Keeping my wife from walking out

[AnotherStander]

Like FY said, you need to give her time and space and immediately cease all the needy/ pursuing behavior. She's basically told you that it is driving her away and she's right!

Depression, low self-worth and lack of confidence inside me led me to not be as involved in our household as I should have.

Ask yourself this, what attracted your wife to you to begin with? Was it because you were needy, depressed and lacked confidence? Or was it because you were a strong, independent man's man? Now ask yourself what it was about your behavior back then that attracted her to you. Then figure out how to get that "old you" back again.

I’m still trying to figure out the whys for the things I did, or did not do, that caused my wife to start losing feelings and respect for me, so please bear with me. I’m not a jerk—I’m a very nice guy (perhaps a little too nice), I don’t drink or smoke, I don’t yell, I’m a great provider and a great dad. I’ve always treated my wife with respect and love, although internal stress caused me to withdraw occasionally.

You just described me. And I suspect you feel like I did just after BD, that something was surely wrong with my W because I was darned near perfect and had done nothing to deserve this But I did do things wrong, and you did too. So figure out what those things were/ are and do 180's on them.

We never, ever fought or even had minor disagreements. My wife tells me now that she was always afraid of hurting my feelings because I have traditionally been a more sensitive kind of person and I hate conflict due to my parents’ nasty and messy marriage/divorce and due to my dad being a very controlling and verbally abusive parent.

In other words, she felt like she had to always walk around on eggshells and could not tell you what she was really thinking and feeling. That's deadly in a marriage. A marriage that never has fights or disagreements usually has serious underlying issues.

I had no knowledge of this, just as it seems a lot of men don’t have knowledge of storms like this brewing. Everyone we know thought we were the absolutely perfect couple who would be married forever.

Same here. But the problems were there and they were real. My W tried to tell me in her own way, but women and men don't communicate on the same wavelength, so it didn't get through.

I started off still looking to my wife for comfort and to prop up my confidence

You've really got to stop that kind of behavior ASAP. Your W is not there for your emotional support anymore. You've got to try and get her back, and in order to do that you've got to show her confidence and high self-esteem.

She says I am the one who has to do the lion’s share of changing and trying because she is too tired, but I need SOMETHING from her.

No you don't. You don't need her and you don't want her to feel needed. No one likes feeling needed. People like feeling wanted, not needed. Learn the difference.

It’s very difficult to approach someone who can barely look me in the eye and who pulls away when I try to hug or get near to her.

That is pursuing and pressuring. She doesn't want that now and you need to stop it!

She then tells me I have no confidence-- well of course not! She maintains that it is not her problem anymore, and I completely understand where she’s coming from.

Well you're in the right place, because DB'ing is all about giving you back your confidence. So get started ASAP. Have you read DR?

I keep telling her to have patience and understanding and to keep an open mind if she indeed wants this family to stay together.

Words are meaningless to her right now. You've got to show her actions. Consistent actions over months and months.

I’m picking up all the pieces of my life that I let go over the years, but my wife says it isn’t enough.

It takes a lot of time. She says that now, but in 6 months or more she may very well change her mind. Think of it this way, at one time she was madly in love with you. She flipped a switch and isn't anymore. But the switch can always be flipped back again.