How to make it work again?

[scaredsilly]

"For your M to be healthy and happy, the dysfunctional dynamics around finances need to change."

they have changed. we are no longer financially supporting his adult daughter. she has a college degree. more education than i have and more than her father has. she needs to support herself.

"It sounds like you are trying to fix H, control his choices, use his choices as a litmus test, and manage his R with SD."

sorry, but you are so wrong here. i don't care what kind of R my H has with SD. i just don't want to give her money. afterall, it is mine, too.

"FWIW, I agree that is is much healthier for SD to become financially independent."

i don't understand why you keep harping on this. if you read my post, you would have seen that she has over $20,000 in the bank of her own money. she has a part-time job. her college tuition was completely paid for. she has no student loans, no loans of any kind to pay. she IS financially independent! why would i agree to keep giving her money??

H is no longer giving her our money. i'm not testing him at all. i don't care if he wants to give her money or not. if he does, i'm gone and i'll separate our money that way. if he doesn't, i'll stay and work on our marriage.

SHE IS NOT A PART OF OUR MARRIAGE AND THAT'S HOW I HAVE TO HAVE IT. she is his daughter. he can love her, do things with her, have any kind of relationship with her that he wants to (as long as it does not include discussions about our marriage), all that. i'm sorry but i don't want to give her money. i will not give him the "space" to make that choice without saying something to me because it effects me and my finances.

i would not do that to him, either, by giving money to support my adult child without his permission. it's his money, too. it's a MARRIAGE, he's not single. if he wanted that type of "freedom", he should have stayed married to his kids' mother, for God's sake.

things in step families are not the same as the bio family.

can he pay for her dinner? sure. can he take her (or his sons) out to a play or a ball game and pay? sure.

i'm talking about THOUSANDS of dollars here, since she turned 18. i am done paying for them, legally and now, in my heart and mind. you're trying to make it something other than what it is. plus, it's been settled.