What I want you guys opinion on: [/b] Me not helping out with stuff like this was one of her complaints during our R. But now we are not in a R anymore, and I won't accept a dynamic were it is NC unless she needs something from me. (Not saying this was the sole case here). I'm not her handyman or janitor.
I expected her to get mad or upset, but she didn't. Her tone changed a bit, but she stayed polite.
I didn't deny b/c I am resentful, but rather to avoid the resentfulness it would bring. I feel I need to work on not being the mr.nice guy.
Opinions?
Perfect. UF. Part of her deciding that you are no longer important in her life is her actually dealing with the world without you there to help her.
She fired you as her MR.UF so she needs to step up and assume these responsibilities of the tasks you once did. It is called life. You should write this down in your journal and how she reacted and how she tried to manipulate you. Then you can track it to see if there are any patterns so you can then deliver your boundary on being used and what the consequences are if that boundary is broken.
As this ties into your 180 on learning how to say no.
Good work my friend.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
1. You move on with your life. Continue to grow as a Man. Have firm boundaries in place as you navigate through co-parenting ,being a father , new relationships and live your life to the fullest.
2. She comes over says. I made a mistake. You go. Yay! She takes you back right away and change in what ever ways you think will make her happy. Down the road when she is not happy anymore again she knows she can cheat or dangle it at you for awhile and the only consequence is you will do anything to make her life better.
3. You two get back together and do not grow as a couple and learn how to communicate and have strong boundaries in place for the marriage. Separate in a few years.
4. She peruses you and you two get back together. You have strong boundaries in place so the next time she does this you D her and end the relationship forever. Just co-parenting and that is it.
5. She pursues you and you both work out what you want in the relationship. You both work hard to improve your selves. You have a strong relationship that is based on communication, trust, desire, friendship, compassion and equality. You both have strong boundaries that you both understand. Your marriage has strong boundaries. When issues arise you find solutions and implement them.
6. You move on. Do not grow as a man. Get in a new relationship, repeat the problems again and that one ends....
What I am basically saying to you is that there is only one thing that you can control in life.
YOU.
If she ends up with a nice guy. Then good for her. If she ends up with Mr. Douche-bag. Then good for her.
The only thing you need to worry about is you and your son. If she is not fit to be a mother then you go for full custody.
If she is fit to be a mother then you co-parent and be civil with each other and do what is right for the son , work through issues and do not take advantage of each other. Civil and considerate.
You control only you.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I would totally be on the same page if this was later in his journey.. or IF it wasn't a complaint of his w in which he FULLY agreed with in his first journal entry.
But she did - and 3 months into this journey - I HIGHLY doubt that she would awaken and miss him. In fact, I think it would just solidify her decision to separate.
To steal from 25 time + consistency = Changes she can believe in.
IMO - UF hasn't put in the time. He's changing but he is frustrated. Maybe because she's not noticing? Only UF can answer that.
UF - You talk about trying to stop yourself from becoming bitter but is that really what you are doing?
I mean - couldn't you just say to yourself.
"I'm going to do this for W... because I didn't do it before.. and even though it may be or turn into cake-eating.. I'm gonna take the steps now because I screwed up"
3 months of new behavior won't change a feeling in someone that took years to create.
Time will tell if she is cake-eating, or testing you.. be patient.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As this ties into your 180 on learning how to say no.
Good work my friend.
Thank you. That is one of the things I feel I need to work on. Saying no(justifiably) regardless of others reaction to it. Of course this is not done in a day, and I'm sure I'll mess up. But it is a process to go through.
I have to admit. At the moment I declined to call I had the feeling she would get upset, and for a short moment I felt uneasy and thought to myself "did I just mess up?"
I guess that shows this fear of rocking the boat that has build up in me. Of course I have to be careful not to swing the pendulum too far. I don't want to rock the boat just to show that I can/dare lol
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
If she is fit to be a mother then you co-parent.
Yes she is. She has been a great mother, I expect her to still be although I can't see it first hand.
Only negative I've seen IRONICALLY is that she complaints about never seeing S b/c she is always working day and night. "MIL" often watches him on her time, so she can work. Her biggest complaint about me was that I was always working instead of spending time with S(and her). I'm not being self-righteous about it, and haven't pointed it out to her. I spent far too much time at work the first year, and these couple of months doesn't make up for that.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
In fact, I think it would just solidify her decision to separate.
That's what I worry about.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Maybe because she's not noticing? Only UF can answer that.
She is noticing some of it. She has mentioned a couple of positive changes she has seen, as well as a couple of issues which haven't changed. Mainly listening and remembering.
I have bought a writing pad, where I write down important things to remember. YES, it's that bad I struggle a bit with my memory, the side-effects of my occupation might have contributed to that, hard to say. But regardless, some techniques might help me get better at it.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
UF - You talk about trying to stop yourself from becoming bitter but is that really what you are doing?
I do believe it is. She was contacting me quite a bit last time she needed help, and once it was done she was straight back to being distant. Of course, that brings some resent. I know it comes down to my expectations, which I should not have. I know also, this is a process of changing, which might mean to drop the ego.
