Long story short, husband asked for divorce, then dropped the bomb he has been cheating. He was completely set on divorce, loved me but not in love with me. Yada.
So here we are, 7 weeks later. I started DBing 5 weeks ago. Some of my 180's were a bit different since his complaints were that I was too checked out of marriage and focused on the kids, which was true.
He started sleeping on the couch 5 weeks ago, still seeing OW. Stopped hugging and kissing me, little to no affection. I detached, got a life. Yes, I had my days were I backslide and cried to him, but they were few. Then, 3 weeks ago...we found out I was pregnant. Yep. Today I am 10 weeks. Got preggo right before DD, and I thought all my symptoms were stress. It didn't actually changed anything, we both don't want a "for the kids" marriage, but my resolve to be the best me I can for my kids got even stronger. With or without him, I'm going to be fine.
We both are in individual counciling, as he knows that this is his lack of self worth, needing this woman to fill a void he has.
We had still been ML, but he'd get upset after and wish he hadn't. He said he didn't want to fall for me again, loves OW. Still would sleep on the couch. Last week, he moved out for at least 2 weeks. It was a mutual decision. He came home friday night & I was planning on staying at a friends so he had his kid time...but he asked me to stay. He missed me. We spent the weekend together, ML often, he was affectionate and he slept in our bed. He spoke of the future and said he was falling for me again. Last night he asked if it was ok for him to stay. I said yes, lets take it day by day.
He hasn't said he is done w/ OW. As much as this pains me, things are so different. SOOOOOO different. I'm resisting the urge to pressure him about her. Also I'm resisting telling him to leave for the week until he knows he is done with her. I'm just trying to keep it day by day. I keep re-reading the section in Divorce Remedy on infidelity and if your husband won't end the affair. It may take time, but I do want to see if we can work this out. We has spoken at length about the problems we both saw in our marriage, most of which happened when we had kids.
I wanted to throw out how DBing has helped me. While I have seen amazing changes in my husband, the most is the confidence I feel in myself regardless if this works out. I am strong, amazing and worth being loved!! I am also just needing to share my feeling regarding the course I'm taking. The few friends I've shared this with...pretty much think I'm being a doormat. Since I'm the one who has done all the research and LIVE with my conflicted husband, I know that this "ultimatum" tact they see that I should do could backfire either way. He stays cause I make him, and resents me. He leaves cause I won't give time to think, and regrets it later. I'm just trying to live this one day at a time. If tomorrow I would like him to leave, I will. Today, my husband is showing an interest in our marriage and today I'm ok with him being in our home. 7 weeks ago he was divorcing me and thought we never should have married. Yesterday he was talking about property we should buy and how compatible we are as a couple.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
That is a very fast turnaround, I'm so happy for you! But please, don't rush things. Congrats on your pregnancy! That's going to put a lot of strain on both of you, so keep that DB'ing going in full force! If he's still seeing OW then I see that as a huge stumbling block in rebuilding the R. It might be a good idea to discuss that with a DB coach, I just don't think a regular IC or MC is going to be able to give you good enough direction on how to tackle that but I think a DB coach could. Good luck!
Well, he came home yesterday & told me he broke it off with the OW. Now, we are at the starting line. Of course now I'm flooded with all sorts of emotions. Can I ever trust him? Deep breath.
It's almost unbelievable. Spending this morning reading DB's section on infidelity again. Now to continue my work on me.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Gotta be honest. Michelle's books have really helped me!! Whether or not my marriage ends, I am a stronger person from this.
I am quite disappointed in the lack of support on this forum. I posted often on my first thread, and I can see that this post has 98 views, yet only 2 people have responded.
I wish everyone the best, but I'm done here.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Congrats, that's great news!! Nearly every LBS that moves to piecing has those same concerns about trust that you're having. It's totally normal. The LBS spends so much time just wondering is the WAS will ever come home that they never really address the trust issues and other emotions. Then when the WAS returns, suddenly all those issues come bubbling up to the surface. Again I suggest you consult with a DB coach, I think it would be money well spent.
So, I know my last post I said I was leaving, but I really need some advice or something.
I've been doing the suggestions that Michelle gives in Divorce remedy for when you spouse won't end the affair. As I stated above, he has ended it...but won't defriend her on FB. Of course this is the Old "I'll just be friends with her..." that won't work to actually end this. He admitted to me that he spoke to her the day after he ended it. He said he knows how much keeping her as a FB friend hurts me and he doesn't want to hurt me, but he isn't willing to defriend her right now. I was floored since at first when he said he ended it he totally agreed he would do that. This is making me crazy and I backslide a bit. Question asking, blah, blah. Then I was over at my friends house (her husband is my husband's best friend) getting ready to head out to a movie and he came up to me and said "if you ever tell him I said this, I will be so mad at you, so you can't tell him...but you need to kick his butt out!! This is totally unacceptable. He can't keep hurting you, and no one is telling him this is right. Nothing will change if you don't do something!" Well, this has me crazy!! Because from the time he told me he wanted a divorce & was having an affair to today, things have changed. He is sleeping in our bed, willing to try to end this relationship and is scared of losing me. He said he knows he wants our marriage to work and not do this. For me, I've changed. I'm focusing on me and doing more for myself than I have since we had kids 4 years ago. But...now I am just flipping back and forth between "GET OUT!" and regrouping and getting back to DBing. Detach, not focus on him...ahhhh.
