Hrm134 is a poster here and one of her "themes" or "signs" for her H's mood was whether or not he put his toothbrush near hers, in the holder, not in the holder, etc... :0 She has the best sense of humor.
My W lost all sense of humor (well, almost all) just before BD, and she REALLY has no sense of humor for anything related to her, us, the marriage, nada right now...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
My H sense of humor is pretty much shot. One thing I could always do is get him out of any bad mood by just smiling at him, teasing him, and hugging him. He could never stay angry. He's not the same anymore. So dark and run down. It's hard to see him like that and just never knowing how to act around him. It hurts so bad to feel like the man I love has died, but he has this twin brother that shows up every once in awhile, a shadow of my H and has none of the same loving qualities.
Yesterday had my Dr appointment and let him know that we are separated. It was so nice to tell someone who just got it right away and addressed concerns and my rights without me even asking. He seemed to have a good idea of what was going on without me saying anything. While driving there I was just trying to keep it together, not wanting to break down in front of them while trying to explain what was going on. The first song that came on my ipod I felt was an answer to prayers. I don't think I had even heard it before. Since then I've played it over and over again. It's just what I need to remember to be strong, be myself, and focus on me. The song itself is very peaceful and motivating.
The Killers – Be Still Lyrics
Be still And go on to bed Nobody knows what lies ahead And life is short To say the least We're in the belly of the beast
Be still Wild and young Long may your innocence reign Like shells on the shore And may your limits be unknown And may your efforts be your own If you ever feel you can't take it anymore
Don't break character You've got a lot of heart Is this real or just a dream? Rise up like the sun Labor till the work is done
Be still One day you'll leave Fearlessness on your sleeve When you've come back, tell me what did you see What did you see Was there something out there for me?
Be still Close your eyes Soon enough you'll be on your own Steady and straight And if they drag you through the mud It doesn't change what's in your blood (Over rock and chain, over sunset plain,) When they knock you down
Don't break character You've got a lot of heart Is this real or just a dream? Be still Be still Be still Be still
Over rock and chain Over sunset plain Over trap and snare When you're in too deep In your wildest dream In your made up scheme When they knock you down When they knock you down
Don't break character You've got sooooo much heart Is this real or just a dream? Oh Rise up like the sun And labor till the work is done Rise up like the sun Labor till the work is
Rise up like the sun And labor till the work is done
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Hopper, Mlcers actually don't have a sense of humor. Everything is in black and white and depressing. The situation w/hrm's h, she could tell whether he was going to distant and moody or just speaking to her by the placement of the toothbrush. There was no humor from her h in this sign by any means.
Hopper, I'm so sorry you are seeing the exact opposite of your h right now. I've called it the mirror image because on the flip side is the good and kind h that you once knew. Unfortunately, you can't tease him out of a bad mood because they take things to a whole another level of seriousness. They become paranoid and distance themselves from you. Sometimes, if they have a moment of clarity, you may see your old h peek out just a little bit or he will talk like he's rational and then before you know it, he's gone back into the rabbit hole. It's frustrating for all of the lbs when this occurs.
I'm glad you spoke to your doctor. They actually see and hear a lot about this stuff. I can still remember when I visited my GP to find out what my xh was using my health insurance for. When he told me that xh had contracted a case of mono, I just looked at him. He asked if I wanted ADs to help me w/xh's problem, as he had just provided a script for another woman whose h was going through an mlc. I just looked at him and told him no. So, they do see this stuff, i.e., just as lawyers and investigators do.
I like the song and yes, it reminds you to be strong and keep the focus on you. Leave your h in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
when i "found out" for real about h - his ow, ea, etc. he was getting a colonoscopy & me next day- when i looked at his phone. what a shocking surprise- i nearly died (really- i thought maybe i would from the hurt)
ANYWAY- SOOOO - here's me , next day, recovering and for some reason being knocked out makes me blubber when i wake up. soo- some poor nurse is waiting on me to get normal- i'm blubbering away like mad- totally probably humiliating myself but who the heck cared. she was soo nice- was telling me that her husband was a rat & cheated and she ended up having to buy him out of their joint home- and how strong women are- etc.
total stranger- thinking back i think she must have thought what a lulu she had there- but anyway- totally nice. i also happened to go to my own dr that week( don't ask) and got chatting with the nurse - got blubbering - what a mess i was. it is soooooo wierd to "admit" to people who know you in one context that you're "near death from misery" and that's why - well, whatever is going on - is going on.
they were nice as well- probably think back and wonder what the heck i'm up to and what the heck "happened". it's funny now to look back- what a total mess.
stinking jerk- oh well- i'm still alive and somewhat "better" 1.5 yrs later.
i guess if we don't spontaneously die from surprise and pain- or fall into the earth and get gobbled up- we do keep on standing. ta da...
Oh wow. You should call Apple and see if they'll give you your nickel commission on that song-I just bought it (after listening to the sample) and I'm in tears.
