I didn't get here with my expectations without a lot of kicking and screaming. I struggle a lot with what "should" or "should not" be. I'm almost 50 and I still struggle deeply with the fact that life isn't fair. Like it just is not fair that the young (60yo) widow across the street has lost two H's, the first to a drunk driver and the second to cancer. Nope. Not fair! It's not fair that children die from disease or abuse. Ugh!!! I believe in God and struggle *very* much with how he wrote this into his design. All the answers I get are just mumbo-jumbo to me, because it still doesn't make it acceptable.
It's easier with H, because I realize he is a separate being that simply thinks differently than I do. H apparently can rationalize in his mind that it's okay to lie to me, *and* think that I should not lie to him. I've seen nothing in my life with him to make me think he will do differently. So it's easy to let go of that expectation.
I'm wondering if you're confusing "expectations" with "hope"? You certainly hoped your H would do those things, but did you live your life expecting it? When I expect something, I put myself out there. If I expect someone will pick me up from the airport, I go where I'm supposed to meet them and look for them. I'm not just *hoping* they'll show up, without a plan, without a discussion. I can't expect them to pick me up if there was no agreement.
Where everything falls apart with expectations, I think, is when it *is* discussed, it *is* agreed upon, and then the other person bails on it. That destroys trust. That makes you unwilling to put yourself out there again.
Unfortunately, I think "hoping" and losing hope is actually worse than failed expectations. I've been whittling down my expectations for a while. But the really hard part for me is that I really don't have any hope for the M any longer. Now I feel like I have to just sit back and watch it die, because I feel like it's inevitable and there's nothing I can do about it. To me, that's much worse.
H and I tangled a bit in the morning yesterday, but then I left to go to a musical with my BFF. When I got home, H was doing his pretend-like-everything-is-okay act. When that didn't work, he reverted to "hiding." And then this morning, he sent me an email saying he was sorry we didn't get a chance to talk, which makes me ill, knowing that there was plenty of opportunity but that he simply chose not to. I could have written the script for this, he's so predictable. So I'm back into full GAL-mode. I slipped over Christmas because school was out and everything was focused on at-home or family activities. That's over and school is starting up again. It helps to get me out and interact with other people. Plus, work called and I have a couple first-quarter projects. All this helps take my focus off my sitch.
So I've hit a few potholes in my stride, but I've picked myself back up and I'm looking ahead again. It's a process. I don't think it's ever really over, until we die anyway. And that's sort of sad, really.
It’s definitely an interesting distinction… hope v. expectations. I think that when I made the decision to try to fix things with H, I had a lot of expectations. But, as time went on, I guess that waned a bit. The hope is a killer. What I’ve been unable to do in my own mind is what you did… create new hopes. I’ve allowed this mess to define me, I guess. It should have been obvious to me because every bit of progress I had made was slowly being eroded. I just didn’t notice until the depression became so bad. And crawling out of this hole I’ve created for myself is hard because I have no idea what to hope for anymore. It all sounds whiny, I get it. But it’s just an honest look inside myself.
I find it interesting that your H wrote an e-mail. I mean I think it’s encouraging that he’s not totally oblivious. You wish you could knock them in the head sometimes. But I do get that it just becomes overwhelmingly frustrating to keep going through the same cycle. I’m not sure if you mentioned trying this, but have you tried continuing the conversation via e-mail? I find when I’m completely overwhelmed by emotion that it is easier to write than to talk. It annoys most people, but I do have a few friends who accept that about me and deal with me on that level. Anyway, just throwing that out there.
If, indeed, the answer for you is that you cannot save M, what’s the plan? Do you want to wait until S graduates before you decide to go?
I think perhaps I'm just farther along than you. I was at that point before, too, where the depression was so bad I couldn't get out of bed. Hope is a sustaining force. Without it, it's tough. Eventually, I just got tired of wasting my life over someone that wasn't missing a beat over me.
I have tried doing some conversations with him through email. lol! I even asked him once to do it through email while we were sitting 20 feet away from each other. That way I could avoid his negativity via body language, facial expressions, tone, etc. But I could still read it in his words so it didn't accomplish a lot. But I do know what you mean and I'm usually all for it as a medium to give you time to think and evaluate what to say. It just didn't seem to help us.
And, yes, I plan to stick it out until S12 graduates. I don't want to be traveling the world while S12 is growing up without me.
Don't get me wrong. Deep down, this still kills me. As much as I think I'll look forward to the change in lifestyle for me, it still carries with it a lot of heartache. I still have a love for my H, at least for the man I thought he was. But I relate it to my previous dog. She was a German Shepard and a biter. I had to put her to sleep. It was the right thing to do, but it was still heart-wrenching. I don't want to become so cold that things like this don't bother me. I just have to take ownership of my life and stop giving it away to people that won't take care of it.
Oh I get that you are not looking to travel the world just yet. But I was more wondering if you were going to stay in your M until he graduates.
I know it comes with with a lot of heartache. I can see that. I guess what I am amazed about is that you are able to compartmentalize. You can stay there and not have some hope and expectation as far as your M is concerned. I couldn't do that. I found myself getting more and more depressed and more and more resentful. I am watching all my friends moving on with their lives and I'm sitting in limbo (one that I chose, I admit) and it pi$$ed me off. Are you really able to sit there that long and pull that off? Or... if you are going to stay anyway, do you keep trying to figure out how to make it work? Have you given up because you truly don't see a point or have you given up to protect yourself from going down my path?
