knowing this man (well, as i THOUGHT i DID) i cannot fathom it all- even after a couple years of what i would consider pure torture.
he manages to act like ; heh, heh, tra la - all is right in the kingdom. i'm havin fun, i'm doin this and that- don't ask - don't tell-
i cannot see it. i do know he does not jump in and cut me loose- i do know he lied and lied for God alone knows how long- i do know he said he thinks i should stay in his life and he "cares a great deal" about me.
I DO KNOW he did not say his life would be empty without me. he did not say he loves me- and cannot imagine his life without me in it. he did say in not so many words that if i went straight to an ultimatum- he'd probably go with her. that he did think he "could have it all".
to me- honestly- i'd like to believe he's in a quandry and suffering because i am the guy who thought for a long time it was some kind of "thing" he was going thru and i could ride it out and help by being there. he was/is screwing around and unrepentent. it's about him having fun. i just cannot see it.
some days i feel nuts- it pushes me to that point. i know, the detach bit- by virtue of the fact that we are all "still here" - we're (none of us) totally detached. (mho) so they push us til our brains explode-
if the pain and agony we go thru isn't comparable to this mlc- i don't know what is. can their "pain" be worse than this that THEY CHOOSE to thrust upon us? it's cruel- it's done with intent and full knowledge - it's a very very bad thing.
i know i sound like an awful rat- i am a girl who feels suddenly like for whatever reason - nothing we've ever done or felt or devoted to these people is "enough". no matter what we give or do- they want more- they need more. they have no regard for what they're doing to others.
i'm sorry- i do happen to think you are a wise and clear-thinking person out there in db land- today, i don't know what to think. i kind of hope you're rite- maybe it gives us some "purpose: to our torment. (other than me just feeling like a stupid jerk who is deluded (as i've apparently been for 35 years) (why would it be different now? i wonder...
confused & cranky (hey, maybe i should change my name) hopefully this awful outlook & mood will go. impending family meltdown weighing heavily on me today. sorry man...
