House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[FloydMan]

Ding! Sometimes a lightbulb goes on when you least expect it. My W has been pi**ed that I had not looked after myself for quite a while....A couple of years. Had some serious health issues 11 years ago and 4 surgeries in 8 years for a couple things. After all was done I still did not take care of myself having that invincible feeling again. No excuse but no time for myself. I had bad habits health wise. I can hear her now wondering 'how could he look after me and the kids if he does not look after himself?' In fact maybe she said that in a rant last year. She would always be on me about looking after myself and always concerned how i looked and dressed. I think i took it like she was putting me down. Picking my clothes, straightening ties, hair, popping zits, tugging nose and ear hair. i did not like the mothering part as i did not get that from my mother at all. I keep very good hygiene and she loves that about me but everything else has to be perfect. She almost lost me 12 years ago, it was that bad and she went through hell while I spent months in the hospital. I was incapacitated for a while. She was scared and still helped me, changed bedpans, was on the doctors, helped nurses all the while dealing with 1st daughter who was not even 3 at the time along with her own busy job.
She is right! I did look after myself properly after I got back on my feet. I worked like a fiend and provided very well but had some bad habits, poor eating choices and was stressed. I Stopped playing sports (hockey and baseball) because of health and injury. I coached but did not exercise anymore. I lost confidence in myself as i was no longer athletic and lost that outlet. I let my mind and my body go. not obese but a few pounds too heavy and generally not the same. I am fit again now but it is amazing that this just hit me a few minutes ago as I was out having a smoke....which I started in the spring this year after 25 years of not smoking. I have been enjoying/relying on the pathetically pacifying effect through this stressful time but wtf am I doing????? She hates smoking and what it does. She has not said anything except once on Oct and once in Aug that I stunk. Nothing about health. Just another thing she thinks i won't change and change consistently. For years she was on me to look after myself. Could she have given up on me because I gave up on myself? Not looking after myself and not happy in my job even though I made great money? I was not happy. She has nursed me back to health a couple times. Could I have been so selfish not to be there for her to feel secure. The attraction of a self-confident active and fit man who was professional was letting himself go with bad choices and habits was lost. Intimacy was lost through the stress and business of life. She sacrificed for me. I always told her I loved her for that but did not back it up with actions. I only got defensive when I perceived nagging. She was giving me love by telling me what she needed...someone she did not have to care for and too responsibility for their own health. Enough on her plate with her sick, parents now. I feel great now, and am trim. just not the muscles anymore but not bad. i get compliments. Smoking ... I will be quitting...it is a bad choice and bad example for the kids though I keep,it away from them but they know. She sees too much risk and work in me. I think this is a big thing. Not all but a big thing.