Limbo Land

[MrBond]

"I don't like that person and I'm not going down that road again, I'm not locking her out or anything similar."

Again, isn't she living somewhere else and seeing OM? Plus the children aren't around any more. You're not getting it.

"Plus, I thought having some sort of contact provides an opportunity for your SO to see your changes."

No not necessarily.

"Granted, I actually need to make the changes,"

So why haven't you actually started? That's the problem AND you need to leave her alone which is what she had asked you in the beginning.

"but what I've noticed on these forums and from the book is when there are no kids or other reason to interact the leaving partner can forget the DB partner pretty easily."

Again, not necessarily.

"When there's contact from kids, working together, or a shared residence then you're at least in their peripheral vision to show change."

No.

"One of her complaints during the R was that I was selfish and didn't really care about her and the kids."

That's total BS and you've actually bought into her blaming you. She was using you as a scapegoat for seeing the other guy. You ALWAYS took care of the children, whom by the way, weren't even yours! Get real and stop believing everything she's told you. It's all been blame and nothing else. If you also read the other posts, you see that the WAS starts having doubts when the LBS stops taking blame (not the same as not accepting responsibility) and starts demanding respect.

" Busy schedule, period, illnesses, hospital visits, the smaller side of "caring" so I was attempting to show it does matter to me - 180."

Whatever. You've been doing that and she still left.

"But I also see what you mean about not caring if I care....why did she bring it up? Just to start a fight so that I can be the bad guy and she can justify her feelings?"

You've already shown her you care. So again, is she living at your home or not?

[jzoom]

Alright, I'm taking it this way from a DB standpoint, and I need to wrap my head around it and live it.

She hasn't moved out and isn't, she's having an affair. DR says in the affairs part about letting the affiar run its course and the rules of DB say not to ask questions, just give time and space. So she comes and goes, stays where she wants with who she wants, and I focus on me. There is bill type stuff that affect both of us that we have to work together on. I'm not asking her questions outside of bill type questions. I have to avoid doing any of the "caring" stuff like the texting.

So, basically, locking her out, forwarding her mail, etc etc isn't happening, it's where I'm at. I'm backing off to see if she's drawn back in. If she's drawn back in I'll take what she gives. If she wants to have an R with me then we will work through it the way DB says.

So I've been screwing up like crazy, have been for a long time, and I might still screw up....I obviously have some serious issues. I'm going to do what I can now without having any further scortched earth tatics.

[MrBond]

I don't understand. I thought the children aren't there any more. Where are they?

"I'm going to do what I can now without having any further scortched earth tatics."

When are you going to learn that these aren't "scorched earth" tactics. You're just AFRAID to let her go. And I mean you have to show her that you're moving on.

AGAIN, the point is that you're not married to her and that's how she sees it. She doesn't see any commitment or anything to you.

How often is she even at your place? Is she still using your car, etc.? Has she paid any bills?

[jzoom]

I've got my car, she's hardly ever here, not running up utilities anymore, paying me back some money, and beyond that I haven't been prying. I'm not asking her what she's doing, where she's at, of she'll be at the house, nothing of that sort. I'm not going to lock her out, pack her stuff, or forward her mail. Right, we aren't married so there's no default commitment but whatever, I do want her back. I haven't DBed correctly. Right now, I don't have anything else to do but DB properly and see what happens. I know in DR it's talking about a married couple but I believe it holds true here: if the R is in a holding pattern it's at least not getting worse.

[MrBond]

Okay but where are the kids through all this?

[jzoom]

From what I've been told her and kids are at OM house most of the time. From what I've been told the kids don't like it there. From what I've been told ones father is getting upset and would prefer them at my house.

[MrBond]

So why does she go to your house? That's what I don't understand. If the kids aren't even with you (she was pretty heartless to just pull them out) why does she go back to your house?

[jzoom]

Most of her stuff is here so it's stopping in to grab a thing or two. Today she told me she's stopped in to check and see if I have food.

[MrBond]

You mean food for HER to eat or did she want to make sure you weren't starving?

You've got to start being scarce when she comes. Go out and show her that you're getting a life and living without her.

[jzoom]

She said she was making sure I had food.

Only time I was here was when I was eating breakfast and getting ready for work. When I posted about the hospital and all. Otherwise, I haven't seen her. My work schedule is set and she knows it, so she's not here at night.