are separated if they don't know me. So then he can get the support and validation that it's okay he left. I don't know if that helps him all that much. My thing is I see glimpse of H and moments he doesn't want to lose me, but then I also know he is behaving inappropriately with other women. So he doesn't know what he wants. Or maybe he does know he wants or family but he is not capable of what comes with that and so he's trying to be happy with a lessor version.

[ForeverYoung]

Truthfully, I'm so type A, the limbo and such is killing me.

If you detach from his craziness, and build yourself a fulfilling life without him, you're not really in limbo.

I just feel like I need to get on with my life and I can't do that if we're still married. I want to date, I want intimacy and I'm not getting any of that and don't feel right about it while I'm still married to him.

Besides the dating, what else would make you feel like you were "getting on with your life"? Why aren't you doing it?

I feel like it defeats the purpose of DB but he was going to do this anyway. I guess tonight I finally gave him 'permission' so to speak to pull the trigger. Ugh. Madness. Sheer and utter madness.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't initiate a D. Many of them don't.

[ForeverYoung]

There's also no use in trying to convince them they are in MLC. It makes things worse because then they feel you are putting all the blame on them, when clearly (in their minds) we are the problem. I found this out in the early days of our sitch, when I showed my wife an article that listed typical MLC behavior, where she scored like 7 out of 10. She laughed and told me I was the one in MLC, and then brought it up for days afterwards.

[job]

I wouldn't begin dating until you've made a final decision as to whether you are divorcing your h or not. Dating will alleviate some of the guilt for the mlcer because then they can point the finger and say "lbs is doing it now and I don't have to feel guilty for my behavior". Also, while dating, you are inviting a third party into your situation. What happens if the third party becomes more than a casual date and then your h wakes up and you want to reconcile? Then another person has been hurt by the situation.

As my lawyer once told me, if you are still married, even though your spouse is on the lam, can point the finger at you and call it adultery. Yep, silly, but he sure did say that. He also advised that if you are thinking about dating, do it as a group w/others, to protect yourself and your hopefully your new friend.

Just a couple of thoughts for you to think about.

[GatorGirl]

I didn't waste my time trying to convince him he's in MLC. I said, "well, if you don't think you are, then that settles it". I don't believe a word of it, but whatever. And yes, we are the problem in their minds.

For me, the limbo stems from needing closure. I have a life-I go out with friends when he has the kids for the weekend, spend lots of time with my kids, I'm redecorating my house and doing many things on my to-do list that I never did when we were together and married. Plus, I work full time, so my dance card is rather full. I don't know what he is going to do with all of this. I have given him 'permission' but have no idea what his timeline is.

[GatorGirl]

I couldn't possibly date or be intimate with another person while still married. The thought absolutely flips me out. I'm in no shape to date or whatever at this point anyway. My therapist gave me some good advice-wait a year. And I'm sure she's right. I also don't want to give him any ammo for later on (as you mentioned) that I was 'cheating' while we were still married (even though HE was the one that moved out).

I miss the person that he used to be and know that he's not that person now. He may never be that person again. The Monster that has taken over my H is not the man I married, that's for certain. And who knows how long the Monster will stay and if he will ever leave. All I know is that his BFF's murder changed him. Not sure if it's forever but he is truly a different person. Our friends seem to think he will regret this someday, but we never expected him to do this in the first place, so I can't really count on it-we're trying to apply logic to an illogical situation. Being a scientist really stinks at times.

[Raine]

Of course he will regret it. One day he'll wake up and see that he has lost the best things in his life. Anything new going on?