CV, I have been trying to keep up but you guys are too fast for me! I'm hopelessly behind now. But I do think of you a lot, because I feel so much like the WAW in my own sitch. I've pretty much given up all hope but unlike you, I want out pretty badly.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Hey CV, Not to add fuel to the fire but I do want to say that I did take that as a bit of lashing out too. Maybe just the wording is subjective but I was uncomfortable. As much as I complain and voice my hurt in my sitch ultimately I want things to hopefully turn around and save the M. This is a me exercise and for me to survive no matter what, but it is Divorce Busting and not Divorce Promoting.
Now, you often mention and note you are the WAS, yet still trying to figure things out which is admirable. But, then you criticize your H for not reacting to your leaving the M. Are you WASing to get him to react or hoping he would react? If he did, what would you do then, still leave? Maybe he sees this or feels this. Or, maybe he sees it as an idle threat. Maybe he is 180ing himself and not reacting as we are taught to and just accept and agree. This goes back to his "I understand" response when you moved bedrooms. He may not have been taught it but maybe he has that natural ability. Or, on the flip side you say he is a liar, so maybe he doesn't understand and is really hurting inside too.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
SS, I know you're not happy about the state of your M. But looking back, are you happy that you did all the things you did just to keep it together? Would it have been worth it in the end if nothing ever changed?
Actually CV, I can't really answer that right now. I know I could never go back to that now, could never be treated like that again. I love H deeply, I miss him. I loved his child like innocence. There was never a dull moment with H around. That being said, we did do a lot of stuff as a family, just not much as a couple with no one else around. I don't know, I feel like I'm on the end of a yo yo right now.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
That's what I don't get about this site. Yes, it is divorce busting and not divorce promoting. From the book and this site I got that DB was about working on yourself to save your marriage BUT that many people who fail to save their marriages are still classed as a success. They saved themselves.
I don't feel that around here a lot. I feel a lot of people look down on others who decide they are done. I don't like that about this site. People should still be supported on their journey, regardless on if they have given up. I find it strange but interesting too, I get this feeling from a few people who failed to save their marriages. Maybe they tried longer? I don't know. There's a lot of factors to concider in each and every individual sitch.
I'm not saying we should tell people to give up, it's not something I would do (Unless violence or something of the like we're concerned.) but we should be able to sympathize.
Trust, once lost can truly be a humongous struggle to get back and it can't even begin, unless there is complete honesty at all times. Even then,.,,
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
CV, i admire you for staying with your H. my first husband, my son's father, was a little like your H. he was not attuned to my needs at all. he was not uncaring, just unable.
i wish i had stayed with him, for my son's sake. divorcing him has had a huge negative impact on my son, to this day, and he's 40.
as long as your son is not seeing things about your M that are detrimental to him, it's a small price to pay to wait until your he is older. easy for me to say now, huh? wish i could do it over.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
FM, thanks for chiming in. It's shocking to me how my statement was misinterpreted. I was not meaning anything negative -- at all! I was relating it to driving a '92 beater when all the neighbors have new luxury cars -- it's depressing to see everyday. Or driving down a street with $m homes on the way to work, then having to go home to your tiny little apt. I only wish!
I'm not WAS'g for the purpose of getting my H to respond. I think if H were bothered by my leaving, then his response would be something as simple as thinking to himself what things I liked and what things I didn't like, and adjusting accordingly. Simple 180's. If he changed, I would not leave (though I still don't know how to get over the trust issue.)
I'm curious, FM, this is the WAS forum (DB board, but WAS forum) and I consider myself a WAW. What sort of posts would you expect here?
SoulSearching, I know what you're saying. I'm not sure, maybe it's transference. As an example, some years back, I was talking to a GF of mine about H's lying. She responded by telling me that she didn't think it was a big deal, that she lied to her H occasionally, too. Ever since she told me that, I haven't been able to look at her the same way! Have you ever experienced something like that? Maybe when someone has done something that you find incredibly hurtful, it's hard to be sympathetic/understanding to someone else when you hear that they're doing the same hurtful behavior. So if a LBS was devastated by their WAS leaving, and felt like their WAS was selfish and didn't give the M a chance and wasn't forgiving and was "crazy" because they found someone else, etc., I can't imagine that person being very supportive of even their BFF if he/she was telling them they were leaving their M.
But I get a lot of the same thing you mentioned, about feeling looked down upon. I think you might agree that some of the posts on my threads are quite antagonistic, and I don't really understand the goal/purpose except perhaps that they're venting their frustrations from their own sitch. All I know is that it isn't helpful to me in any way.
(((scaredsilly))) Thanks for your support and understanding. That is one of the few aspects of my sitch that I'm certain about, and the personal experience you just portrayed is a wonderful reinforcement for me! Thank you!
H keeps saying he wants to have some conversation. I won't read into his motive or approach, but it's still rather crazy-making for me.
But I'd like to pretend for just one minute like I'm a true-n-blue LBS that is listening openly to my H's complaints so that I can focus on me and do 180's and make myself a W that is too good to leave thereby saving my M and creating a secure home life for S12 and living happily ever after. So, yes, I'm pulling a little switcheroo - sorry.
So last night, H and I were having a discussion that got interrupted by a page from work, so he had to step away. It was a rather awkward place to end and it left me a little dazed, but I still managed an amiable parting. After he finished his work, he came to my bedroom (I was lying in bed thinking) and asked if I wanted to continue. It was late and I knew he was tired and I had way too much flying around in my head to make it quick, so I passed.
I followed it up with an email this morning:
Quote:
I appreciate your willingness to continue our conversation after you finished with work. But I knew what I was chewing on in my head and it wasn't going to be a quick conclusion, so I hope you appreciate my sensitivity to your need for a good night's sleep.
So this is how I remember the conversation last night: H: I'm the one always having to give in because you're so hard-headed. CV: That's not how I see it. I can think of a ton of things I've given in on (leather sofas, RV, boating vs. floating, etc.) Can you give me some example where you've given in to me, especially since you think you do it all the time? H: (long silence) No, I can't think of any examples. CV: So why do you hold that belief or position if you have nothing to base it on? H: Well it's just a personality trait of mine, that I need to inflate myself or exaggerate things about myself.
So if I'm to understand correctly, it's just your personality trait that results in you painting yourself "good" (flexible, generous) and me "bad" (hard-headed, selfish).
So I accept what you're saying. I'm not going to argue with you or try to change you.
Can you see this personality trait of yours being any hindrance to my wanting to be around you?
To which he replied, "Absolutely."
So, pretending that I'm a LBS that is trying to do 180's, what would you advise me to do?
