As I take space from a few loved ones to figure out the thoughts in my heart - I can't help but think about when my x decided to take space from me.
In my case - I felt I needed to guard my heart.. but truth be told - it's awkward and hard to deal with. Never knowing the intentions behind things. Not knowing what to say or do.....
... it's a hard situation, and its FAR easier to run.
X had mentioned that to me and that us hanging out was awkward for her. Makes total sense now 2 years later.
How do you be "friends" with your x? It feels impossible at this time. Until there is true forgiveness, true healing, and until maybe the feelings are gone?
I don't know the answer to this question.
In one weird way - I can now understand my x's actions.....
... but it didn't stop me from hurting like hell.
It didn't stop me from believing that we could have worked out a way to be in each other's lives...
... but I could be wrong.
So bringing this back to my friendship - I am seriously at a lost. In one way, I feel that detaching has helped our friendship. Although hurt by my actions, there has been tremendous growth on his part and mine.
I've learned to not be emotionally dependent on someone. I've learned to deal with my own feelings and look inward to get myself out of a slump. I no longer look to others to feel worthy - I know I am.
But at the same time I wonder if it's better (not easier) to just wrestle through it. To fight for him as someone I care about.
Or maybe I just want to fight so I'm not like her. Maybe this is my attempt to reject a possibility for understanding and forgiveness on my end.
Maybe it's because I fear that if I forgive.. there is no epic change in my own life. I think somewhere along the line I have attached expectations to even my forgiveness of her.
Urg.. well that's frustrating.
Sorry for the ramblings..
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
