Still walking the path to my own happiness

[RegretfulLA]

My last thread filled up pretty quick.

Walking the path to my own happiness

Continuing our discussion -
Well, it seems that we could use a lot of help on the communication front. I've heard many times that poor communication is very often the #1 cause of problems in a R. I have always had a tough time communicating with my H, for a few reasons:

1) He taught me early on that if I challenged him, he'd take it personally
2) He is not comfortable with expressing feelings such as "I don't like it when you do/say X" - instead it comes across very confrontationally
3) Many times when I have tried to express my feelings or wishes to him he shut me down so fast it made my head spin
4) I get very defensive - my own communication style can be harsh
5) I haven't been good at taking his POV into account

There were so many good comments about this at the end of my last thread, enough to make me think that it should be a focal point in our next MC go-round. I'm thinking if we can focus on communication and co-parenting, it would be a better place to come from vs. the vent-n-blame disaster fest with our last MC and the 2 we tried over the summer. I've also heard that many marriage-focused counselors start here when one person is "done" and the other isn't.

One problem I'm currently having is finding the motivation to continue. Crazyville, you mentioned contempt at the end of my last thread. Here's the quote:

Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts yourself on a higher ground than your partner. Mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust are all examples of contempt. Of all the horsemen, contempt is the most serious. Couples have to realize that these types of put downs will destroy the fondness and admiration between them. The antidote to contempt is to lower your tolerance for contemptuous statements and behaviors and to actively work on building a culture of appreciation in the relationship.

Now, I know this was directed at me, but I have to say... this is EXACTLY HOW MY H TREATED ME. He did mock, call names, roll eyes and sneer (and snicker which isn't even listed). Many, many times, he did this. I may have done my fair share of sh*tty stuff, but I never did any of that. So yeah, I've been actively trying to lower my tolerance for that level of BS. It is wayyyy unacceptable, and i have to say that this behavior of his led to my feelings of worthlessness which led to EA #2. (my choices, not blaming him).

I know I could be more outwardly appreciative, loving, considerate, nicer, sweeter, more tolerant, friendly. I vary on all of this. Some days I feel like it, some days I don't. I get that in a M, we have to do this consistently whether we feel like it or not.

Currently, though, as I said, I'm really having trouble finding the motivation. I honestly wish I were more "saintly", in the sense that I could say, "I'm going to do whatever it takes, and it doesn't matter how he treats me in return." The fact is though, it does matter how he treats me in return. H is not being bad at the moment... things are very tense but he's knocked off most of the horrible stuff.

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be expecting much more than what I am getting. He's agreed to MC, he's agreed to move out, he's helping out somewhat around the house, when asked. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do much more at the moment. I feel like it's somewhat self-protective, but that's where I am. I'm sure he feels the exact same. We've both been so mortally hurt by each other, neither one of us is that keen on risking that again. Even my little baby steps towards him (ex: trying to hold his hand on Xmas Eve) got rejected... it's just becoming too painful for me to be here.