The tricky part for me right now is that while in theory I have made a decision, I don't have hope for much right now... I don't look forward to anything. Very different from my separation the first time. I was able to function much better. And I can't quite figure out how to get out of the pit.
Yeah, you're a smart lady and I figured you were probably onto the e-mail thing, but I thought I'd mention it. Sigh...
Yes, I plan to stay in my M until S12 graduates. I think I said earlier, I don't care if we D then or not. To me, at this point, if M doesn't have the meaning (whatever your definition is) behind it, then it's just a piece of paper, one way or the other. The thing is, it's not like I'm looking forward to meeting up with someone else. I think I've just been too disillusioned to give it a go again. And I'm not looking to have more kids. I'm not needing financial support. I'm pretty capable in most things. I'm about to jump into menopause, and from what my experienced friends have told me, it kills your libido and they all say they could care less if they ever have sex ever again. Since I don't really have a motivation to M again, it really doesn't matter if I'm D'd or not. If H decides to D, then that's on him.
Like I said, I've just been at this a lot longer than you, I think. I probably should have D'd H before bringing S12 into it. I knew there were problems then, the same problems we still have today, but I was foolish and believed H's promises to address them. It's actually one of the things that I find depressing about this board, is the way people respond to their S leaving and how bothered they are and how they address their 180's. My H's attention lasts about 2 days, and then he's right back to the way he was, primarily because I quit complaining. Squeaky wheel syndrome, ya know?
I don't think I have it together as well as you might think. I just got tired of waiting and being disappointed, watching my life go by. I think you just need to set a direction and then focus on it. Otherwise, you just keep focusing on the past and what you don't have and your mind just eats itself up. And it doesn't get you anywhere. When you decide you dislike where you're at more than you're afraid of where you need to go, that's when your attitude changes. Sort of a "What have you got to lose?" approach. Or as my very admirable, adventuresome niece likes to say, "It's not gonna kill me...."
Hi Crazy. Just dropping in. Looks like you're right where you were last time. I was hoping for change
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To me, at this point, if M doesn't have the meaning (whatever your definition is) behind it, then it's just a piece of paper, one way or the other. The thing is, it's not like I'm looking forward to meeting up with someone else. I think I've just been too disillusioned to give it a go again. And I'm not looking to have more kids
I have heard those words before. Oddly, she remarried within months. I stopped guessing at the future, and I think you may want to consider that approach. It might bite otherwise...
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I knew there were problems then, the same problems we still have today, but I was foolish and believed H's promises to address them. It's actually one of the things that I find depressing about this board, is the way people respond to their S leaving and how bothered they are and how they address their 180's. My H's attention lasts about 2 days, and then he's right back to the way he was, primarily because I quit complaining. Squeaky wheel syndrome, ya know?
What? A marriage with problems??? Say it ain't so!?? I think you should really really consider not lashing out at those that value their spouse's and their marriages. At those that believe that marriage is more than a piece of paper. Best to use soft words as you have to eat them later, right?
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I don't think I have it together as well as you might think. I just got tired of waiting and being disappointed, watching my life go by.
I don't think you have it all together. I never did from the time you started posting. I still don't think you have anything figured out. I'm shocked to see that you feel like you should have ended the marriage years ago. I'm shocked that you want to be left alone. You want to be alone. You want your H to divorce you, rather then you leaving. I'm shocked you stay married all these years. Such a saint for putting up with it, you are.
I'm not shocked. I'm being sarcastic. I don't think those years were as bad as you paint them. I do think you feel they are. On that point, we wholeheartedly agree about your situation.
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I just got tired of waiting and being disappointed, watching my life go by
No you didn't. You're still doing it by your reckoning. You have changed nothing except your sleeping arrangements. I'm sure that'll continue until he leaves, because you don't have the fortitude to leave. You never did. Not from the beginning....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I hear you CV. There were many, many times I thought about leaving. Times where H would go to work, come home get dressed and go to a friends house until bed time. While I looked after two very small babies/ children. He couldn't handle crying or the kids being loud. I was alone, in fact I may as well have been a single mother for the first 4/5 years of their lives. If he was home he was angry. I convinced myself he would change and he did once the kids got old enough for him to be able to handle.
He still had anger issues but we learnt to ignore it. He still lied but I told myself it was just small things. He still made rude, hurtful comments to me in front of family and friends. I put up with it because I thought I loved him unconditionally. I didn't think he would cheat on me but he did.
He did what I never had the strength to do. I know for a fact that he can not ever find someone more honest and trustworthy than me. He may possibly find someone as honest and trustworthy but not more.
There I was waiting for the H I dated to return, he never did. He changed once we were married.
I know what it's like to be married but yet feel all alone. You deserve to be happy, however that may be.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
What? A marriage with problems??? Say it ain't so!?? I think you should really really consider not lashing out at those that value their spouse's and their marriages. At those that believe that marriage is more than a piece of paper.
AJ, I think you need to read again. I wasn't lashing out. I said it's depressing because I'm the WAW, and my LBS is not acting in the same way. I actually admire and envy having a spouse like that.
And AJ, I don't appreciate your sarcasm either. I'm not sure why you and KD think that's an appropriate way to address someone.
SS, I know you're not happy about the state of your M. But looking back, are you happy that you did all the things you did just to keep it together? Would it have been worth it in the end if nothing ever changed?
