Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

[AnotherStander]

However, I think Retrouvaille insists there are no 3rd parties involved (no current A going on). They may even call to confirm this is the case.

That is correct, my W and I are going this weekend and they called me over the weekend for the interview. The only question they ask is "are you willing to participate in this program and all the follow-up meetings?" If you answer "yes" to that, then they read several statements. One is that if you're involved with a 3rd party then they ask that you break it off before going. So they don't call to confirm whether or not there's an A, nor do they ask you about it, they just read a statement that if there is an A it needs to be stopped before the program weekend.

I keep hearing how retrouvaille talks about what it was like when you first got married. To rediscover. Well our sex life wasn't great then either and he feels we never had a good relationship. He said we got married because it seemed like the right thing to do as we had been dating for 4 years prior. We have no foundation to build on, how can we make it?

Just let go of all your preconceptions of what RetroV is. Go in with an open mind and open heart. That's all they ask.

In DB'ing terms you're not trying to go back to your previous marriage, you're trying to create a new, better marriage. So even if your old marriage was never that great, it doesn't mean your future one can't be.

[AM2012]

Thanks. We are also going this weekend. I am going in with an open heart, just lacking the open mind right now because of the arguments H and I got in this weekend. He spilled his guts to me about how he never loved me, this will never work etc. He refuses to read the book divorce remedy because how could a book help us if they dont know us.

He doesn't think that the old relationship ever goes away. He thinks he only has 2 options: 1. Stay in the marriage where he will be miserable but the kids will be happy or 2. Leave the marriage hope the kids will be happy because he will be happy. He doesn't realize that there is a 3 rd option of staying and building a new marriage. I mentioned it to him and he that's not an option.

I am so sad, angry and frustrated. I feel he us do blind to everything right now

[FloydMan]

good luck in RV this weekend AS. Please please please give us an update after.
I would love to convince W to try.

[FloydMan]

AM2012,

I am glad you are going and at least he is too. I can't get my W to try. She is like your H and says no hope and those are the same 2 options word for word she said. Now she chose the latter 8 months ago.
She says she does not love me anymore. Suppose that is one big difference between our sitches is that my W admits she loved me so much and for so many years until the last couple years.

Too much damage she says. Too much hurt. No trust even though she had the A. I think she refers to trust with her heart but never said that.

Good luck with RV and at least he will go so take that as a positive and let them help open his mind. Don't pressure him anymore or even talk about it. Just go. You and I have no influence on our spouses right now.

[AM2012]

Thanks. I will definitely keep you updated. I appreciate everyone who has contruibuted to my posts.

[AnotherStander]

He doesn't realize that there is a 3 rd option of staying and building a new marriage. I mentioned it to him and he that's not an option.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

Understand that you're past words now. There's nothing you can say to H that will bring him back. At this point it's all about your actions. Determine what you did to contribute to the marital problems and do 180's on those things. He won't believe what you say, but he will believe what you do. And if you do it with consistency over a long period of time, then he will eventually believe it's real and not just tricks to bring him back.

People fall into the trap of doing "more of the same" behavior and expecting something to change on its own. They keep doing the same mistakes over and over again until their marriage falls apart, then incredibly they will keep right on with the same old mistakes expecting their spouse will just one day return. But they won't, they left the marriage because of "more of the same" and they certainly won't return to that. So what do you do? You do 180's, you reverse course on all those "more of the same" mistakes. It's hard work, but it's the only way to hopefully bring the wayward spouse back.

FloydMan, thank you and I will post an update after RetroV. I've been wanting to post a new thread, that should be good timing for it. Things have progressed quite a bit, W unexpectedly bought me gifts for Christmas and was extremely flattered that I painted her a painting in return. After months without physical contact she is suddenly initiating long hugs. She's been doing small favors for me lately like bringing over peanut brittle that she made and giving me a carton of my favorite soft drinks for no reason. It's really taken me by surprise. I'm not sure what to expect at RetroV, I'm just going into it like a blank slate. Should be interesting.

[FloydMan]

Good stuff AS.
Little favours are nice. I think W and I need to be nice to each other. I am almost afraid to make that first move. I don't think i am being nasty and mean, just ignoring. Will it affect the 180/LRT if I say hello or good morning etc? It has been so long since those simple niceties. Will she read it as pursuing or fake?

[AnotherStander]

Little favours are nice. I think W and I need to be nice to each other. I am almost afraid to make that first move. I don't think i am being nasty and mean, just ignoring. Will it affect the 180/LRT if I say hello or good morning etc? It has been so long since those simple niceties. Will she read it as pursuing or fake?

Well, pulling back is not the same thing as ignoring. Some say to treat the WAS like you would a friendly neighbor, so of course you would say things like "hello" and "good morning" to a neighbor. Here is a blurb from one of Michele's books:

Successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life

I think the key word here is "compassion". We need to detach, but we need to do so in a loving and compassionate manner. That doesn't mean to pursue them, but I think it does mean we should continue to be nice and cordial and to be there to listen to them if they want that.

[AM2012]

That's a great question because I often wonder if what I feel if ignoring is doing harm.

I find in my situation the 180 are very hard because the issues were all related to intimacy and at this time we can't be there.
When I say intimacy I mean simple hugging and kissing. So a 180 for me in this situation would be to hug him, however I can't right now because he wants nothing like from me.

So what do I do?

[Accuray]

You can learn to be more physically expressive with the kids (if you're not already). More hugs/kisses/etc. It will be good for them and you, and H will notice (but don't put on a show for him of course)

You can work on your body language and adopt more "open" than "closed" postures. You can smile more. You can seem relaxed, and surround yourself with things that relax you. If you fixate on your phone as many of us do, you can stop doing that with kids and H present. These are not criticisms aimed at you, more just general suggestions in response to your question -- take what fits.

You can also read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" if you haven't already, which will give you some additional ideas.

Finally, you can change up your look (different haircut, maybe dress differently, etc.) I'm not suggesting dressing provocatively, just differently -- he will tend to notice you if you change your appearance and any unanticipated change in you is a good thing because if he didn't expect it, he'll question the other things he's assuming about what you will and won't change.

Accuray