hey hi and holy crow- \ what a life you've got going there this moment. you sounded a bit better by last post. i listen to you- and wonder how the heck i would deal with your sitch.
it's sooo constant. i wonder tho about the ramifications of you moving out. i don't know the law in your state- i'd think you both own the house together and both are entitled to be there. i am not sure you can chuck him out - or he you. it does stink- HOPEgully your pulling back and not acknowledging him is good stuff if you can do it and it "lets you off the hook" a bit. it's hard to look at them all the time and feel the un-feeling.
i wish i had a miracle answer/cure. you are sure correct that this waiting around is the killer. i still wonder tho, i can tell that both of us are way more detached than a year ago- BUT if this detachment is supposed to be crucial and a good thing- howcome (for me anyway) it is creating distance rather than making me feel all able to "do this" and stay the course?? i mean- are we hoping still for an ultimate re-unification? or an ultimate strength to break it off?
i sure don't have wisdome for you- i sure wish you lived down the street so we could take a big ole walk- and rant our stupid heads off and go home tired & empty - and so on. i just don't know how guys like us- keep doing something like this? i feel about 100 years old today- no kidding.
i'm glad for the good things in and about my life- but i'm done and DONE AND DONE WITh all this bad junk . did i say i'm done? i can't even flesh out what that means = i just feel it- i am done.
i am sure tho, that we both will make it for the next hour, then the next afternoon, then the next evening- then another. til - what??? something??? maybe one of us will all of a sudden have a revelation and achieve instant nirvana? ya think? maybe one of us will explode and shoot guts allover the clean living room? maybe one of us will go out an look around for the daffodils that are popping up -
there's even a little cherry tree up the streeting blooming- poor little thing thinks it's spring - confused like the rest of the universe.
as usual- i hate it both ways. hate when he's there having what he apparently thinks is his great new life- with his stupid people & relatives in it who are so darn important...??? and i hate it when he's here and not in a normal life or r with me.
my h acts pleasant and like everything in life is perfectly "normal". we don't fight- we don't really talk either.
i find it alll toooo cold and distant for my tastes. it is very very "tame" compared to what you deal with.
when h is here- i am insulted and hurt by his lack of affection. i tell myself at least he is not angry and looking for a fight like he was before i knew. i would like very much to just feel hate for him- repulsion and want to never see his face again. then i would tra la out of his life and do just that- never see his face again. i don't like or admire or respect him any more tho either- i don't feel attracted - i don't see how that would or could ever happen again. if he does not work at wooing me back- i don't think we will stay together (i'm thinking ultimately i'll end it).
i think about this mlc spiel of mwd- for want of a better plan (and job & tons of xtra money) i keep hanging in here. i am not sure why anymore.
my h does not have the overt & seeable "sickness" of yours. if he has i don't see it. he is selfish and self-centered and just wants what he wants. whatever is his "pain" - or "problem" - he doesn't even articulate to hmself i think- he just thinks "i am not happy" - she is the one here in my life - therefore it is her making me unhappy. ow is a good friend- i like her- i screw her- she makes me feel young again & happy". the end - third grade.
i think that is all there is in his head and heart. it does not make me want to jump his bones. i cannot stand being around him while he's all unaffectionate & we are disconnected. all his bs about "cares about me a great deal" - it's treasonous and makes me insulted and mad every day. i do not think i'll ever get neutral about it (ow) ea - he needs to ball up and either choose her- or choose a life with me- or i do - - - one of us has to do something - someday.
i'm guessing someday it will be me. i'll get the darn job and darn life and hopefully won't be unhapy & alone. is it better to have a companion a third of the time or none of the time? it's a pathetic way to look at it- this is not what i ever saw or wanted for my life and myself. it is still someone somewhere in my life.
too darn many people in my life heading out, dying, getting old and going away. i rue the day i didn't create children so they would be "stuck with me)" forever. i know it's stupid- that is no guarantee either. it's all dumb - no matter how i swirl the peices around - nothin fits anywhere.
all this crap going on with my mother has me distracted beyond belief. warring with this one sister of mine- she's pushy & really in my face. i haven't talked to her- i don't even want to try - she's unable to "hear" anyone but herself or her pompous h. why bother really? even thinking about talking to her makes me dread it- an exercise in futility.
Would anyone care for an extra helping of aggravation???
i do not need one more person being my "boss" and telling what to do and how to do it. my h, my mother, now her? i don't think so anymore. i have really had it with all these boneheads and their crap attitudes and abrasive personaliites and big fat opinions and stupid lives.
i think it's safe to say they all find me incredibly annoying- so get the hell out of my life already. for pete sake - don't tell me (i'm not interested any more) - tell each other.. ball in their courts.
oh man- sorry for my own SPEW here- you need comfort and support. all i can say is i'm with you in thought- i admire your guts to have gone thru what you have and you're "still standing" - as am i. for what? and why? i don't really know- maybe our own valuation of our "characters" our giving a chance to something important to us until it is soooo abundantly dead and thru that we are sure beyong even one tiny shred of a doubt? that's all i can assume- that like those dopes we loved - we are on our own journey- misunderstood by almost everyone in the universe, nevertheless - something WE MUST do - we both are- so i'm assuming it's our gut moving us forward.
can we let go of the reins and just trust that gut? don't know. he's the guy that let me love this lying jerk for my whole life (blindly) . don't know and don't know.
perhaps we're powerless and moved by forces beyond our ken & control? okay- do you even want to crack a smile at my stupid confusion and insanity? maybe that's all we can do today- smile indulgently at our own insanity.
i'm going with that- i apparently HAVE TO do this - or i'd stop I think. you too - (hand of God?)
xxoo ((((( ))))) if i could save ya i sure would- hang on...
