Still walking the path to my own happiness

[RegretfulLA]

Thanks for your time GH and afa! Lots to work with here...

So, the big difference I see between my sitch and so many others here is that usually, the person who has the A is also the WAS. The LBS then focuses on becoming the better option.

Once in a while you get a person who has an A and then becomes the LBS. Seems like those situations are much harder to resolve. This is what I struggle with. I fear he will hold that A over my head forever. My stepmother and I have a joke now... that every time H says "no" to anything I ask for, we add in our minds "because you cheated on me" - kind of like adding "in bed" after your Chinese fortune from the cookie. I am sure there is some truth in that, unfortunately.

afa75, you asked why I chose to end it with OM2... that was a no-brainer - H found out about it and completely lost his mind. Done, over that day. It was the first one (which was more of a friendship really) that I had a much harder time ending, and even when I tried to break off contact the universe would put him right back in my path again (2 times this happened).

GH - the turning toward techniques sound so great. I tried so many times (and still try) to be involved in my H's life in that way. Sometimes he talks to me, sometimes he simply says, "I don't feel like discussing this with you (in a nasty way of course). I felt left out from his inner life most of the time, not just left out, KEPT out.

Naturally I was utterly furious and pre 2008 I would have exploded at her and subjected her to a angry barrage of contempt, mockery and criticism.

Sadly, this sounds all too familiar. No one wants to be treated like that and we have to take cover when this happens. I became very self protective. I was reading something that Sandi2 posted - and she said when W's are subject to this kind of treatment they become very vulnerable to an EA. My H has not made this connection yet and still blames me entirely, with zero tolerance, for making a bad choice. Deal breaker, period. He says I could have talked to him about it, but every time I tried to share my feelings with him he shut me down. He actually told me a few times, "No you don't feel like that."

You wanted to know more about my comment that I wasn't right in the head. Well, I was really suffering during the first half of this year. Between moving house (hideously stressful move plus major $$$ to renovate the house we are in - all borrowed) and having a boss from hell, and then having a verbally/emotionally abusive H on top of it, there wasn't much left. Hell, there was NOTHING left. I have used the word "bereft" many times with H and it fits. I'm sure he had nothing left either. We were under tremendous stress and had no skills to deal with it, and no good will to hold it together.

Furthermore, this boss took a lot out of me. I guess you could say I allowed it to happen by staying in the job. It was not the kind of job where you grow, have mentorship, are inspired... it was the exact opposite. She treated me and the rest of the team as "underlings". It was gross. She made me feel less than - passed over for promotions... threw me under the bus in meetings, etc. I ended up feeling very worthless professionally as well. Honestly I have never really lived up to my potential at work and spent a lot of years screwing around before getting serious about a career. So that was part of it too. I spent some time interviewing internally and got nowhere and so my self esteem just depleted further and further and further.

Now, as far as my behavior towards H is concerned, here's my honest version of it.

I think he wanted a W who would defer to him more, who would be more traditional in her role. I always worked full time which left him with a lot of responsibilities with the kids. He had a more flexible schedule so he could do more, and I probably didn't appreciate it as much as he wanted me to. Over time he grew more and more resentful of the set up, even though I am by no means a slacker in terms of tasks.

He sees me as a "steamroller" - the kind of person who makes decisions on her own and seems to not consider anyone else's opinion. That's true sometimes, not true in others. But I think he tended to see it that way because we could not successfully negotiate anything. He does not like to argue and for him even disagreeing about something is a sign of trouble. We all know that's not true, but that's his view.

He sees me as ungrateful and unappreciative. Have never been ungrateful but maybe on the unappreciative side. He has done a lot for our family monetarily and is a great dad, always tried to make everything nice. He took care of me and the kids when I had cancer 7 years ago. Over time it became harder to appreciate those things though when I felt like deep down, he just didn't like me - or when he was filling one tank while simultaneously draining my emotional tank, as if it was a one or the other choice. Lots of contempt going on and I felt like I was walking on eggshells a lot to make sure I didn't upset him with what I was doing or saying. If I did or said the wrong thing I would often have to go into a long explanation which may or may not have been accepted. I felt like I was on trial a lot. I didn't feel very accepted, certainly not loved and accepted as we strive for.

I know I'm not much of a stonewaller, but I can see how I might have been critical, contemptuous and definitely defensive. I was not great at accepting his POV as valid and so I was more of an arguer vs. someone who could just let stuff go.

One of H's biggest issues though was the deception around OM1. I didn't break it off even though I said I would. Part of the problem was that I didn't think there was anything to break off. The other part of the problem was that I felt that my H was not going to come through for me and I felt like I needed a back up plan. I invited OM1 to a party at our house when H did not know who he was, which was crappy, and then 6 months later, he turned up at a party we were at and I spent some time talking to him.

This is what happened. This is what sent H into full panic mode back in 2009-2010. OM1 had no idea of any of this. We saw each other 4 times in a span of a year and didn't speak in between, but it was the deception that was the issue for H. Well, I can't say I would have reacted the same way, but it doesn't matter, it's how H reacted. And the fact that I couldn't understand it or really sympathize or be remorseful then led to a lot of the problems we have now.

So... I think that behavior can be fixed if one really wants to step up to the plate and change. H disagrees - people don't change, he says. I know I don't want to repeat these mistakes in my next R. So I really need to work on changing me, and work on accepting the fact that it may or may not make any difference in terms of my M. I'm getting more comfortable with that thought, but afa is right, I am tremendously remorseful and struggle with my own guilt a lot.