I have seen her manipulative side, especially towards other(easier to see from the outside), and I don't want to be treated like that.
BUT
I'm not dismissing what you're saying Valeska19. You make valid points. So does chatterbug. I'm just superconfused right now, not knowing exactly what to do with this.
As I said, her complaint was rather my procrastinating than never helping out. And I do my best to kill that. Paperwork, S-related stuff, arrangements etc. I do it straight away, or at least as soon as possible.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Time will tell if she is cake-eating, or testing you.. be patient.
True.
If someone has an opinion, please feel free to chime in.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I would totally be on the same page if this was later in his journey.. or IF it wasn't a complaint of his w in which he FULLY agreed with in his first journal entry.
But she did - and 3 months into this journey - I HIGHLY doubt that she would awaken and miss him. In fact, I think it would just solidify her decision to separate.
To steal from 25 time + consistency = Changes she can believe in.
IMO - UF hasn't put in the time. He's changing but he is frustrated. Maybe because she's not noticing? Only UF can answer that.
UF - You talk about trying to stop yourself from becoming bitter but is that really what you are doing?
I mean - couldn't you just say to yourself.
"I'm going to do this for W... because I didn't do it before.. and even though it may be or turn into cake-eating.. I'm gonna take the steps now because I screwed up"
3 months of new behavior won't change a feeling in someone that took years to create.
Time will tell if she is cake-eating, or testing you.. be patient.
Hi Val I am a few years out on you on this. No disrespect. I like your advice. I think this is one of those replies where you disagree witb me but we are on the same page. I was writing towards the eventual outcome. Though we may try to make this difficult time in our life as extremely unique...... once we realize it is rather ordinary we have the upper hand . Where am I going? I do not know. But wanted to get in a compliment and give you a few thoughts to thing about. Thank you for always questing..
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
People disagree. On all forums. What seperates this one from most others I've been on over the years is no trolling/no fighting/not much OT. Just impressive stuff!
I appreciate the advice given, and I'm spending time reflecting on it.
Tomorrow she'll stop by to pick up S, we'll see how the interaction goes and wether she brings it up again or not.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Chatterbug - No worries. Thank you for the compliment.
I was actually disagreeing with the previous statement not with the outcomes... but tomatoes - tomotoes.. I also believe we are on the same page.. just different ways of expressing it.
Good luck UF - I'm sure whatever interaction you have - you'll do just fine!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Good luck UF - I'm sure whatever interaction you have - you'll do just fine!
Well thank you!
It did go quite fine. She didn't bring up me helping her again, but she did bring up the issue of this electrical appliance using a lot more electricity than others would, lol!
That's one of her typical traits were we would collide a bit. She knows what she wants and if she didn't get it/buy it/find it herself, than often it is not good enough for various reasons, OR so I felt.
She also asked me to throw away some paper she had. I told her there is a garbage disposal on the parking lot, use that one when you leave. (Instead of using the in-house bin). She rolled her eyes a bit and put it in her pocket. That's one of MY typical traits were we would collide. I can at times be way too picky on cleanliness.
Interesting thing though. A weekish ago I planned to ask her to go swimming with me and S. When I say ask I mean "you're welcome to tag along if you want". But I didn't. Today she told me "next week I'm going swimming with S, would you like to join us?". I accepted.
Not saying it means anything, just funny she asked the exact same thing. We have, however, already decided to go on a weekly organized swim with S(if/when we get enrolled).
When they were leaving, S ran and got my shoes and tried to put them on my feet several times. "mommy daddy boy". Seeing his facial expression when driving away was not fun at all. I just felt so angry about the whole situation, but I know deep down it's not justified. It's not all on her. I let her detach from me, I spent too much time away from them and the changes I did was too few too late. The progress I'm making with myself now, doesn't automatically make up for that. I wish I saw it sooner, but I didn't.
But hey, I'm not gonna wallow in self-pity or regret. I'll save that energy for GAL and personal growth! Or so I hope!
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Chatterbug - No worries. Thank you for the compliment.
I was actually disagreeing with the previous statement not with the outcomes... but tomatoes - tomotoes.. I also believe we are on the same page.. just different ways of expressing it.
Good luck UF - I'm sure whatever interaction you have - you'll do just fine!
Val... Its good to work in a compliment. Especially when it is deserved. You are a credit to this site.
That reminds me I need to go and give someone else a compliment on this site. Though I think she does not like me too much due to us getting off on the wrong foot ( both at fault here and I think it is because we can truth dart each other ). I have a ton of respect for her and think she is a pillar of strength to the women on this site.
UF you can take some time out from your stitch on your thread to just chat away about others.... Its a good way to make this site not always about you... Especially in your own thread... It will help down the road.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Thanks for the advice chatterbug. I should follow it up. I follow a couple of threads and do other sporadic reading, but don't do a lot of commenting. Can't hurt to focus outward, working on that in RL as well.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
I struggle a bit with my memory, the side-effects of my occupation might have contributed to that, hard to say. But regardless, some techniques might help me get better at it. 
