Total despair 2

[SM34]

suckerpunch I saw that you had posted on my thread that we had many common elements in our sitch. So here i am reading your thread and I see exactly what you mean. Although I believe in your case there is not an OM to confuse things, yet many of our W's behavior is the same. I'm not an expert but let me share with you what I have so far:

1) W has not once showed any confusion or reckless emotions about her decision to leave. She is very calculated and seems focused on what she ultimately wants. Although, she has made no effort that I am aware of to actually carry through with a separation or divorce. As far as I know, she hasn't even consulted an attorney, even though she knows I have already.

This sounds to me like she knows exactly what she wants right now, which is to do nothing. At least in my case, I think my W knows that I am whipped and want her back, and that i will do nothing to speed up a divorce. Could they both be cake eating? I think its very likely. It is early in both of our sitchs and I'm not sure that either W is sure what she wants. Also, you have to know when and how to look for the signs of being unsure of their decision. For my W this is usually when she does or says something that she thinks will elicit a certain kind of reaction from me based on previous behavior. When you catch her of guard by doing a 180, you will notice she is a little flustered that you are not validating her decision by acting like your old self. Look for her being snappy at you when you are being very nice to her. She is irritated and bothered because you are not moping and sulking and acting bitter which is what she needs you to do to reinforce her decision.

2) She has not really reached out in ANY way to connect with me, physically or emotionally that I am aware of. All communication has been initiated by me (no longer doing this) or in regards to Daughter or separation issues.

I have the same issue. I think it is part of knowing that you will not initiate a divorce. Perhaps this is revebge for pain we have caused them? I have seen people suggest there is an element of revenge in WAW so perhaps this is the slow torture. If you believe she may want to reconcile eventually, maybe she wants the lessons to really STICK in your mind. Slow and painful would do the trick.

3) She does contact me daily, often several times a day. She is by no means not communicating with me. When she does call she is upbeat and never plays games. Just right to the issues, even though she is sharing more about her day to day with me in almost every conversation

I have the same problem. I think you mentioned the "friends" issue too. After reading a lot of sitchs where the W cannot stand the H and all interactions are cruel and viscous, it seems we should be happy about this friendliness. However, I think you touched on the same concern that I have, which is that your W thinks you will be best friends forever! No, we want our wives back, we don't want more friends.

4) She seems to have an odd outlook on how our Div./Sep. will look.

Boy do I know about this one! My W told me she wanted our D to continue to live with me in our house, the house she was born in and lived her entire 3 years in. When I asked her were she would go, she said I don't know. Maybe I would go and live with OM (who lives 1.5 hours drive away). So when I told her so you are leaving your daughter and you really won't be able to see her much right? she said, no! I will drive here every day, pick her up from school and take her home. Then hang out with her until she has dinner, bath and gets in bed. Then i will leave back to OM's house (1.5 hours away). Funny stuff huh? When I said you think you will do this every day for how long? the rest of her life? She said yes whats wrong with that? She is not thinking straight and the sep/div has not been thought out. In my case, the affair has her in a fog where she thinks she has a plan to get out of our marriage, yet she has no job, has no where to live, doesn't have a place for D3 to come stay with her, doesn't have any idea how she will see her every day, and has no concept of the 250 mile round trip from OM's house to our house. In short, she thinks she has a plan, but there is no plane! She is being selfish and that is part of the revenge mentality I think WAW have. You have been a bad husband for so long that it is now their time, for them to do what makes THEM happy, with no concern for you what so ever (I have seen a message from my W to a friend of hers that suggested I deserved to have to look after D3 on my own because I should have taken care of my marriage).

How can I move on with my life, and meet someone else like she said i would on BD, when she thinks she is going to hang out at our house (my house at that point) from when school ends until bed time every night. when I asked her what about when I have a new wife? Will you hang out with her at home until D goes to bed? What if I have more kids with new wife? Will you hang out with new W and new kids until bed? She has no answer because she has no plan, and no concept of what separation will look like. they have painted a picture of a separation that is perfect for them, where you still pay for everything, they are still welcome on your marital home any time they want, and you are both best friends. She can move on and meet someone because that would be outside of this arrangement and physically in a different location, but since you are the LBS who will stay in the marital home, you don't have to move on at all. In fact you shouldn't because how can you all be a family still if you move on? LMAO =)

5) She is reconnecting with people very quickly that she tossed aside during our breakup, people that she said she was DONE with.

SAME THING as my wife. Be sure though that she is only reconnecting with people she knows will support her in her decision. None of those people will be people who know you well or actually like you. They will all act as the biased shoulder and reaffirm her decision.

I feel for you man. I was told by the ladies on this forum that my "plan" was not DB principles based. But I will share it with you anyway in case you have not read all of my threads. I have seen this done by A LOT of veterans on here and it seemed to have worked for those men in situations like this when the W is obviously living a fantasy. This is not always the case, some women are independent and have everything worked out perfectly in their head, and their plan makes perfect sense. But if your W if not one of those women, then it seems when you look at other men who reconciled their marriages, those people "allowed" their wives the chance to move on in order to see first hand what a separation is actually like and how different it is from their little fantasy. It seems to work most of the time.

Do not act on this as if it is advice. I am NOT a veteran nor do I know if I myself will go in that direction. My W still lives with me, and my sitch may not evolve into her moving out, or may, it is too early to tell. Make sure you get a lot of people's opinion as well as follow the advice of your DB coach. I am simply recounting a common path to reconciliation taken by some of the men who's W is trapped in a fantasy of some sort.

Good luck brother! Stop by my thread every once in a while and lets share info, and I will do the same.