I'm wrestling with anger today too. I'm even thinking of bringing my paper journal back out for that. I find myself kind of nursing and protecting it... When people try to tell me how everything will be fine later, I resent hearing that. I want to be angry for a while.
But...I also know that I don't want to be one of those angry people. I don't want to be one of those people who had a setback in life and let it sour the rest of their lives. Sometimes along this course I have known how to avoid that, and right this moment I'm not doing it so well.
Don't know what to say for you, just feeling like I'm there with you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well I tried to be nice. I was up at 6:30am to make lunches for the girls. Heard W up so I poured her a coffee and left it by the coffee maker as I went to get ready. She poured it out and made her own. Now that is passive-aggressive, right? She always loved me bringing her coffee in the morning. I used to do it everyday for years to wake her up in bed with a fresh coffee. Funny, it did not hurt as I guess I half expected it.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
FM, what was your expectation when you poured the coffee for her? Was it that she would appreciate it? And when she poured it out you were hurt that she didn't respond as you wanted her to? That's how our expectations get us in trouble.
If you want to pour her coffee, do it but don't expect to get your needs met by that, don't do it with conditions. Note that she poured it out but don't let her reaction to what you do change you. Notice how you're feeling, if it's angry ask yourself why, name it. "I'm angry because it hurt when she poured out the coffee." (I don't know if that's how you felt, just an example.)Then you can decide how you want to proceed. Is it worth ruining your day by continuing to pick at the wound? Do you want this to color your interactions for the rest of the day?
If not, let it go. Maybe say to yourself, 'I expected her to appreciate the coffee but she didn't. She didn't ask me to pour her coffee and I don't really know why she poured it out. Next time I won't pour her coffee unless I can do it without expecting her to appreciate it.'
This seems like a long process but the more you practice it, the easier it becomes.
But if you stay with the anger and don't go deeper you will build more resentment. It's a step in learning to not allow our emotions to rule us.
I spent many unhappy years doing things for others and expecting something in return. There was almost always a condition attached to my "loving" acts. I made myself resentful, angry, unhappy.
This doesn't mean I never get angry, I do. I was angry yesterday because H didn't fulfill a need I had. My IC appointment was yesterday, so we talked about it. I was out of town for 5 days last week leaving my S20 home alone. S20 had not been feeling well-long story-and I had asked H to call me if I needed to come home. What I really wanted was for him to email me at some point in the 5 days and let me know everything was fine and I expected him to infer that from what I wrote in the email.
He didn't email me so I was angry. I was hurt. S20 was fine so H had done exactly what I asked. But because of my expectation, I was angry.
So my lesson is I need to be clearer in asking for what I really need.
Life is so much better when I am in control of my emotions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hey Bug, Actually to be honest I kind of expected a comment to say not too but instead she made her own and I did shrug and laugh a bit a said 'figures' to myself. It actually did not preoccupy my day oddly enough. I thought it would. I guess my expectations were low on it. Day was better than yesterday. As angry as I am or get, I do know she is angrier than I am and more resentful than I am. Less forgiving for sure. But your are right, gotta let go the anger more and expect less. I completely get your statement about spending many unhappy years doing things for others and expecting something in return. Problem is too, I believe both me and W felt that way. We were pouring out but not getting back in our LL's. This made us resentful.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I think this is true of many R, we just keep piling on the hurts but you can't change what;s in the past. You have to start each day with a clean slate.
As I understand DB it's about one person changing and that upsets the relationship balance, as dysfunctional as it is, and the other person may change in response to that. We don't wait on our S to change, we change. And it takes time and patience, it took a long time for the R to build, it will take a long time to let them go, if they ever do.
It's never a good idea to try and change another person, it won't work and there will be repercussions. They must decide to change themselves.
And we don't change for them or the R, we change for us, because we know we can do better, be better.
Was it on your thread that I said: Be the change you want to see in your marriage?(Sorry, Ghandi)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
First time W and I spoke to each other since Dec 28 was tonight. Of course it started with W making a sarcastic remark that I let go and then a second one that I did not...I had to point out the wrong in her statement. That was dumb....I took the bait. Then she yelled at me in front of the kids so I asked her not to. Then it ended with her slamming the front door going out with the kids. Boy the anger within her. She is getting what she wants....no communication, house for sale, staying away, space and a S/D. I have avoided her for 3 weeks and not a peep. Wtf? Interestingly in her rant she makes a point that I am disagreeing with her not matter her opinion....funny as that is what I was thinking about her for so long.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Oh ya, and a pretty younger girl asked me out yesterday. She is 37 and very attractive. That's the ego kick I needed! I have been distancing and detaching from W and ignoring her and have brushed off her attitude last several weeks except for the slip up earlier tonight. Thought her anger would have subsided but seemed to grow with 180/LRT. Looking forward to the company of a fun lady. My doc said it's a good idea to go out and have fun with a lady or two ...just don't get into R. Which I have no interest in. Oddly enough he said not to worry about quitting smoking right now if it is relaxing me and pacifying me, hmmmm...that was weird.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
