Limbo Land

[MrBond]

"I don't like that person and I'm not going down that road again, I'm not locking her out or anything similar."

Again, isn't she living somewhere else and seeing OM? Plus the children aren't around any more. You're not getting it.

"Plus, I thought having some sort of contact provides an opportunity for your SO to see your changes."

No not necessarily.

"Granted, I actually need to make the changes,"

So why haven't you actually started? That's the problem AND you need to leave her alone which is what she had asked you in the beginning.

"but what I've noticed on these forums and from the book is when there are no kids or other reason to interact the leaving partner can forget the DB partner pretty easily."

Again, not necessarily.

"When there's contact from kids, working together, or a shared residence then you're at least in their peripheral vision to show change."

No.

"One of her complaints during the R was that I was selfish and didn't really care about her and the kids."

That's total BS and you've actually bought into her blaming you. She was using you as a scapegoat for seeing the other guy. You ALWAYS took care of the children, whom by the way, weren't even yours! Get real and stop believing everything she's told you. It's all been blame and nothing else. If you also read the other posts, you see that the WAS starts having doubts when the LBS stops taking blame (not the same as not accepting responsibility) and starts demanding respect.

" Busy schedule, period, illnesses, hospital visits, the smaller side of "caring" so I was attempting to show it does matter to me - 180."

Whatever. You've been doing that and she still left.

"But I also see what you mean about not caring if I care....why did she bring it up? Just to start a fight so that I can be the bad guy and she can justify her feelings?"

You've already shown her you care. So again, is she living at your home or not?