Hi guys, I have been successfully detaching from my sitch for the last few weeks - I do not contact stbx and he has not been in contact much with the kids.
The kids and I have been getting on with our lives and having fun. It's nice not to have to worry about him.
One contact has occurred: It was his dad's birthday last week and stbx rang at the last minute to ask if kids would attend a big family dinner for FIL. I agreed graciously but felt sad that I was missing out on our normal family occasion - I'm just not a part of that family any more and I have to get used to it.
I sent the kids off with good grace (actually had to spend an hour talking S14 into it, as he decided, after telling stbx he'd go, that he didn't want to after all (huge rumble at home)).
Stbx came in to our house when he dropped them off at 10.30pm - only to spit nastily in my ear that S14 had told him that I'd told the kids that stbx didn't want to see them on Xmas day. Oh boy, here we go again....
He is still SO fixed on being angry with me about anything and everything. Water off a duck's back to me now.
But anyway, to get back to my initial point, I thought I had detached pretty much.
Then yesterday, I decided to look at OW's business website - I need to keep up with changes for legal reasons.
I was gobsmacked (serves me right!) to see that 2 of the longest serving employees in our business now appear on her website as her staff in her business.
It looks as if OW and stbx have combined their business interests. This would also account for why OW is now paying salaries for stbx's staff. He is being kept afloat financially by OW and there is no way he is going to have to face the consequences of his financial recklessness for a long while now.
Looks like that trigger is not going to bring him to his senses. I doubt that he will have any reason for personal insight now.
This hit me harder than I thought it would. I know that on the one hand i need to say: Come on nlw, they are a couple, why wouldn't they share business resources? It's only employees; the fact that he left you for her and is living with her is much more of a blow than this. Get real, he has moved on in every way.
What i think is getting to me is the extinction of hope. I used to be so sure that he'd eventually come back to us. Now i don't feel that in my gut. There's no reason for it. No consequences, no need. His life is better without us.
There really is little chance that he is going to come out of the 'fog' he's in. If anything, he seems to be getting worse/further in.
He's now talking about buying a boat and has been on 2 more interstate trips in the last 3 weeks. Money seems to be no object for him.
Anyway, glad to have gotten that off my chest. Another reason not to look back.
I could do with some advice about how to respond to an email from stbx.
Yesterday, I made a second appointment for mediation following stbx's email asking that I respond to his offer for property settlement.
The problem with his offer is that he refuses to provide any financial documentation to substantiate his financial status (e.g. will not provide tax returns, bank account details or valuation of business).
His most recent email states that he will only attend the mediation session if I confirm that I "will be able to negotiate a settlement at this session and not seek further "discovery" of documents as there are no more documents to be supplied."
If i do not confirm that I will settle during this mediation appointment, he has said that he will cancel mediation and proceed to a court order for settlement immediately.
Any suggestions, please, as to how I should respond to his email?
He is ropeable at the moment and has accused me of stalling. I keep telling him that I am prepared to settle as soon as the relevant financial documentation is tabled. He keeps refusing to provide any details.
If he goes to court, we will both end up bankrupt, I imagine.
It definatly sounds like he's hiding something. Maybe he has more assets than you think or maybe he's broke and embarrassed.
Is the current settlement close to acceptable to you? Do you have what you need to move on? Custody, child support, alimony, assets split ok? Only you can decide this. If its close might be worth it just so $$ isn't sent to attorney fees. Not trying to give legal advise just offering questions to think about. Besides if its close whos to say you cant change your mind at mediation? Again I don't know your financials so only you can figure out what to do. Good luck!
If you go to court he will have to provide all this information anyway. You might want to let him know that.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Just wondering aren't the amounts of alimony and support percentages? I know my agreement is a percentage so that if he makes more next year the actual amount will increase. Can you two agree on a percentage without court? Then separately come up with his actual income for this year?
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Problem is that the settlement proposal he's put is not acceptable.
Our financial circumstances are very complicated - lots of secretly accumulated debt, missing money, etc. None of which he's addressed.
I feel stuck now because if I respond to his email by saying I am ready to settle, he will use it later to say that I lied and manipulated him into another stalling device. If I respond by trying to say can't confirm, categorically, that i will settle at this meeting, he has threatened not to attend.
He wants assets from me and he wants them NOW. He seems to have a particular date in mind and hence his stipulation that we have to settle at the next mediation meeting.
Just wondering aren't the amounts of alimony and support percentages? I know my agreement is a percentage so that if he makes more next year the actual amount will increase. Can you two agree on a percentage without court? Then separately come up with his actual income for this year?
Yes, percentages are involved.
Two problems: He will only address percentage split on assets and will not entertain consideration of debts he has amassed that are in my name.
He will not provide any documentation about his income.
It's just weird....
And it's really making it hard for me to detach and be calm about the process.
IT JUST SEEMS SO STRANGE. I must be missing something here?
He is getting more and more angry with me for 'stalling' the process of settlement because I will not agree to his unsubstantiated percentage split of his version of assets.
If I had some money, i'd just say "Bring on the court order", but I'm still struggling to keep food on the table.
I think you should stop focusing on him and don't worry if any or all of his actions are weird. His actions seem to indicate that he is hiding something and trying to force you to agree with HIS terms. Yet you will have no way of knowing if his terms are good for you until you have the whole picture.
Do I remember correctly from your past threads that he has a history of lying and taking advantage of people (financially)? If so, are you really going to trust him and agree with his demands just for fear of him getting angry?
How do you know that he has not acquired additional debt with your name on it too? You might be in a worst position financially than you think.
I am not trying to scare you, but you need to know exactly what your position is. Your money spent with a lawyer might save you A LOT more in the long run.
Please, TALK TO YOUR LAWYER ASAP. Sandycay is right. He will have to turn over all the documentation one way or another. You can try to explain that to him first, but it sounds like his refusal has been going on for a while. What does that tell you?
PROTECT YOURSELF.
((((NLW))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
He is not giving you a choice he is giving you an ultimatum.
I think your email response should be something along these lines,
H it would be my preference to meet again to negotiate terms however I can not guarantee that our meeting with mediator will create an agreement. I hope you will reconsider your terms for meeting however I do understand if they are unwavering.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
