In Limbo

[AJW]

@Neverlight - I read your story too and there are definitely similarities. Except of course that my wife had an emotional affair and this is a first marriage for both of us.

Except for this date that we tried, I've been GALing and detaching pretty well in the past couple weeks. In fact, I almost feel like I'm detaching too well. I'm almost starting to feel like I don't care which way she goes. There's a lot of history here, but my W has always run from commitment and her relational history (including our marriage) indicates that she wants relationships where people ask very little of her. My withdrawal and anxiety/depression was largely set in motion by the frustration and disillusionment with her not contributing and working at our marriage, in addition to stonewalling me any time our relationship required a serious talk. She frequently hid behind the excuse, “I’m just not that type of person, I can’t talk about things like you can.”

Anyway, I’m just venting now. I’m not at all saying she’s all to blame at all. If anything I’m seeing more and more how a healthy marriage requires two people willing to serve each other in love. And I’m not waiting for her. I’ve effectively addressed my anxiety/depression issues – taking A/D meds and seeing the MC. I’m also working out regularly which is no doubt helping my emotional and physical health. I had been lax in doing things around the house, but with my wife out of the house, I’ve stayed on top of laundry, dinner, cleaning, etc. The walls my wife has built up prevents her from seeing any personal changes, but overall I’m just happier, more engaging and more confident in my ability to tackle the day-to-day. In addition to the marital problems, my job is on the line due to outsourcing in our company. Previously I feel that I would have crumbled under the weight of so much stress and anxiety, but I’m really facing it head on. I don’t know if there are any Christians on the board, but I’ve also started to have somewhat of a reawakening. I have felt distant and near apathetic towards God in the last couple years as I’ve detached from life and grown discouraged, even while going to church. But I’m eating up marriage books, podcasts, and whatever else I can get my hands on and really have been encouraged by it.

If anyone is interested, look up Tim Keller’s book “The Meaning of Marriage” on Amazon. It’s authentic and unashamedly Christian in its view, but he writes for any audience. In addition, if you have iTunes you can get the free podcasts of a series of interviews with Tim and his wife Kathy Keller on Focus on the Family. In my younger, more foolish days, I kind of sneered at Focus on the Family as boring and vanilla, but when you’re going through a crisis like this, it is a Godsend.