House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[labug]

FM, what was your expectation when you poured the coffee for her? Was it that she would appreciate it? And when she poured it out you were hurt that she didn't respond as you wanted her to? That's how our expectations get us in trouble.

If you want to pour her coffee, do it but don't expect to get your needs met by that, don't do it with conditions. Note that she poured it out but don't let her reaction to what you do change you. Notice how you're feeling, if it's angry ask yourself why, name it. "I'm angry because it hurt when she poured out the coffee." (I don't know if that's how you felt, just an example.)Then you can decide how you want to proceed. Is it worth ruining your day by continuing to pick at the wound? Do you want this to color your interactions for the rest of the day?

If not, let it go. Maybe say to yourself, 'I expected her to appreciate the coffee but she didn't. She didn't ask me to pour her coffee and I don't really know why she poured it out. Next time I won't pour her coffee unless I can do it without expecting her to appreciate it.'

This seems like a long process but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.

But if you stay with the anger and don't go deeper you will build more resentment. It's a step in learning to not allow our emotions to rule us.

I spent many unhappy years doing things for others and expecting something in return. There was almost always a condition attached to my "loving" acts. I made myself resentful, angry, unhappy.

This doesn't mean I never get angry, I do. I was angry yesterday because H didn't fulfill a need I had. My IC appointment was yesterday, so we talked about it. I was out of town for 5 days last week leaving my S20 home alone. S20 had not been feeling well-long story-and I had asked H to call me if I needed to come home. What I really wanted was for him to email me at some point in the 5 days and let me know everything was fine and I expected him to infer that from what I wrote in the email.

He didn't email me so I was angry. I was hurt. S20 was fine so H had done exactly what I asked. But because of my expectation, I was angry.

So my lesson is I need to be clearer in asking for what I really need.

Life is so much better when I am in control of my emotions.