The last few days I have refrained completely from contacting W. She had D phone me yesterday and I let it go to voicemail. She lost another tooth. I phoned D later that evening to talk with her, but W answered the phone. She was very upbeat and almost talkative. However, I phoned to speak with D and asked if I could. I was only able to speak with her a short time because she was busy playing with her freinds. W got back on the phone and shared a little of her day with me before I cut the conversation short and said my goodbye.
Today, W phoned to talk to me about our parenting swap tomorrow. Again, a little upbeat and sharing some of her day with me. I guess she is looking at us more so as very casual friends, more so than she did a week ago. The reason I say this is because of her tone and willingness to just offer information about what she has been up to......so far so good, I guess.
This week is W's birthday, the big 35. Typically, we usually go all in for each other. Last year I rented a limo and took all of our friends out for dinner, a comedy improv show and drinks and dancing afterwards. This year, I am thinking, what, maybe a card or a "happy birthday" text? I am not sure if a present would be appropriate or come off as pursuing. I am keeping in mind that she didn't really gift me for Christmas, so I am assuming that is how she thinks it should be. I Would like some input on that.
I just realized that a lot of her happiness on the phone is probably directly related to the fact she has had our D for the last week.....duh. I am assuming that her tone with me, and the frequency of contact, will change in the next seven days. Last week she was calling or texting multiple times a day regarding D.
This year, I am thinking, what, maybe a card or a "happy birthday" text? I am not sure if a present would be appropriate or come off as pursuing. I am keeping in mind that she didn't really gift me for Christmas, so I am assuming that is how she thinks it should be. I Would like some input on that.
Sandi's 180 tips say no gifts, but personally my attitude about it is to talk to your W and just ask her what her expectations are. Mention that since there were no gifts at Christmas that you assume she doesn't expect any for her birthday, but that you just wanted to confirm that with her.
W and I did not exchange gifts on our anniversary which was not too long before Christmas, so at Christmas I called her and told her I didn't plan on us exchanging gifts, but just wanted to check with her. Good thing I did because she DID buy me gifts! Argh! So then I had to do some last minute shopping, LOL!
I am thinking I will $10 coffee gift/Birthday card her. I might add something in the card along these lines, "Happy Birthday! I hope this year brings you all the happiness you can wish for, signed ME". and leave it at that.
I have a couple bullet points that I have been thinking about and I would like some input. First, let me say that people around me are starting to notice my 180's without me mentioning anything to them. I am not sure if I am ACTUALLY changing, or if is a reactionary response that will fade over time. I hope it's not the latter.
The things I am wondering about seem to be somewhat specific to my sitch. I have read through tons and tons of WAW spouse stories and don't notice a lot that are similar to mine in a few aspects.
1) W has not once showed any confusion or reckless emotions about her decision to leave. She is very calculated and seems focused on what she ultimately wants. Although, she has made no effort that I am aware of to actually carry through with a separation or divorce. As far as I know, she hasn't even consulted an attorney, even though she knows I have already.
2) She has not really reached out in ANY way to connect with me, physically or emotionally that I am aware of. All communication has been initiated by me (no longer doing this) or in regards to Daughter or separation issues.
3) She does contact me daily, often several times a day. She is by no means not communicating with me. When she does call she is upbeat and never plays games. Just right to the issues, even though she is sharing more about her day to day with me in almost every conversation
4) She seems to have an odd outlook on how our Div./Sep. will look. She has expressed to friends that she will continue to come to our business to socialize with customers/friends. Keep in mind that I live and work on this property. Why she thinks that would be something I would be OK with baffles me. I even had the conversation with her that I will not be okay with her coming here to visit friends or enjoy the pool . This is essentially my home and backyard. She has implied the same for socializing within our social circle. She has said on a few occasions we could all go out together, that she was okay with that. Again, that seems very strange to me.
5) She is reconnecting with people very quickly that she tossed aside during our breakup, people that she said she was DONE with. She has also reconnected with people that she had issues with in the past. Now, some of those same friends, are her "BFF's". She has been very quick to forgive everyone and everything, lately....with the exception of me...haha
These are just a few things that I am not sure how to interpret. More and more, I feel that she will not look back for even a second. I guess in the big scheme of things, it would not change what I am doing, improving myself and trying to establish a workable co-parenting arragement.
One more thing I was thinking about, her financial situation. She is currently living under my roof (different home) and I am continuing to pay for her vehicle insurance and health insurance, through our family busines. She has very limited income and has been spending her money on going out and socializing. I have made it perfectly clear that this arrangement is temporary, based on how our situation progresses. While she is very concerned that I will someday toss her out, she is not by ANY means securing her own wellfare. It's like it isn't dawning on her how serious her situation will be if/when that DAY comes. That is not her character to be careless like that....again, very odd to me.
4) She seems to have an odd outlook on how our Div./Sep. will look. She has expressed to friends that she will continue to come to our business to socialize with customers/friends. Keep in mind that I live and work on this property. Why she thinks that would be something I would be OK with baffles me. I even had the conversation with her that I will not be okay with her coming here to visit friends or enjoy the pool . This is essentially my home and backyard. She has implied the same for socializing within our social circle. She has said on a few occasions we could all go out together, that she was okay with that. Again, that seems very strange to me.
My W seemed to think we'll stay close friends after all this and continue to do things together with kids. I told her that I hoped that was the case but no way to tell the future and if I'm honest with her I didn't think it would be like that. I told her friendly co-parents that talk/ text once a week is probably more realistic. She seemed shocked. Haven't discussed, or thought about it, since. I wouldn't worry about it now if I were you, no way to know what the future will look like. Only reason I said anything was because she had said it on several occasions and I wanted to get her level set a little on what D looks like because her and my interpretations of it were very different.
