It’s definitely an interesting distinction… hope v. expectations. I think that when I made the decision to try to fix things with H, I had a lot of expectations. But, as time went on, I guess that waned a bit. The hope is a killer. What I’ve been unable to do in my own mind is what you did… create new hopes. I’ve allowed this mess to define me, I guess. It should have been obvious to me because every bit of progress I had made was slowly being eroded. I just didn’t notice until the depression became so bad. And crawling out of this hole I’ve created for myself is hard because I have no idea what to hope for anymore. It all sounds whiny, I get it. But it’s just an honest look inside myself.
I find it interesting that your H wrote an e-mail. I mean I think it’s encouraging that he’s not totally oblivious. You wish you could knock them in the head sometimes. But I do get that it just becomes overwhelmingly frustrating to keep going through the same cycle. I’m not sure if you mentioned trying this, but have you tried continuing the conversation via e-mail? I find when I’m completely overwhelmed by emotion that it is easier to write than to talk. It annoys most people, but I do have a few friends who accept that about me and deal with me on that level. Anyway, just throwing that out there.
If, indeed, the answer for you is that you cannot save M, what’s the plan? Do you want to wait until S graduates before you decide to go?
