Piecing - Round 2

[Denver_2010]

Update... running into some inner turmoil...

Okay, so I've personally had a tough few days. Before I talk about that, I am going to provide an update.

Things have been going extremely well for W and since Christmas. We had a rough month from about Thanksgiving up until Christmas. Since then though, it has been really good.

The W of the owner of the music company that W works for passed away from breast cancer on NY's Eve. W asked me if I would go to the funeral with her and I, of course, said that I would. When we were talking about it, she said, 'you know that what's his face will probably be there'. She was referring to OM. I told her that I figured that he would be and that as long as he stayed away from me that it would be find. She responded by saying that she thought he should stay away from both of us. I agreed.

W told a friend of OM that she was going to the funeral with me. The friend told OM. OM originally indicated that he was going to go also, but we did not see him there. I had planned on ignoring him if I saw him. I made a point to act like I would any other time and not feel like I had to try and avoid anything. I am glad though that he did not show. Unfortunately, I have zero desire to ever see the guy, and am a bit concerned how it might go if I did and he approached me.

W performed at a party at the Hotel Jerome in Aspen. She wasn't going to do it unless the event planner and her boss let me go as a guest. So I got see W sing. Had a good time.

A few nights ago W told me that OM had again emailed her boss whining about him cutting him out of work bc W won't play on any shows that he is on. Her boss forwarded her the email which she forwarded to me. In it, he talked about how W makes x number of dollars being a teacher, x number of dollars per gig, and how her husband (me) makes x number of dollars as an attorney. He said how he is having trouble paying his bills and that he is 'hurt how you (boss) and her (my W) have tossed him to the side'. He called the boss a liar and my W unprofessional.

W talked to her friend (same as above) who is also kind of friends with OM. The friend said that OM was p!ssed off at friend and that he had gone off recently about W and how everyone is against him. W told me that she expressed concern that OM was going off of the rails a bit and was a bit worried for her and our family's safety enough that she asked the friend if that was something that she had to worry about. She said that she is just worried that he might go crazy and get a gun or something. Mostly, I just sat there and listened, but I did make a somewhat unneeded statement when she mentioned the last part... I said that he better have a gun if he comes any where close to us. I believe that W is a bit overly concerned about things like this. She always has been. I'm not too concerned about OM doing anything like what she is concerned about.

I forgot, a couple of nights before that last convo, W told me that my step son had texted OM while ss was in California visiting his dad. W found out about it from the mutual friend. W expressed frustration bc she believed that she had blocked OM's number so that it there could be no communication bw ss and OM. She asked me to check our verizon account to see.

I checked the account and found that all of the parental controls had been erased when we activated a phone that we got for step son on Christmas. I reset the parental controls and again blocked the number.

I went through ss's phone and read the text conversation bw OM and ss. OM told ss that W and I had gotten him fired, that he was having trouble paying his bills, that he couldn't talk to ss bc W and I had threatened to put him in jail if he did (not true at all), he told step son to look him up when he is 18, and told him that he just wants to be left alone. SS responded by saying that it was awful that we had gotten him fired and threatened him with jail. SS agreed not to contact him again.

I told W about what I had read and she was furious that OM had lied to ss. She said that she just wants him out of our life completely.

So the recent stuff with OM which is really only the email to W's boss and the text messages to step son is the first we've heard from him in a few months. It's not a huge deal IMO, but it is annoying that this issue just won't go away completely. I keep thinking that with more time, it will.

So now why I've been struggling...

When I logged onto our verizen account, it was the first time that I had done so in over 2 years. When I originally confronted W about all of the texts and telephone calls with OM, she had changed the password. I never asked for it, but she voluntarily gave it to me a few months ago. I never logged on though bc I had no reason to.

Anyway, when I did this time, to change the parental controls on ss's phone, I apparently had too much time on my hands. I decided to go back and look at W's telephone records from a year ago, and those right around the time that I told W that I wanted a D (about 6 weeks before she finally reversed course and came back). I assigned OM"s phone number with a nickname, 'dumba$$' so that I could easily find it in the records of calls.

When doing this, I told myself that I could handle whatever I found because things are good now. Besides, I told myself, I always assumed that W had not been completely honest during the times when we were hanging out supposedly trying to work towards piecing. I busted a her lying or omitting the truth a few times, but I never really thought that I had caught her every time.

What I found...

1) there were long periods of time where W had told me that she was not having contact with OM bc she was working on us, where she WAS telling the truth. At least according to her phone records.

2) there were times when she did violate the boundary that I had set (no OM if I am in her life, or no me if he is). For example, new year's eve last year. W supposedly was having no contact with OM, but I found at least one telephone call the night of NY's eve when she was at a show. W had called me that night from the stage (she was on a gig) to let me and ss listen to the music as the countdown ended. But she had also called or received a call from OM that night. She supposedly went home after the show (obviously very late) and I did not see her. Well, my mind began to work here and I imagined that she saw OM that night after her show. I have no idea if that is true, but it has bothered me a lot since I looked at these records. The second one that has bothered me is that I saw that she had spoken to OM for about 1 1/2 hours two nights prior to the date when I finally blew a gasket and decided that I was DONE (the next day I asked for a divorce). This was in early May. The reason that this one bothers me now is that, on May 7th, the date that I blew a gasket, W swore to me that she had not been talking with OM. The date of the 1 1/2 hour call was May 5th. I told her I wanted a D on May 8th... why? Bc something was telling me that W was not being honest. Which leads me to #3...

3) That it seems that every single time that I either busted W lying, or that I had a sense that something was wrong, there was contact with OM in the days preceding. In fact, it seems that these were the only times that W was having contact with OM. The NY's Eve telephone call for example... well, it was only 2 weeks later that I busted W lying about having contact with OM by reading texts on ss's cell phone. That led to me cutting off contact and W calling me a bizzilion times while I was on a trip out of the state. On the bright side, it seems that I had a pretty good instinct for some how knowing.

So why is this bothering me when things are so good now? I keep telling myself that I am causing problems bc of things that are history. I could barely talk to my W this last weekend, let alone touch her. On the outside, I told her that I was just upset about some work stuff... on the inside, I was furious with her. Finally, on Sunday, she went off on me. I calmed her down and told her that I knew that I was leaving her in the dark about what is going on with me. But, I told her, I do not want to talk about it. She said that if we don't talk, nothing can be fixed and that I will just eventually go off on her about whatever is bothering me. I reiterated that I do not want to talk about it and that nothing needed to be fixed... that I just need to work through some things. W dropped the topic. I have since been acting as if nothing is wrong. W and I have been getting along since, but there is tension between us. Me, bc of what I am thinking, and W, bc she knows that something is wrong with me.

I do NOT believe that it is a good idea for me to talk to W about what I saw or what I am thinking as a result. First, W would not be happy that I was looking at old phone records of hers. Second, it would be drudging up past stuff which we have both agreed to put behind us. And lastly, bc it will just cause problems when we really have been in a good place. The rational side of me is sure that this isn't worth blowing my M up over... the emotional side is another story.

I am struggling with resentment. Resentment that W could so easily lie to me. So easily choose to risk hurting me like she was. Bc she was so attached to OM emotionally that she could not just move beyond it during those times. It also has me questioning the trust I have put in her now.

For the record, I did go through most of her phone records from the past 7 months (since we began piecing) and it seems that she has had zero contact with OM just like she has said.

It is coincidental that carnac just mentioned resentment in a post and had asked me about it. Like I said Carnac, I obviously do still struggle with it.

I could use some input ... starsky? others?