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5) She is reconnecting with people very quickly that she tossed aside during our breakup, people that she said she was DONE with. She has also reconnected with people that she had issues with in the past. Now, some of those same friends, are her "BFF's". She has been very quick to forgive everyone and everything, lately....with the exception of me...haha
My W did exact same things. 2 people that she just disliked 2 months before filing because they were gossips that annoyed her are 2 of her BF's now. She also reconnected with her parents and older sister who she hadn't spoken to in over 4 years (literally). All her "real" friends that have been with her through the years she barely even speaks to anymore. My take on this, and I could be completely wrong because God knows what's going on in her head, is her real friends know the truth and have seen us and they don't agree with her on the D. These other people who she hasn't talked with are siding with her because she can tell them whatever she wants. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's reconnected with her family but find it odd that they didn't resolve anything or discuss how they let 4 years pass.
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I feel that she will not look back for even a second. I guess in the big scheme of things, it would not change what I am doing, improving myself and trying to establish a workable co-parenting arrangement.
You can't worry about if she'll look back or even know how she's feeling in the big scheme. You are exactly right that it won't change what you're doing so keep doing it.
I also like how you've minimized communication. Gives her (and you) time to sort things out. Keep up the good work!
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I am glad to hear that you experienced someting along the same lines, Spartan...or maybe I am not
Our wives sound very similar in that regard. Your hunch about them being able to define the story how they want is probably accurate. However, my wife has re-friended some girlfriends that she literally tossed to the side during our separation because they did not agree with her actions. They still do not.
My wife was texting me today more than she has in YEARS....some if it borederline legit stuff about D...some of it idle chit chat. I replied in short and friendly text. Towards the end she wished me a good day and I replied...Then she continued to text. Ultimately, I said, "I should probably pay attention and drive, talk to you soon maybe" and ended the conversation. I am assuming she was maybe bored and had nobody else to reach out to. I am not going to ready anymore into than that.
Since her texts, she has already phoned to speak with D again today. It is my week to have her. W literally dropped her off at school only 4 hours prior. I am really starting to feel like she is maybe starting to overstep her contact with D while she is with me. We will see how the next few days go, but if she ends up phoning every 4 or 5 hours, I think that may be a little too excessive. If she can't go any longer than that without contact, I would say she didn't think her idea for separation through enough. Of course, I don't want to hinder her interaction with D, but does anyone else think I should perhaps discuss this with her if it continues. TODAY, it is no problem at all. However, if we do legally separate or divorce, I don't think that will be acceptable to me to be calling several times a day, every day while D is with me. What do you think?
Nothing like a little shock to the system to let a guy know that he is NOWHERE CLOSE to being detached. My wife put a post on Facebook yesterday that had a few people wondering if she was going out on a date. Of course, this got back to me and my heart raced and anxiety set in, just like it was BD day all over again.
I did handle it considerably different than I would have a few months ago. I simply called her in a polite way and said, "any reason why people are calling me wondering if you're dating?" She replied in disbelief. After a short conversation she realized it was probably from her Facebook post where she said she had "plans" for tonight. It turns out, that she is meeting some friends for wine tasting and reviewing some glamour shot type pictures she had taken to boost her self esteem. I do believe her story. As much as I realize that people often lie during these situations, I have never known my wife to tell a single lie in 12 years.
Anyway, we had some light converstion and she expressed a little more about her poor self image. We also reiterated what we had discussed during our initial breakup, that neither of us would date or move forward without being honest and letting the other know. One thing bothered me. She literally said she thinks she looks fat. W is 5'8" and weighs maybe 130 pounds, if that. She is built like a gazelle. It really does make me sad that she has such low self image of herself. After we ended the call, I did something I probably shouldn't have done. I sent her a text saying, "I know you're looking in the mirror right now (she was getting ready for work). That girl looking back at you is not fat! She is the most beautiful girl that I know, and I am happy to call her my friend"....she sent me back a text right away saying "thank you, H. Have a good day"
Roller coaster GOING UP..haha.....I really need to focus on making detaching my number one objective. That is really holding me back more than anything.
I could realy use some input on my next move. My wife, I think, is testing me.
She apparently had some boudoir photos taken and asked me to take a look at them. She wants to put one of them on her Facebook, and asked for my opinion about it. She feels that she might get a lot of flack about it from our group of friends. most of them have disapproved of her choice to leave the marriage, so they have been very critical of every drink, picture or outing she goes on. She wanted to know that "I have her back" if she decided to put this picture up. Long story short, I got home and went to the photographers website. the pic is provacative, but not racy or tasteless by ANY means. I have pictures of my wife in a bikini on the beach that are far more revealing. However, they are clearly "modeling" style pictures. They would look completely at home on an ad selling a ferrari. Anyway, I am not really sure how to respond to her. Should I be supportive, or give it to her straight? I don't know why, but I feel like it is a mini test of some sort. It seems extremely odd to me that she would defer to her STBXH for suggestions on her facebook photos. He11, she BLOCKED me from her facebook. I wont even be able to see the pic...haha
Any help is greatly appreciated. She expects a reply soon
Idk, I think you guys get as messed up as the WAW. Use common sense. Is this a picture a mother of a 6 yr old little girl puts on the Internet? It's not what it reveals, but rather the message she's giving out by putting a picture out there for the world to see.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
