I realize now that as long as he lives here, I can not fully let go and detach. And he is not really free to heal himself. I believe I am the best he is ever going to get. I may not be perfect, but I'm pretty damn good. He bailed on me and our M - and that is something he will have to deal with and live with
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Very well written...and when I am having a good day I see this very clearly!
It's those other days that I need better control and the strength to keep moving forward! I am so wise yet so dumb at times I can hear myself getting ''more stupider''! _______
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you know guys -
I totally agree and feel myself echoing both sentiments. I was in SUCH an emotional tailspin yesterday. (my mom&sister crap) It's true- all of it.
I too feel that this guy - that i cared soo darn much for and am still somehow "attached" to - is making the biggest mistake of his life. well, our lives. he's taking me out with him- and i don't have the power to stop it- fix it - or change a darn thing.
it's just a shame- and sad. i just erased my usual bunch of "goop" - all the stupid soul-searching, analyzing, etc. i must sound crazy to all you guys alot of the time.
geez - and here was me thinking i'm a perfectly nice person- normal as apple pie. part of me still does- but when i look at what i say here & how i feel about my r's in life- i sound so wacked out.
BIG THOUGHT - maybe this whole mlc - end of life as i know it- end of love - END - END - END , is an end of me being the ole pollyanna i was always in life- and the beginning of a new and more realistic , hardened a bit - me. i hope that will be a better me- i do not want it to be a bitter icky me. I DON'T LIke this "getting hard" stuff- i guess you can't lay there and bleed forever tho. people are cruel & thoughtless- i guess i need to quit making excuses for the bad behavior and treatment of others & wake up and smell the coffee. BUT - WHAT IF when we look too hard everyone is self-serving and "small" and no one out there is worthwhile any more??? once one takes off the rose colored glasses.
we're afraid of that... waaaahhhhh -
what a drag i am with all this STUFF. This is what i do not like about me. this sense of obligation & duty & guilt & the continual internal dialog & analyzing. SO- YA THINK I'M CRAZY OR WHAT???
I want to take a shower- but INSTEAD i'll go over my mothers to make sure she's getting up & okay & steady on her feet. see what i mean- my other sisters merely have to go about their lives and assume i'll do it- and i'm such a dope - i DO!
with h too- he gets to go around doing whatever he wants and he THINKS I'LL always understand & 'GET used to it" - can you just die. what an arrogant bum - he said it in there somewhere - - his assumption that i'll love him no matter what apparently.
maybe yes, maybe no. people can kill love or change it. my mother is just like him- i mean creepily so- i've apparently picked her in a mate (OH GOD). they don't realize i may feel obligation & go thru the motions- but they chip away and damage one's heart - and it's never the same.
can't flesh that out- i'm different inside to both of them. they are so worried about themselves - they inflicT a bit too much pain & think good ole me will always absorb it.
OKAY- SORRY FOR THE ICKY POOR-ME CRAPPOLA - HERE'S ME JACKING UP MY SHORTS AND GETTING ON WITH IT ALL. what a pity-sponge i sound like. i hate that i even "get like" this- i know if my life was devoid of people i'd hate it- i feel unable to deal with the junk at this moment that seems to come with everyone.
boy- dawn - like you, i need to go off on a wonderful somehow fun filled vacation somewhere - have a great time with people i like that like me- no baggage - nothing below the surface - just enjoy life at face value.
HEY- I'M DOING JUST THAT TODAY- NOT ALLOWING MYS3LF TO HAVE EVEN ONE THOUGHT THAT IS "BELOW THE SURFACE" TYPE THING- JUST KEEP IT LITE-
