Almost Over...

[Dewayne]

Thanks for the post. Not harsh at all.

No, I use to be very argumentative, but only to people that try to tell me something that I know isn't true etc. Then I'm off.

I think it has allowed to sink into the rest of the ways I communicate as well. I communicate, just not well. SHe? She apparantly DOES NOT communicate, things "Are fine" so I think and then boom. Just like MIchelle says.


We met at WM so she can pick up WIC and get me some milk etc. I carried Jo all over WM, not hanging around her. I didn't do it on purpose really, I guess I just wanted to spend time with Jo w/o feeling sick around her.

While there, 2 young guys, maybe 19 or 20 came up the bread aisle. I was halfway down it. They slooowwwly walked the aisle and I immediately knew something was off. I watched and they walked to her, both turned and looked at me and I made eye contact and they stopped. Wife came up to one of them and said hi and hugged him. Made me sick. I could tell that he wasn't really receptive of it. Maybe because of me, maybe not.

Yes, you're right. I'm still thinking about her apparantly. But I don't have the nervousy's about it. Maybe it's just lingering and will fade away.

I did get upset tonight though. We met at WM so I had to hand Jo over to the carseat and she cried and begged to stay with me... this hurt me so badly as I can't have her tonight. I calmed her down and she was laughing. I sat on the side of the footstep (hearse) and played and talked with her while W put her groceries in the back. She got in her seat and said "Hey, I don't have much fuel but I can bring her over tomorrow night if you'd like. I feel better today, maybe I'll feel like getting out tomorrow. I can bring a movie or something if you'd like and we can hang out and watch something"

She kinda invited herself. 2 of my friends that know as much as I'm telling you guys both said that they think she's really wanting to spend time with me. To hang out w/o all the drama" as she said. I don't know. I'd like to think that she's coming around but I still feel sick. I can handle the time, not arguing etc. I can handle it by emotions... just don't know if I want to or not. That's a strange feeling to me. I've never had this feeling about my wife... so strange to me.

I am trying to make sure I don't say /do controlling and especially manipulative things. I use to do those things and was very good at it in fact. I could ask a question about subject A but the manner I asked, I could get the answer to a completely different question w/o "going there"

I plan to make a list of things I KNOW are bad for me and that I've been working on.

[MrBond]

You know you're seriously not ready for another relationship. It's not fair to the other girl.

[chatterbug]

Understand the feeling sick. So best to nip that in the bud and say NO

[Dewayne]

Yeah, I know that I'm not ready for anything. I've been telling all my new ppl I meet (not many at all) that I'm just looking for friends. I need to meet new people to create a new circle of friends and get out. Most all respect that... but a few of the girls I've met haven't really respected that much and I feel are actually trying to sabotage, being all negative in every way possible. NEVER saying anything positive etc. So I've cut them loose.

Yeah, I realized JUST NOW, hence why I'm back lol, that I should've told her in the car "No, that's ok, I don't want to watch a movie with you" or something similar but, seeing as to how she may not have the fuel to keep running back and forth, I'm prepared to spend time with both of them.

We're only a few weeks away from court date. So I guess I may as well try to DB as hard as I can until then and see what happens. I'm starting to feel I'm not being as fair to myself, or the marriage. Starting to feel that if I don't at least try to DB until court / finalizing then I failed. At least this way I'll know I did all I could.

[Dewayne]

Things I know I did wrong and am working on / fixed:

Anger Issues: Almost done. I get aggravated but I haven't yelled at a driver in I don't know how long, I've learned to control it and walk away when I need to. My friend's have noticed, my mother has noticed.

Uncaring: I didn't care about people, and it bled into my marriage. I have worked a schedule and got up every morning thinking of something to say or do for others. STarted with the wife. I no longer have to read the paper. I Get up and think "what would I do for my wife if she was here?" And as well as "What can I do for my roommates today that could help?"

Manipulative: I use to manipulate people. Usually not my wife, but I'm sure I have. I have made it to the point to where I try to always think about what I'm about to say or do, and make sure it's not something manipulative or controlling. I mess up from time to time, but it's very rare now. If I catch myself, I correct it, even if it was a lie, I correct it and apologize.

Listening: I have gotten to whenever my wife speaks to me, I always try to shut up and listen good, I look her in the eyes and nod and block out all distractions. If I'm watching TV or playing a game, I stop immediately and listen.

Fatherhood: Well this speaks for itself. My daughter now comes first and I don't mind at all tending to her every need. I WANT to, in fact.

Forgiving: I am being a much more forgiving person than I use to be. I look at it like everyone makes mistakes and we should try to be as forgiving as God has been to us.

A lot of these things i've been working on in the past, for the last few years. She served me papers before about 5 years ago. I Didn't know and she Bdropped at my work one day with the papers. I was back in a week. I obviously didn't learn my lesson. She even asked me "why would you learn NOW? I served you before?" I told her exactly this "Because last time you let me back inside of a week. You've hit me with a truck, turned my world upside down and had everyone kick me while I was down for the last few MONTHS! THAT'S why I learned now"

I will continue to work on myself. GAL and other things. I hopefully will be employeed soon. Delivering Pizzas. Don't laugh, there's a driver with 6 years experience and he owns his own home, and 2 cars with everything he needs inside of them.

[Dewayne]

Hey guys. Wanted to update and get a few inputs.

She came by last night as she said she would. We had fun. We didn't talk or anything and I think I DB'd / 180* pretty well. She was hinting that I wasn't comfortable. I told her I felt awkward. She said "why?" and asked many times. So I told her. felt awkward because I can't show affection like holding her hand etc. She said "Well we're not to that point yet" We didn't discuss anything else and didn't go further. Her feet were in the couch touching my left leg. 2 min's after this was said, she started rubbing my leg with her foot.

