First of all, thank you for accepting me into this community. I will try hard to be respectful of everyone and the rules.
My wife and I wed 15 years ago. About 5 years into our marriage we started swapping with a couple that had been good friends of my wife from high school. It was great fun, and there was never any jealousy or dishonesty involved. When our girls were born about five years later we stopped playing with that couple and settled down to monogamy.
A little over two years ago my wife had an affair. Lots of lies and cover-ups until I finally confronted her with evidence, and she finally fessed up. We did MC for a year and things improved greatly.
About a year ago my wife mentioned she missed our playtimes with the other couple. I agreed to try swinging, this time a little more actively by joining a swingers website. We met several couples, and had some good times. Eventually my wife decided she didn’t much like same-room play (which is the what the majority of swingers enjoy), and much preferred separate room swapping. So we decided to open our marriage so that we could both have FWB’s. My wife was much more successful at this than I, getting several FWB’s right away. One in particular she developed feelings for, and we started discussing polyamory. I’ve always thought it would be a great lifestyle, because I’ve always felt I could love another the same way I love my wife, even though I don’t currently have someone else.
She starts texting with this guy excessively (thousands of times per month), and spending more and more time with him. She keeps finding excuses not to introduce me to him. Now she’s saying she doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, and has now refused to have sex with me. She’s started sleeping in our guest bedroom. I’ve told her it’s not right to have sex with another guy and not her husband of fifteen years, but that is falling on deaf ears. She has grudgingly agreed to MC with a poly-friendly counselor. She keeps saying all the things you guys already know about: “I’ve been unhappy for a long time”, and “I’ve grown and you haven’t”, etc.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Another thing that complicates matters is that she's bi-polar, and has a history of depression. I used to know what medication she was taking to combat this, but now if I ask she just gets angry and won't talk to me about it.
Also, a couple of years ago (about six months before her affair), she got bariatric surgery and lost a LOT of weight. Now she weighs a lot less than me. Also, about a year ago, she got breast augmentation that turned out fantastic (pretty natural looking, very little scarring). And now I'm contstantly wondering if, now that she is "new and improved", she's tossing me aside for a better model.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
I've just started reading "Divorce Busting". I'm a couple of chapters into it. Now I have an important question. My wife has been sleeping in the guest room for a couple of weeks now. I've tried hard to keep our twin, 5 year-old daughters from realizing this. But this morning, one of my girls told me she knows Mommy is sleeping in the guest room. I asked her why she thinks that, and she said Mommy told her that last night. Now I'm furious with W, and I want so hard to give her an earful about how I don't want the girls to think we don't love each other, yada yada.
But I know that I shouldn't give her an earful, because that would be counter-productive. But I want to do something. Young kids that age are very impressionable, and I don't want to do anything that would make them feel their lives are in upheaval. I know that children can be very vulnerable to feelings like this.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Wow, that's quite a story. Well if you remove the swingers and polyamory stuff from the equation, it sounds like you're in the same basic position that a lot of us here are in and I would assume the same DB'ing approach would apply to your sitch as well. And that would be to lovingly detach from your W, work on yourself, GAL (get a life) and give her time and space to think things through. Pick up and read DR if you haven't yet, and read Sandi's DB tips thread at the top of the forum for some helpful pointers on what to do and not do. Good luck!
Well, I still feel those lifestyles are perfectly acceptable in the right situation with the right people. My wife and I are very liberal and open-minded. In my situation, however, I think we made a mistake by pursuing this while our own marriage was rocky. Certainly, using hindsight, it was too soon after she shattered my trust with the affair. Now I'm constantly wondering if she suggested this lifestyle just to find a new husband. That remains to be seen.
That being said, I've noticed some positive things in the last couple of weeks since I've started with the 180. She's angry less, she actually asked to have dinner with me a few days ago (at the end of which she planted a kiss firmly on my lips), and now she has agreed to let me meet and talk to this other guy. Oh, and last night, at the end of a phone call where we were discussing kids' activiities, she actually said "I Love you". She said it very quickly, and I was so shocked I think I said it right back to her just as an ingrained reflex.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Another "I love you" from W on the phone last night. This time I was unsure of how to reply. I paused for a second, then said "Talk to you later". It was at the end of a conversation we had after my wife had dinner with a lady friend who is part of a couple that we used to swing with. This particular couple had broken things off with us late last year kind of mysteriously and unexpectedly, but during dinner last night with W apparently talked of how much they want to get back together with us. Not entirely sure how to handle that, or how much (or even if), my W talked about the problems we're having.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Today W heads to SC for a professional meeting for continuing education. She's been talking about this trip for months. Initially I offered to go with her, but she insisted on going alone. It means a 6-hour drive one way to get there, then several nights in a hotel, then the 6-hour drive back. There's talk of snow tonight in the mountains she'll be driving through. She's waffling now on whether she wants to go. But I think she's finally decided to risk it and go.
She's going to take the girls to her parents first, and they are going to keep them until Saturday morning. That means I have tonight and tomorrow evening to myself. I am trying to arrange a date for at least one of those nights. Have not been successful yet in finding one, but I am forever hopeful.
Wife still sleeping in guest room, but being much nicer to me. We had a long talk about her meeting with the lady part of that couple we used to play with. This lady said they want to get back together with us and play. W told her we're not swinging right now, but might be open to some threesome play. Not entirely sure what might come of that.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
Another "I love you" from W on the phone last night. This time I was unsure of how to reply. I paused for a second, then said "Talk to you later".
Well, usually the WAS quits saying ILY and that's why DB'ing counsels not to say it, because basically it reminds the WAS that they're not on the same page. But if your W is saying it, then I see no harm in saying it back to her. Because in your case you're not saying something contradictory to her thoughts.
Quote:
It was at the end of a conversation we had after my wife had dinner with a lady friend who is part of a couple that we used to swing with. This particular couple had broken things off with us late last year kind of mysteriously and unexpectedly, but during dinner last night with W apparently talked of how much they want to get back together with us. Not entirely sure how to handle that, or how much (or even if), my W talked about the problems we're having.
I really have no problem with your chosen path, but it's unprecedented around here to have other people voluntarily involved at a sexual level with a couple having marital problems so I have no idea what to tell you. It seems like you think it would be better to resolve your marriage issues outside of swinging and I would tend to agree with you. It just seems like involving other people right now would make things enormously complicated. I know swinging is regarded as NSA, but anytime people are having sex you can't help but develop some kind of emotional bond (some greater than others), and it just seems like that would get in the way of healing the M.