So glad you told your doc. I happened to see mine after H told me he was unhappy and then saw him again about two weeks after he moved out. And I did break down and it was hard to get the words out, but I managed to do it. It was good for you to say something. I'm a pretty open book; I have told people from the beginning that we're separated. It's not a secret and not something I'm hiding. I do think HE is though. I don't think many of his friends have any clue.
Snodderly, I love reading your wisdom on MLC posts. It's so foreign and strange to us as we watch our spouses go through this. I really feel like a Monster has taken over H. He looks older, more tired, haggard but has his same happy-go-lucky face on like he always does. He's struggled with depression for years, so I suppose this is similar. He's in such denial that it amazes me. How can such an intelligent man not see this for what it is? Craziness.
Hopper, I know what you mean when you talk about the twin that has taken over. I sadly think my H's twin took over when his friend died and has been there ever since. There are moments when I feel like the H I knew died when his friend did and will never return. I pray that I'm wrong. I know some people never come out of the tunnel and I fear that my H may be stuck in it forever. I have pity for him for that-I can't imagine being depressed and miserable for the rest of my existence. How painful that must be. I have faith that you and your H will make it through, though. Your interactions with your H are nearly the polar opposite of what I have with my H. Mine doesn't want to spend any time with me at all. Nothing more than what is necessary to move the kids around. He's nice and almost annoyingly friendly but would never think of asking me out to dinner or anything like that. I have high hopes for you. You're in my prayers as always.
GG
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
snodderly, that's one of the first things I started calling him on was talking in absolutes before the first BD. "Only a Sith deals in absolutes." At one point I told him that I understood that he needed to talk in absolutes, but he needed to understand that when he does so, I'm not receiving it as such. He thought that was fair enough. He got pretty annoyed at me when it came to questioning semantics, and it was all a matter of me just trying to understand him.
nero, that is funny! I do think it's easier to talk to people that don't know me or H. I don't want to be the source of gossip around the neighborhood or be totally uncomfortable if we get back together and thinking people are talking about us.
GG I don't know how many times I've played that song over and over now. I need to make a motivational playlist.
That too is my fear. What if he never comes out of this? What if the person who comes out is a selfish bastard? His Dad suffered a major depressive breakdown, likely his own MLC about 13 years ago, and he still has days where he just sits and stares out the window. I feel like H has more going for him in life and more to live for. H's dad doesn't work because of the D, and I think that likely keeps him more stuck than H would be. When H left, his dad when into a mini crisis, didn't eat for days, wouldn't talk to anyone. He is so mad at H. His father abandoned him, and he has never gotten over it. He is so upset that H has done the same thing.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
nero, that is funny! I do think it's easier to talk to people that don't know me or H. I don't want to be the source of gossip around the neighborhood or be totally uncomfortable if we get back together and thinking people are talking about us.
you know- i used to care- this has dragged on and i have found that I've needed the support of friends & have taken it. at this point- i don't care what the feedback is in the end. whoever doesn't like my sitch or way i conducted myself- can just cut me out of their life. '
it was "any port in a storm" time and i'm gladder to have had an ear & a friend when ineeded it - than protecting my "image" - whatever that is or was.
nice not to care about that.
oh brother- families huh? very strange about your h's father. my h has a father & mother that were smalltown hicks that came to the big city (ft.lauderdale - woo hoohuh?) and never looked back. cheated on each other- each found someone richer & prettier- they split when he was young. he's got major issues - yet here he is following their example. and he hates them usually- but doesn't see the similarieties. oh well- i'm no psychiatrist.
My close friends know, and I have three who I'm very close to now, each of whom have gone through a D. The last thing I want is people I barely know coming up to me asking me how I'm doing or trying to contact H.
Had a long talk with H's mother that was really good. It was interesting to relate what is going on with H to his father. His parents adore me, so that has definitely made things easier. It's difficult to be in a position where you feel like people you don't know well are looking at you like you're some terrible person. I know I'm not perfect, far from it, but I'm not some monster.
I'm happy that I have some pieces of hope every once in awhile. A few days ago H actually asked me how I was doing, and it seemed really genuine. I said I was doing good. And he pried a bit further and I said, yes I'm good. This is the first time he has asked me how I was since before BD in August.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
It's not uncommon for a parent to be angry when they see their own children making the same mistakes they did. Sprinkle in depression and it gets worse. At least you are compassionate about it.
Your fears? That's natural. But I highly suggest you do what you can to deal with them if, and only if, they materialize. Easy to say I know....
It's also natural to want to tell the story. To have people know the truth and not villify you based on the slander a MLCr tells. I still feel that sometimes even years into it. But I can tell you that an outsider usually doesn't care to know. I'm glad H's mom had that conversation with you. I know it helps. But know this: people will see the truth. If you try to tell them, you'll come across as complaining and crazy in many instances. They will believe what they want to believe and you can't control that. But they do figure it out over time
You aren't crazy or a monster. It's really not about you. I know that is harder but it will help bring peace at some point later.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
