She has said that she does not want to be around me however she asked me to go eat with her and the kids twice this weekend. She will sleep in our bed a couple of nights then sleep in another room for a couple of nights. She still kisses me goodnight then leaves. I am totally lost.
This is the distance/ pursuit dynamic at work. If you pull back as it sounds like you have, then her reaction will be to pursue you (wants to eat together, sleeps in your bed). What you should do is not react. This is the "castle analogy" written by Tumbling that helps explain what is going on and how you should react:
Quote:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
So you detach and GAL and leave her to sort her thoughts and join you if/ when she's ready.
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I actually shed a tear today for the first time in a long time ( by myself I must add).
Crying is hard for us guys, but it's a healthy thing. I used to go home after work (after separation), lock the bedroom door, go in the bathroom and start the waterworks. That would go on for 15+ minutes, then I'd get my act together, dry off and go out to take care of the kids. That went on for a couple of weeks and then became less and less frequent until it just stopped one day. Don't keep it bottled up!
Originally Posted By: Grizz
Oh yeh, do I ask her why sometimes she sleeps in our bed and other times not (no real apparent reason to me, I have definitely tried to figure it out)? Or, do I just let it go and not acknowledge it?
No, don't ask and don't acknowledge it. Asking about it would be pressure and you don't want to put any pressure on her.
Originally Posted By: Grizz
Well, we have some mutual friends going on vacation next week and they have offered their house to either of us as a place to stay just to "get away". I have been very seriously considering it. Good idea or not?
I would stay in the house if I were you, but by all means ask her if she wants to go stay there to get away and spend some time to herself.
