My guess is these guys told her what she wanted to hear and made her feel good enough. They did what I should have. I feel like i need to meet with her or email her an apology for this. But is that the reverse of detaching? Help!
I believe EA's are built on how the OP makes her feel about herself. After all, she would not be attracted to anyone who caused her to feel bad about herself, right? That's how it worked for me. For OM to tell me I was beautiful, sexy, etc., was ego food to me soul. And, I think hearing it from somebody who isn't your H might help, also. When the woman hasn't been getting her emotional needs met by her H, and especially when she goes for a looooong time, then she can be vulnerable to an EA. It's not that she goes out looking.....but a co-worker may say something to compliment her, and keeps adding a little more as the days go by. She soon discovers that she needs to get this ego food on a daily basis. IMO, I don't believe a lot of women think about it as an A, when it first starts. It can start with just a simple word of appreciation, and by the time it has become an EA....she's hooked. And, I'm certainly not defending EA's here, just stating my opinion.
As with so many LBH's, you agreed to work on being friends with her. However, when the "friendship" became better, you thought it was the MR getting better. That is not how the WAW sees it. So, once again, you are heart-broken b/c it wasn't the response you expected.
Quote:
I know I should have been all bright and cheery but this knocked the wind out of me!
I'm not sure I agree that a LBS should act bright & cheery. There may some occasions where it could be applied, however, there are other times that the WAS sees through that behavior and thinks the LBS looks foolish. That isn't what you need, for sure. Instead of trying to be cheery, maybe focus more on projecting an "unconcerned" persona. (That's me, not MWD's advice.) The LBS is already having trouble keeping emotions under control, and his "timing" is out of whack....and to try to act all bubbly just doesn't always come across the way he intended.
Here's the thing to remember about the WAW who is in an A. It may not bother her to see you acting bright and cheery. But what would get her attention is to see you being unconcerned about what she does or doesn't do. When she shows up expectantly and she sees that it doesn't bother you. You aren't turned on.....neither do you fall apart. I'm not suggesting you should be cold toward her. That is where many men don't understand the detachment. They don't know how to detach without being cold. I'm saying to just work on being neutral. Maybe neutral comes before really detaching.
But the other LBS can help you with the detaching issues better than I can. My POV is from the eyes of a WAW who has been in an EA. My M survived my EA, and your M can too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