Towards the end, (even end of movie) Jo wanted TV off. Mommy was suppose to have taken her home, Jo didn't want to go. Kept saying things like "Go away mommy" , "I wanna stay here with dad", and this one.. (remember we both moved from the haunted house) "I wanna go home" When we asked if she wanted to go to Marsha's (their home now) she said "NOOOO I wanna ..GO... HOME"

I can tell by my kid, what she wants is to go back to the haunt. In my truck Jo was saying "Mommy, daddy, Jordan stay together". This really... REALLY gets to me. She kept trying to get Jo to kiss her goodbye or give her a hug and she just doesn't want to. Been like this for a while now. Even on the way home after getting her from DC she said "I don't wanna go marsha's" I said "Why is that baby?" She said "I dont' like mommy. I don't want mommy"

So anyways, I told her to leave Jo here. Just before she takes off out the door, she said "Are you planning on going to the court date?" I just said "I don't know yet"

I know, I coulda pulled a better 180, but honestly, I did pretty good comparatively. I just got in a quick mood and she caught it. I wasn't mad or terribly upset, maybe I sighed when I thought of something? I just don't get her. She SWEARS her and Jerry are just friends, they're never alone and takes it upon herself to insist on it w/o me asking, I know, txtbook affair lie.

So you guys still say to go back to LC and leave her alone? Or let her keep coming by and etc and let me DB more? I'm not asking her anymore, she's been asking to come over and go to the movies etc. There are no more plans unless she brings up going to the movies next week. (we never made it because of random things coming up)

[adinva]

I think you should continue not contacting her first (unless it's about Jojo) and I think you should cut how often you accept her invitations to about half of what you've been accepting.

That thing with the foot right after you told her you were uncomfortable, that's head games. Pulling back protects you from having to get your hopes up, have them dashed, get confused, try to read her mind. It may enable her to appreciate what she's giving up too, but it will REALLY help you to detach and figure out what you think and want.

Whether she's with Jerry or someone else or no one at all, she's not with you. If you give her more space and time and you work really hard to be a man only a fool would leave, like really really hard, for you and not for her, work on that, then she knows where to find you. And then, when she clearly and consistently shows you she really wants to be with you and work on things, then you start the very hard work of piecing. It's probably easy to see why most marriages that get to this point are already done. It is HARD, uncomfortable, painful work to look so deep in yourself and fix what you don't like seeing there. Sometime it looks easier to move on and be done with it. That's a wasted opportunity.

So yeah, leave her alone. take care of you, and be a good dad to Jojo, and keep it at that for a good long while. This is a long process.

On a separate note, when's your court date? Did you call and find out? Do you have any kind of answer yet as to why you would NOT go to your own court date?

[Dewayne]

Court. No, I haven't got a good reason NOT to go. She said last night that "after discussing it with my lawyer and my SIL we decided it didn't matter if you went" I have no clue why it would even matter.

I have a serious question. I have done some research that has really shocked me with the results. There seem to be a TON of people who are in my situation that the spouse has been on paxil or other SSRI's. Mine has been on Celexa since about June. This all started about 2 months after. NOW? She shows every symptom people are talking about. I'm going to post some links if it's ok to where people are talking about this.

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Taking-Antidepressants/843439

http://www.topix.com/forum/drug/effexor/TQ4I2UR28DFD3N759

Actually I'll stop there because I can't remember if this is allowed or not.

What are opinions of you guys here? There definitely seems to be something to this. I have spoke with a few people, on both sides of this ordeal and they all seem to think my wife's problems are the Celexa. Hence why she said PRIOR that everything was fine with us and marriage and AFTER the celexa... it all changed. Even she says she doesn't know what changed, just that it has.

thanks.

And yes, I will continue to work on myself and my 180 appearances around her. I'll also cut down the invites.

[Dewayne]

Hey guys. Jo's not feeling well. Bad fever but she acts fine for the most part. Her mother called yest. She wanted to talk to Jo... Jo refused, yelled "I don't like mommy" Long story short, stbxw asked me if I had "done this" and i told her no. I talked to Jo with her on the phone and she could hear jo say all these things. Even said "Mommy hate me"

She seemed to be very upset, was on phone and I heard sniffling. Maybe crying but she has been sick, very well could be a cold.

I talked to a Dr., 3 local people and several people on the internet. Told them my story and they all agreed that it's VERY possible my wife's complete change in character could be from the Celexa. Basically the same drug as Paxil. There's a paxil awareness group out there, support groups all around, support websites etc. Talk to most Dr's and they act like you're crazy. They don't believe there's a problem and they just don't care.

Remember, she had just started the drug a few months before she changed. Locking the kid in teh room etc, doing drugs... yeah, COMPLETELY opposite of her character. I'm going to try and talk to her about the drug tonight or this coming week. On the phone I told her I had something to show and talk to her about and I found it very important to our situation, she seemed to understand and agreed to talk and see what I had. Maybe it was realizing her kiddo doesn't love her at the moment. I don't know. But I feel that she was impacted by the phone call.

I'll post an update soon.

Thanks for the help guys.

Dewayne

[chatterbug]

Could be the result of the drug.... Could be...

Best not to pick one tunnel to head down. As the only people who can truly decide that is her Doctor and her.

NOT YOU.

The flip side is that she realized she was in a bad relationship and wanted out. So the easy way was to have a few affairs and then you would have left... But you did not... So she figured out she is stuck with half the debts , possible child and spousal support... so she is dragging you along to confuse you and get what she wants. Break free with no financial burdens to carry.

See... Lots of stuff here.

Same issue as before.

You can only control your side.

P.S. The touching why could you not say the real reason you were uncomfortable with her advances?