Dude, I'd simply take that as a positive and keep doing what you are doing. It does sound a lot like the pursuit/distance dynamic to me, but maybe with some sprinkling of noticing your changes.
That said, what difference does it make? Enjoy it, and keep being you.
That said, what difference does it make? Enjoy it, and keep being you.
I hear you guys and it really isn't changing anything I do. One thing through all this is I'm trying to figure out who I actually am. I've realized since her sickness popped up 3 years ago my life pretty much stopped besides supporting her and taking care of kids. It's nice doing things for me and I'm starting to enjoy life. The flip side of that is it also kind of $ucks in a way. I hate the 'victim mentality' but I do feel a little used because now W is feeling a little better and can just throw me away now that she doesn't need me as much. It would have been nice now that she's feeling better to do things together. Oh well, her loss. Nothing I can do about that.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I hate the 'victim mentality' but I do feel a little used because now W is feeling a little better and can just throw me away now that she doesn't need me as much.
Don't choose to be a victim then (easier said than done, I know). In a loving way, be glad that she is better.
If she "throws you away," let it be her loss. Be the best Spartan than you can, as that is the main thing you can control. You are doing pretty well. Keep it going forward!
So today I pick up S4 from daycare and guy who has been watching his class for last 2 years calls me over and asks what's up with my little man. I ask him why he asks and he said since coming back from break he hasn't been same kid and today he was way out of character and had selective hearing. I asked a few more questions then I told him about D and he said that makes more sense. No teacher or daycare person has ever had a bad word to say about S4. It's always how great a kid he is and a leader in the pack... So I text W to let her know what they said and she calls back a couple hours later. I really didn't want to discuss it because she has convinced herself kids are fine (she hasn't had to deal with any of the tears or crying) and we are on opposite sides of this topic. I told her word for word what they said and she erupted saying they don't know what they're talking about and she knew this is what I would think. I told her we would have to agree to disagree and she kept going saying S4 just has ADD. This ticked me off and I let her know it. I told her she can justify it anyway she wants in her head to make things easier for her but don't ignore what's happening with kids. I asked her if it made sense he just got ADD in last 2 weeks and asked her if a kid with ADD can play with toys or watch a movie or TV show for hours if we let him.
If she continues to act like this towards the kids we may have some real issues. I'm sure I didn't DB at all but she can't stick her head in the sand with the kids. I didn't have heart to tell her that S4 asked me if we were still getting a D on way home from daycare. He then started crying later tonight at dinner and snuggled up against me. It makes me so sad! He knows he's hurting but he can't verbalize why.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
W gets home and we end up in same room. I told her I did't want to argue about it and that's why I sent it in a text and I'm only telling her what's going on with kids so she knows. It's not meant to hurt her or have any ulterior motives. In past she's said I was manipulative so wanted to try and squash that thought. I even told her I know and understand she wants out of M and making her feel bad or doing things to start fights has no benefit to me and isn't something I'm doing. I then said we can agree that S4 can get a little crazy at times (no different than any little boy but I didn't say that) but there is no way he's ADD now. Her response: "you don't know if he has it or not, you can't diagnose it in a kid until they are at least 6 and in school". WTF is going on here?? She just argued against her own point from 2.5 hours ago. This is getting SO tiring.
She then tells me I had a typo on the website I created for charity and she goes to bed. I just laughed about that and fixed it.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
In past last nights type of discussion would have really got to me. I would have been really upset over it and likely up most of night thinking about it and my next day would have been affected but that didn't happen this time. I feel really bad for kids and disappointed by how W is reacting to them but I slept normal and woke up in good mood. It was out of my system by 11 last night and hasn't lingered with me at all today. I even told W good morning and wished her a good day as I left for work this AM; she looked really tired and just mumbled a good bye.
I'm to the point with W that I believe she's in such denial and in her own world that she's lost her mind and nothing she does or says surprises me or is affecting me very long. I'm just giving her as much space as possible and letting her figure out her own stuff. I know who I am and I'm comfortable with the decisions and direction my life is taking. More importantly I know I'm there for the kids and they know it and are comfortable coming to me. With that I'm torn on what to do next time something comes up with kids. I haven't told W about all the emotional stuff or the questions they've had recently since she hasn't reacted well when I've told her and I feel she doesn't get it. I want to keep her in the loop on the behavior stuff but it just doesn't feel like she wants to hear about any of it and she certainly isn't reacting to anything at all.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I think that kind of information is best shared face to face in a conversation. The R with your W is so emotionally charged right now that she's not going to hear that type of info coming from you without all the baggage getting in the way.
And I would guess (mindreading here) that she knows the kids are having trouble with this, that's why she reacted so defensively.
Maybe next time suggest that she call the teacher so she can hear it first-hand from a person who isn't emotionally involved.
Her R with the kids is up to her but don't do anything to get in the way of that R. You continue being the best Dad you can be, supporting the kids, supporting their love for their mother.
There's an insightful article here about kids and D
Maybe next time suggest that she call the teacher so she can hear it first-hand from a person who isn't emotionally involved.
That's a good idea and I may try that. I really want her to stay in the loop but not sure she can hear it from me yet.
Quote:
Her R with the kids is up to her but don't do anything to get in the way of that R. You continue being the best Dad you can be, supporting the kids, supporting their love for their mother.
This is what I'm trying to do. Whenever kids have asked questions about mom I've always talked her up, even when it's not how I really feel at the moment. I think the hardest thing for me to get over is how W is with kids now. I've always thought of her as supermom and believed her kids were most important thing to her but I'm struggling believing that right now. She's still doing the school functions and activities but I thought her emotional coldness she has would never extend towards kids. I never want her and kids to not be close or have a good R.
From article: "Ask yourself: Can I genuinely say that what I want is for my child to be happy, both when he is with his dad (mom) and when he is with me?" Thankfully, I can honestly say yes to this no matter how I'm personally feeling about W.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