I'm 99% sure he was texting her last night and one of my boundries when he was still actively involved with her was that he wouldn't text or call her around me. Then I am 100% sure he lied to me. We joke with each other "who are you texting" when we are both on our phones. Last night I could see that he was texting & I said "who are you texting" and he paused, and said "I'm playing spades"...then switched it to spades.
I'm finding it hard to focus on right here, right now. Put the focus back on myself. Not even a week ago I KNEW he was still WITH her and ok. But with this rollercoster of a week, I just need to center and chill out. I'm obviously not ready to tell him to get out. But I just feel like an idiot. Will this ever end?! I need to look at the changes that have been made, and stop focusing on the these other parts. I just feel like everyone thinks I'm a huge doormat...
I appreciate the suggestion to call a DB consult, but I don't have the money right now. Especially if he does move out. Its enough of a strain with both of us going to IC, which I have an appointment tonight.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Ok, so I just scoured some of the recent posts. This announcement he made to end the affair, and his waffling has really just gotten me to take 10 steps back. We fought for 2 days, he slept on the couch saturday night. I detached again yesterday and he slept back in our bed last night.
So, since I'm still wanting him to live in my house today, here is my focus. My last post was all about him. What he is doing...
1. STOP talking about our relationship. I get all sad faced and start a conversation and we fight. Write in my journal or go for a run.
2.Only talk to IC or my friend Sarah, NO OTHER PEOPLE. Their opinions get me to question my sanity more than I do already, lol.
3. DETACH!! No pursuing. Don't start all the conversations. Keep GALing
His compliants in our relationship were as follows: -Many of these would actually be most people's 180s, but I have learned through trial and error since I've been DBing that my 180's are to NOT talk about the relationship. Be more attentive, but be careful to not be smothering.
1. Don't listen, interupt-I have been really listening and I repeat what he is saying, instead of coming up with what I'm going to say.
2.Answer the question he has asked-yea, still need work on that one.
3. Iniate sex-While I have done this, since he is only interested in it 50% of the time, I told him he will have to until we are on stronger footing.
4. I don't complement him, or let him know how attrative I think he is-I tell him when I think he looks nice and when I find him sexy. I work to not go overboard at this point, to not seem to pursuing.
5. Focus too much on kids and my other activites-
6. Control everything, I'm like his mother- While he admits he totally signed up for it, I'm working on giving him more responcibility. While he is not really taking any of it, I'm letting it go. I handle all the finances. I usually text him that he can only spend XYZ this week, monitor the account like a hawk and tell him when he is overspending, repeatedly and often. Back in December, I typed out a spreadsheet of all our bills and when they come out and gave him all our passwords. He has overspent, so I just balance the checkbook every friday and 2 times I've simply gone to him and asked which bill I should pay since when don't have enough to pay both this week. This is a TOTAL 180. I would have flipped out in the past.
Changes:
-sleeping in the same bed -husband showing more affection -telling me he loves me -ML and him not getting upset after -Asked me out on a date -Going away for a weekend in 3 weeks -willingness to end affair -sees a future for us -says he is starting to fall back in love (of course it could change moment by moment)
Just getting back to focus on me, and DBing and the huge changes that have already happened has me more centered again. I will know if I'm done with the waffling. I mean, it's only been 2 months since Dday and only 5 days since he said he wanted to end this affair.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Ok, went to IC last night and feel pretty strong. Talked through my emotions about the Facebook situation & the texting. I'm doing an internal "deadline" where I will try to live each day in the moment & try to start fresh with my husband. No talk of R, no talk of A, focus on me & take care of me. I meet with her again in 3 weeks, and we may set a MC appointment then. The whole announcement of him ending it produced do many emotions & I went a little crazy and lost my DBing focus of me, and put it back on him & what he is doing. Also, I need to keep the R talk to only my IC, sponcer, god & journaling. Too many opinions & I get flipped out.
My GALing for this week:
1. Get art supplies. Start drawing again. Haven't in 10 years.
2. Start going through basement, cleaning up. (since baby will be here before we know it)
3. Get sitter this weekend to run both Saturday & Sunday since husband is going to annual guys weekend.
4. Make plans with girlfriend who's husband is going with mine to hang with the kids.
5. Get new book to read, something funny!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
So I'm just going to keep doing this like it's a part of my journal. Maybe one day someone will comment. I've read a bunch of another stander's posts & get a lot out of what you say!
So yesterday I really worked on detaching. I only texted him once and it was to ask where the jumper cables were. I didn't hug first. Really, that's the biggest thing, because he actually said that last night. For 4 days before he cut it off, we was affectionate, loving, etc. since then, he has withdrawn. He told me he was going to leave for guys weekend early, and I know he saw the mistrust in my face & he said "would you like me to Facebook message you when I get there?" my messages show your location. This meant alot to me, because how the whole not defriend I g her started was because he didn't want to be transparent. I told him that it wouldn't be necessary, his willingness showed me alot, but I may still ask him to. He then said "I don't know if we'll make it, but I'm here trying. It's not that we've been fighting, it's all the affection. I'm just not there." I said I understood, and feel the same way."
So, that's what I'm doing. Planning a woman's retreat in march, it's a silent retreat & I'm excited!! The weekend apart will be good for sure.
Continued focus on my GALing. Really excited to start drawing again
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
