When tapestries of life get tangled in the loom.

[Valeska19]

Break it down more..

HOW are you going to try to be the best dad possible?
HOW are you going to build that co-parenting relationship?

Answering the "how's" is where the work begins.

[MrBond]

"my S not responding to me made it difficult for me to be intersted in him IN THE BEGINNING ."

Uh I believe we all understood that. Which is why you don't understand that it's YOUR job to GET INTERESTED. Especially at the beginning. It's why you are having a hard time bonding with him now.

So again, I ask (and others are listening).

So what exactly have you learned about your son? When is his next doctor's appointment? Do you know what to do if his eczema or stomach problems come up?

[Big Bruce]

I'll ask W today. She must know.

[eyesopen]

Maybe you could ask to join them at his next appt.?

[25yearsmlc]

Many great posts^^^....

Bruce take them in. Please...

Even though it's not supposed to be about getting your wife back, but about being a great father, the fact is that both goals work together well.


I'm sure It would be more important to your wife to hear you ask genuine meaningful questions about your son's welfare, than whether you make eye contact w/her or ask her about HER schooling, or HER goals, etc.

She won't want to reconcile with a man who's not going to help her raise her son.

And if you're interested in reconciling only to AGAIN hand over all the child care issues to HER, then she's not going to benefit at all from a reconciliation.

That type of "family dynamic" is what she left behind.

So ask her all the questions that you need to ask, and LISTEN to those answers. If she has to repeat herself about your son's welfare, that won't play well.

But if you need to ask now, even though you have already, do so.

This time really take it in and take notes if you have to. LEARN about your son.

I was never bored and I've had 3 kids. It gets wearing, for sure. I needed a break, yes indeed. But I think the kids are fascinating. I loved "re-learning/re-discovering" things with them, like what bugs are under a rock, finding the most beautiful leaves in the autumn, and seeing how pretty a flower smells, and this is just what we'd see on a walk in our neighborhood...on Valentine's day you can outline his hand on a piece of strong paper and help HIM "sign" his name. It's not expensive but she'll treasure it if she thinks HE helped make it...

and at some level she'll be grateful to you for helping HIM give her something.


You can take him with you on errands if you aren't unreasonable w/those errands. For instance, it's NOT reasonable to expect a 2 y/o to sit still in a grocery cart for an hour while you shop for food.

It CAN BE reasonable to have him "ride" in the basket, and help choose a few healthy items to eat (avoid the snack aisle but let him pick the fruits, or decide which tomato looks best, for instance). The reasonableness of this depends on whether he's had a nap, is cranky, etc.

But that trip to the store could last 15 min. You complain that you don't have much time with him b/c of the 2 hour limit and the commute, but then you also complain that you don't know how to fill that time...well, which is it? AND

how's it going to work if you have him all day AND then overnight?

Think about this. What if the judge gives you what you say you want??

You don't sound ready Bruce. You need to get ready asap.

[MrBond]

"I'll ask W today. She must know."

Why don't you know this by now? Especially since your son suffers from stomach issues and eczema, you didn't think it was important to ask about those things yet?

[Big Bruce]

Good evening,
So I did send an email to W, asking if I could join S next doctor appointment, and what medication he was receiving for his eczema and digestive issues, and what settled hom down best if he had a tantrum.
- No response.

I understand, if her L gave her a copy of my sworn deposition, then she must be very sore at me.
Her not speaking to me was to be expected.

She's asking 100% custody, I'm not agreeing, and that's why there's this proceedings. Of course she is mad.
It'll pass, and according to plan, I'll focus on S more than on her life, her interests, what not...

Now, on the question of how to be a good dad, for the moment it is very limited: play with him, take him to the supermarket with me, maybe change a diaper, talk to him, read him books, take him to places, be interested in his health issues, what he's learning, etc...

I want to point out something though :
--> I've been doing that for 6 months already, and it hasn't softened W's heart .
Minus my not pursuing her, what makes you think this time it'll change anything?

Enough for today, I'm trying to detach.
A la prochaine,
B.

[MrBond]

You know if it hadn't even occurred to you to ask your W what medications and such your son needs, then I question your reasoning to want to spend more time with him. Just an honest question.

"I want to point out something though :
--> I've been doing that for 6 months already, and it hasn't softened W's heart .
Minus my not pursuing her, what makes you think this time it'll change anything?"

Seriously? You're asking this? This is why your W doesn't want to go back to you and why she doesn't want to give you extended custody. You're still trying to get a reaction from her. The uncaring you seem to show towards your son's welfare is very clear in your responses and posts. I mean, you had to wait till you heard from us on the board to worry about his health EVEN THOUGH your W made a point to tell you. You just don't listen and it makes EVERY one of your "changes" superficial.

[25yearsmlc]

Bruce,

are you getting this?

It's as if you are saying "If I'm 'decent' to my son and the effort doesn't get my wife back, then is it worth it? B/C after all, my real goal (getting my wife back) is all I care about, so what's the point?"

That's how it comes across, Bruce. Like the whole idea of you spending time with your son is a charade and a ruse all just to get time with HER, or to have more in common with HER...and

the fact is that may not happen. Ever. The most you might ever have in common is that you both care a lot about this young man.

But now I have to question even that.

I worry that if you knew your wife would not come back to you, ever,

you'd rather not bother with being an involved dad, b/c it's inconvenient and "not rewarding enough" to you.

-- That in reality, you'd really prefer being across the ocean, just sending a check every month and seeing him a few weeks a year --- when he's older, and easier...?

is that accurate? Bruce, dig deep.

What is most important to you?

[25yearsmlc]

Good evening,
So I did send an email to W, asking if I could join S next doctor appointment, and what medication he was receiving for his eczema and digestive issues, and what settled hom down best if he had a tantrum.


Bruce, to tell you the truth, I'm surprised you have not had several conversations about these matters before.

IF this is the first time you've even asked a question about any of it, then I can see why she would not respond quickly. She may be startled that you never listened to her tell you about these issues before, AND OR that you never showed interest til now, when the court proceedings are happening.


- No response.

I understand, if her L gave her a copy of my sworn deposition, then she must be very sore at me.
Her not speaking to me was to be expected.

I'm not sure if any of that^^ mattered as much as your recent questions & what they reveal about your knowledge or concern for your son.

But who knows? Maybe she's following her lawyer's advice, or maybe she doesn't think your questions warranted a reply.

She's asking 100% custody, I'm not agreeing, and that's why there's this proceedings. Of course she is mad.

Bruce, surely you can see some other reasons for her being upset with you in addition to the legal proceeding. Right??

It'll pass, and according to plan, I'll focus on S more than on her life, her interests, what not...

hurry up with "the plan" b/c it's long overdue. And stick with it no matter what SHE Does.



Now, on the question of how to be a good dad, for the moment it is very limited: play with him, take him to the supermarket with me, maybe change a diaper, talk to him, read him books, take him to places, be interested in his health issues, what he's learning, etc...

I want to point out something though :
--> I've been doing that for 6 months already, and it hasn't softened W's heart .
Minus my not pursuing her, what makes you think this time it'll change anything?

I can't promise that it will soften her heart. My belief is that it would -- UNLESS she thinks it's not motivated by genuine concern for HIM...and I suspect that's what she thinks or fears.

And you are giving her reason to fear that.

Enough for today, I'm trying to detach.
A la prochaine,
B.