Walking the path to my own happiness

[JuneReN]

I think we get caught up and stuck in the way we react and interact, even though we know better and want to do better. It's a form of conditioning and we get a payoff. Doesn't have to be a positive payoff, just a payoff. Usually it is in the form of attention, which can be negative, but if person is looking for attention, even subconsciously, they will seek out what works.

No offense hopefully, Regret, it is easier, I think, for me, because H and I are separated, live separate lives and I have the distance to take time to respond and act and think. You don't and you are doing remarkably well.

When I am with him, as I mentioned yesterday, stuff will come out of mouth. But I make sure I amend, or apologize or use "Wait a minute, that didn't come out right, let me start again" And usually I will start with a compliment for him.

So, you can use the "Ugh, that didn't come out right, let me start again" technique. If mention of Mom's BF's D set him off, say. "My bad, let's start again...wow, what a great/horrible day...and laugh a little or give him the smile you reserve for him (we all have one and let it go. It seems you are really trying to direct things still. Let it go a bit. I am such a control freak that I have to constantly check myself

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

Your description of your H's behaviour really amused me. It's so comforting to know that my H isn't the only one up to his shenanigans.

Did both things bug you? Did you manage not to comment when he ate some cheesecake?

My H has a real weakness for cheesecake. Maybe my H can take your H out to his favourite cheesecake place when he's in London!

How about not relinquishing the MBR when he gets back?

Just hang in there. Your sitch will keep evolving. Don't worry about how committed your H is. Just worry ab yourself.

Take care.

[Crazyville]

He didn't really get upset but he told me not to bring that up in front of S9. S9 has no idea about this and it was such an innocuous comment, but H takes it to the next level and gets in a tizzy over nothing.

I find it amazing how perspectives are so personal, and so varying. This ^^ really set alarms off in my head. Your response to your H is exactly like what my H does to me. I read:

"He didn't really get upset" == "takes it to the next level and gets in a tizzy over nothing."

Which is it? You admit that he didn't really get upset, but then turned it around and said that he got in a tizzy. To me, getting in a tizzy implies going rather ballistic. Then you completely dismissed his feelings altogether because he was (or wasn't) upset about "nothing." Regardless of whether or not you see it the way he does, discounting his feelings on the matter is not respectful. It would be similar to your H mocking you for being upset over a silly broken trinket, when to you it was a precious momento that your g-ma gave you years ago just before she died.

I think it's wonderful that you're working on your communication skills. What about your attitude? Contempt is one of the four horsemen of M (referencing the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.) Here's a description of contempt:

Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts yourself on a higher ground than your partner. Mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust are all examples of contempt. Of all the horsemen, contempt is the most serious. Couples have to realize that these types of put downs will destroy the fondness and admiration between them. The antidote to contempt is to lower your tolerance for contemptuous statements and behaviors and to actively work on building a culture of appreciation in the relationship.

I think this also supports the previous suggestion that you should still be appreciative of your H washing dishes. And btw, I completely get where you're coming from. I used to feel that same way too. Still have a hard time with it. But I haven't found contempt to be helpful in any way, soooo...

[FloydMan]

Wow CV,
I needed this too. This is our stuff in our M as well. I must admit both my W and I have been guilty of this. Contempt, sarcasm, nasty comments. We never really had blow ups in our M until after S. even that has been counted on one hand since May. Our first MC described that destructive contempt, sarcasm and passive aggressive behaviour to be worse than all out debate or argument.

One other quick point RLA,
A month ago my W happened to drive the kids past a house for sale in the neighbourhood on their way home and asked if they liked it and would consider moving to something like that and should she look at it. The kids were quite upset and told me afterwards. My my d14 said that her sister told her mom off and that she just said she did not like it. I never said anything to W and kept my mouth shut but was ticked off. The kids are hurting too and did not like what their mother did...they get it. My W I am sure is just trying to get them involved with the imminent changes but it did hurt them. Just an FYI.