and in our glorious honeymoon period a few months ago--we were very in tune with this--but he said he was "faking it" and didn't love me or ever did.
It's a shame he thinks that way. It's pretty common for WAS's to "rewrite history", usually they didn't really feel that way at the time but he's not lying, he has convinced himself that he was faking it even though he probably wasn't. DR goes into this, don't try to convince him otherwise because it'll just backfire. Many people will drag out photo albums and retell old stories to convince the WAS that they really were happy, but they're in a fog and won't believe it. Sometimes the fog eventually lifts and they start remembering how things really were, but it can take a long time before that happens.
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That is VERY interesting about keeping the cage door open--thank you for sharing that. Tonight I actually challenged him by saying--if you want to go so bad then, what are you waiting for? I can only assume if you're here, it's work on the relationship.. if not, let's not drag it out...and he said--I am not ready to leave yet. I don't want to go.
Good! That's what you should do. Dobson says that often when the LBS opens the cage door, when the WAS looks out they're not so sure they want that "freedom" after all. That may be what happened. Just leave the door open now. If he brings up leaving then tell him you understand and support his decision. He'll probably keep bringing it up to "test the waters" for a while, kind of a temperature check to see where you are.
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also, he has returned to our bed. Why? who knows. I don't take it to mean anything positive.
It's a good sign, but you're right in not trying to read anything into it. Michele says that when there are "baby steps" like that then just celebrate them internally and keep your DB'ing up externally.
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Detaching is hard. I will have to think more about that. I give him plenty of space. He chooses to sit where I am. I started leaving the living room to spend time up in the bedroom on my own. Now he's there, too.
That's OK, detaching just means giving him space. If he chooses to close the gap then don't feel like you need to run away. Just don't pursue him.
