Next Step, Moving On

[Aventinus]

Nail, I lived through this too. It took me probably more than a year to impose selfcontrol and overcome the desire to talk about R with my W, or confront her about the what essentially are YOUR issues (you have to accept that if she denies them they are not shared issues, at least for now).

You are not going to make it right away, so it is important with yourself and do not judje yourself too harshly. Monitor your reactions and find ways to control yourself. I had to pretty much stop talking to my W in order to control myself. I stopped initiating contact except in really important cases. Stopped answering to her abusive remarks (very hard to master). I imposed a 10 second rule - it usually takes about 10 seconds for my anger to subside, so I can give a more diplomatic response. I avoided spending time with her - after a ridiculous argument in front of our kid at the zoo.

Don't tell her you don't want to talk / spend time with her because you don't get along - this is R talk too. Just find pretexts not to be with her, or to be with her very selectively.

And stop with "did I blow it?" or "she is resolute on getting a D". These are meaningless. First, the changes DBing will help you put all this in the past and get along with her regardless whether you are together or not. You still want to do this even if you D, because you want to be able to bring your kids up together.

So, stop worrying about the outcome or on her. Focus on what you are doing every moment of every day, and you will gradually feel and act better.

[dorightman]

Thanks Aventinus, I appreciate your advice. I will try to not communicate with her as much. I have been able to control my anger much better these

[dorightman]

Past two weeks. I just have to stop talking about the R. My DB coach advised me to talk to w about coparenting, setting up my apt for the kids, basically talk g to her about making mutual decisions concerning our family. Working together.
I will try to put off the mediator and hope it fades away, I won't talk about it anymore.

[dorightman]

W just asked me how I'm feeling. Been mellow the past 3 days. She questioned me and my response was that I was not thinking about her or our R, that I was focused on me and our kids and only concerned with positivity. I said I've gone through all the negative emotions already and not interested in focusing on that anymore. Only interested in positivity.

She asked me whether I thought she could trust that and my response was to give it time and see whether I'm consistent.

She wanted to know whether I was still moving out and whether I'm facing the reality of her wanting a D. My response was that I was looking for a place, but haven't found one yet. I ignored the question about D.

I think this is a good baby step for me. What do you think? Did I do ok?

[longrun]

I like your responses to your wife, well done.

[mamabird]

Nail, I am basically in the same place with my H. No movement on his part, heels dug in, definitely holding fast to the concept it's over. I remember a few months ago she was insisting you move out and we all told you not to. My H tried to push me out too. Now he is supposedly moving out so we can S and try to get some space.

All we can do now is focus on ourselves. Getting hold of your anger and emotions is a good starting place. I know I need to work on that too; I have a hair trigger reaction to my H and he to me. The 10 second rule sounds like a great idea. It is in your best interest anyway. I was listening to a lecture today about anger and it said that when we're angry, we're judge, jury and executioner; we are convinced that we are 100% right and we can only see the situation from our own internal lens of hurt or whatever is going on with us. We are not clear thinking. Try the 10 seconds; I am going to try it too.

Look, even though we are here and trying, there's no promise that our Ms will turn around. Many people on these boards go on to D and come out better on the other side. It is a hard mindset to master, the one of dropping the rope, but you will get there in time. The best thing, right now, is to focus on you and your kids. You cannot control what your wife does, says or thinks. Focus on being the H only a fool would leave.

[dorightman]

Regretful, I understand how bad anger is, I had a half a dozen angry responses in the past 5 months. They only set me back, for all I know, they may have been the final "nail in the coffin", but who knows. It's hard to speculate whether things would have changed if I had done this or that in the past. I believe my w has had her mind made up for a looooong time, way before August. She just had too much guilt and fear to act on it until August.

I still can't for the life of me understand why she's doing this. I still suffer when she comes into the room with me and the kids and gives them good morning kisses and love and ignores me. I cannot get through the day without detaching myself from her, it hurts too much.

I'am on the fence about whether I should move out, or try to stay in the house and be detached. She has threatened to move out with the kids if I don't. I don't know if she is bluffing or not.

I'am on the fence as to whether I should keep hopeing that she will come around and give us another shot, or whether I should just move on with my life.

I feel the same as you do, I want to love and be loved. Being around a S who acts like ours is a downer to say the least! It takes ALOT of strength to get through everyday with them. And in my case, she's acting like my friend, even if it's better then my enemy, it's still weird and painful.

I know I have to detach, and staying in the house makes that much more difficult.
I will continue to work on myself and take care of the kids and me....

[AnotherStander]

I was listening to a lecture today about anger and it said that when we're angry, we're judge, jury and executioner; we are convinced that we are 100% right and we can only see the situation from our own internal lens of hurt or whatever is going on with us. We are not clear thinking.

This is great insight, not just for ourselves but for our WAS as well. This is why it's so important to try and defuse their anger as quickly as possible when it comes up, because when they're angry THEY are judge, jury and executioner, and THEY are convinced that they are 100% right. So WE have to detach and not react to their anger, because reacting to their anger is a no-win situation due to the mindset they're in! I think this is why Michele says to validate their emotions without agreeing or disagreeing, because telling them "you sound angry, I understand why you feel that way" instantly puts them at ease while trying to agree or disagree just gives them a reason to continue the spew.

[dorightman]

Good point Stander!
I'am trying to make a decision about whether I should stay here in the house, or move. I know that everyone says that I should stay, but my w says that if I don't leave , she will take the kids and leave. She then says that I would not be acting like a man because I would be displacing the kids by not moving out. I don't know whether she's bluffing or not, and I think she's the one thats displacing the kids because she's the waw.
I'am also considering the fact that as long as I'm around, she will not look at herself because I'm always there for her to blame. If I move away for a couple months, maybe she would be forced into looking at herself and her anger and resentment.

Then again, she says and acts like she has no love for me at all and it doesn't feel like she'll have a change of heart. It really feels over and I question why I want to be with a person that doesn't love me.

[MrBond]

"w says that if I don't leave , she will take the kids and leave. "

Talk to your L about this. She can't make you do anything you don't want to.

"She then says that I would not be acting like a man because I would be displacing the kids by not moving out."

When she says stuff like this, tell her that you are sorry that she's unhappy, but again she is the one unhappy not you or the kids. And that she will not be threatening you or using your children as a bargaining chip any longer. Then have her talk to your L.