I think this is true of many R, we just keep piling on the hurts but you can't change what;s in the past. You have to start each day with a clean slate.
As I understand DB it's about one person changing and that upsets the relationship balance, as dysfunctional as it is, and the other person may change in response to that. We don't wait on our S to change, we change. And it takes time and patience, it took a long time for the R to build, it will take a long time to let them go, if they ever do.
It's never a good idea to try and change another person, it won't work and there will be repercussions. They must decide to change themselves.
And we don't change for them or the R, we change for us, because we know we can do better, be better.
Was it on your thread that I said: Be the change you want to see in your marriage?(Sorry, Ghandi)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
