But for me, I find that I'm focusing on being alone in the now. How I would deal with H being gone while raising two small kids. My love life - or lack of one - is definitely low man on the totem pole.
interestingly - i do too. the dealing on a daily basis with being/feeling alone. i've always been okay with solitude- it's just this business of it being thrust upon me. i always had the notion in the back of my mind of my attachment with h and his with me. somehow we're still attached- but this jerk is off wandering around with ow.
i tend to get too darn GLOBAL when i think about what i'm doing and why. you saying that - makes me realize this is yet another example of that particular (flaw) mindset i have. i do acknowledge it- it still lurks in the badk of my mind. nothing is etched in stone- yet i keep thinking these decisions are BIG BIG BIG - AND WILL mean something big.
it stops me- it's what holds me up about working- it seems like it's all got to be GIANT AND FOREVER. that is nuts of course- anything can change anytime - my feelings included. yet- it symbolizes someting FINAL - and i'm not yet sure about what the final outdcome should or could be.
hearing you say it- i realize i have to quit that. i've never ever been a big planner for the future- no master plan in life - ever (well, except like you, loosely that i would love and live with this man forever-grow old together & so on). so much for that- no wonder i don't plan.
ever since my dad died when i was 18- i've realized we all don't get to choose when we go- enjoy it while you have it. doesn't make it any easier to let it all go. my life.
Quote:
I very much miss having that kind of R in my life, miss having that R with my H. Yes, my close confidants assure me that I would have no problem finding someone else to love and appreciate me. But... I got married believing I would be with my H forever. I was prepared to be with him, and only him, for the rest of the my life.
that's the rub - huh? me too. i get the same feedback from friends - they like me- they believe it. i like me - sometimes i believe it - it may be true - it may not. i'd say a crap shoot in life. i've had so much in life for so long - maybe i've used up my "good" quota in life??? i sometimes wonder - h will be a hard act to follow (all the good aspects). i'm not saying impossible - i think tho, maybe unlikely. just trying to keep it a bit real. i am not making any decisions here based on bravado or false expectations.
you are sure rite about can't control them. i'm losing faith that my h will come to any brilliant & enlightened conclusions about how much he does, in fact, love me. all his good aspects aside - emotionally he is warped. i never appreciated the breadth & depth.
Quote:
Have been rereading stuff on detachment. I have a new perspective and understanding that I didn't have earlier in the journey.
what would that be? if i can ask. i have trouble with this concept - because the fact that we're trying to db would seem to mean we are still "invested" in this person & r. if we achieve total detachment- why are we here & bothering? it's painful & long & unhappy process??? just our gut demanding we ride it out til we can't hang on anymore?
you are also right- there are many things i could be (and probably should be) doing outside my house and current life.
i just don't- i just do not pick up my buttons and go do it. i need to quit thinking in terms of any thing i do as being my BIG DECISION- AND FOREVER. i do tend to over-dramatize maybe. it's how i see it- if i take a serious - real job- then i am saying adios to my life in fl, my family down there (i miss the babies btw) - so on. this jerk of a h made me have a life down there to be with him - now why does he get to say i have to chuck it? i can't figure how to "have it all" (page from his book). (oh God- i don't want to be like him)
i am a bit mired in the stress of my mother situation. who died and made it only my job tho? she's got 4 living daughters - i am working on being more detached with this too- letting the bossy younger sister who says i push everyone around (oh cripes- i wish) take charge. that usually means she issues orders from on high (and 2 hrs away) and I get to salute & perform . so far- she is not happy about not being able to "talk to me" (as in - give me my orders) about how she wants it to happen. i have gone dark on her for past few days.
it takes a toll - i am bad at having giant bad feelings in my life. (can't we all just get along- picture fingers in peace signs please)
Quote:
. " A heart may be broken, but it keeps on beating just the same."
too true- thank you for your thoughts. i'd like to hear your thoughts on detachment and your new and improved outlook. if there was just confusion and not ea & ow involved- perhaps i'd be more "accepting" or understanding. i'd be curious to hear how you see your detachment.
i like your clear-thinking & agree philosophically with you. i surely hope i continue to bounce- one wonders some days.
i know it could be alot worse- i just still find myself wanting back the fun years. oh yeah- and i go around being very jealous of all my old married buddiews & people i see and wonder what the heck is so special about them that i don't inspire that kind of devotion??? oh mannnnnn.....
