From Survivng to Thriving & backslides in between.

[AJM]

Kimmerz? I'm hoping you're ok and so OK that you're not posting anymore.



AJ

[Kimmerz]

HI!!!!

Hey AJ thanks for your concern! And to answer your question, well yes, Im doing pretty damn good I guess you could say.

The past two weeks many things have fallen into place for me as I continue to work through my midlife transition.

Hmmm maybe that's what my new thread should be titled.

So I was just reading over Tad's thread and what Antonia posted. Then it got me to thinking of "why" my marriage failed.... for about 2 seconds and......

Then guess what hit me? I don't really care anymore as to why it failed! All I know is this man is impossible to deal with and Im glad he's gone. I've done all I can to try and remain at peace with this guy, but I now accept that this will never happen! I fully acknowledge our relationship was and still is toxic. I no longer want any uncessary drama in my life, and having expectations of him and even making an effort to get along with him is only going to cause me strife, so to Hell with it!

I think I just needed another year and a half to really see him through a different lense and to get a better perspective. As my perspective changed and reality became much clearer, acceptance and letting go came right alot with it. I can see the forrest for the tree's now. It also took XH a year and a half to start to act like we're divorced. Who would've ever thought it would take the dumper to treat the dumpee like they were divorced.

On another note I've been thinking about new relationships, and if Im ready for one. Im looking into new jobs prospects and hopefully starting college in the Spring or Fall. Im working on starting my new financial life with Chapter 7 thanks to XH running off and blowing money, but Im not even bitter about that believe it or not. Very unfortunate and stupid of him, but he did what he did. Im in charge of my own finances, and no longer have to wait around for him to contribute to our financial well being, or ruin for that matter.

I finally realized that over the last year and a half I befriended 3 men I didn't even know, considered relationships with them but it was clear to me they weren't "the one's".

With that thought I actually felt good about being single. Im proud of myself for not going out and getting hooked up directly after XH left to just fill the void I was feeling! And what I've realized is that void I felt was really ME ALL ALONG! I needed to reconnect with me, and find ME AGAIN! I didn't need XH to fill that void, or "someone" to kill time or help me to avoid myself.

Now that me, myself and I have gotten re aquainted, well it explains alot. I lost almost all respect for myself. I think XH might've lost all respect for himself too... but thinks he's finding it through other people and other things. Boy am I glad I kept my nose to the grindstone and decided I was going on this journey and truly find myself, by myself.


Yes, still there are times that I do miss things about marriage and yes there are still things I do miss about XH. I still do miss the friendship part at times. Sometimes I wonder if this is where XH was mentally when he's tried being so nice to me and acting like all is ok. But then when I realize the horrible spewing, anger and blame he would whip me with, my answer is a big no! He surely hasn't forgiven me for all the things he thinks I've done to him to make his life miserable.

But I truly realize that I never would've gotten to the core of "me" if he hadn't had left and we did go our separate ways.

[job]

Kimmerz,
I am so proud of you! Yes, it does take about a year to two years after a divorce to actually see the light of day once again. The rose colored glasses have been removed and now you can see things much more clearly.

Kimmerz, you have grown by leaps and bounds and you will continue to do so. What you have experienced has made you a stronger, more independent and wiser lady who can go out in the world and share her experiences w/others. I found that I began to look at life, people and situations differently, i.e., w/more compassion and empathy. The road we traveled makaes us face ourselves and we change as we walk it. Life is never the same once we've made it to the other side...it will be better in time.

You are on your way! Congratulations! You've made it to the other side. There will be times when you miss things about your old life and your xh, but they will be a blip on the radar and they will not hurt as much. Try to remember the goods times and know that something good did come out of your marriage...your children.

Hang in there!

[AntoniaB]

I just popped in a sec to see this really great post from you Kimmerz, you sound like you've had quite the epiphany. Yeah!!!

This whole "owning being single" thing is really on my mind lately and on the minds of a few of my single female friends who are about 10 years younger, but it's a way we are all connecting. We have noticed how much the world seems to pity single women, with people always saying things like "don't worry eventually you'll meet Mr. Right" or "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your prince!" (GAG ME!)

I think the problem is that there aren't enough single people out there just saying look, I'm happy to be me, I'm happy with my life, and I don't "need" someone to make me "complete", I am complete.

My XH's MLC in the end was a gift because it forced me to confront that that void in me was mine alone, that it wasn't HIS failure to make me complete, that I wasn't capable of finding peace alone, and I was clingy. SO WAS HE!! And so he still is now with his OW. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because he still has all the stuff to learn that I have internalized now.

But it's at the point for me where I simply will not invite into my life any dating or relationship with someone unless it enhances what I've already got on my own. I'm just not going to "settle" for anything less. And that's a powerful place to be. You sound like you are there too; you're not going to settle for the drama and the pain and suffering because you know that you have the skills to life your life yourself and find peace on your own.

The good part about this is that I am much better able to see the good from long ago about my marriage. I don't want my marriage to register in my mind or anyone else's as the way it was at the very end, the 5%. I want the 95% to be what I remember. And being happy in my own skin has enabled me to do that.

I think you sound terrific and like you are "on the other side" as snodderly says. Good for you!

[AJM]

Glad to hear from your Kimmerz! I'm very happy to hear about your re-acquaintance with such a fine person; I'm sure you were missed

And I agree, very fine epiphany. You have learned a great deal and are a very strong woman. Just took some time to let that shine through. Keep up the journey!

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

Kimmerz, that was such an awesome post to read. Just starting this journey, I have peace knowing that at the end of this, I'm going to be great. My kids are going to be fine. H is the one whose future is up in the air. I've been through too much already to lower my expectations of what I want in life and what I would want from a partner. 5 months ago I think I would have sacrificed anything, having a H who was only in the marriage for the kids. Never again will I be that insecure person.