Very Conflicted

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Thought I'd drop back in becaue things seemed pretty quiet here.

I/O: There is an underlying story here. Many men, particularly in this type of sexual mismatch fear at least one thing. They have a sense that no matter what they do or threaten, they cannot change the woman they love. In fact the fear is, in retaliation, that what they'll get back is even worse. They don't just acquiesce, they give up, knowing that staying quiet will preserve some level of peace. Trying to deal with the situation just makes things worse, particularly since "change" is something to be resisted because the way you are is (or were was) more important than hearing, ackowledging and addressing the issue. Best to live in "quiet desperation" than to deal with a wife that can make life incredibly miserable (note: years later that misery may have become preferable to the current living situation).

While men may come to the marriage with some outside experience that reinforces that POV of quiet desperation, it is more likely that it comes from within the relationship. You pretty much confirmed that with your bonfire comment. You don't think he knows that about you? You don't think that you trained him with whatever implicit or explicit threat you put into the relationship?

We know that you can make it so bad for us that staying quiet or walking away may be our BATNA. Others sometimes go the violence route, which is definitely a losing proposition all the way around.

So, why would something that looks like change (after he left) be believable to him? The ball is not in his court. Oh, you think it is. That is the POV that you have expressed here (and we can be reasonably sure that you have conveyed a similar message to him). He, having a history with you, knows differently and this probably looks like a variation of the same old thing. Besides, he has a situation which addresses (even if imperfectly for the moment) that which you could/would not.

Oh, he has his own baggage to deal with, to be sure, and that may or may not trip him up.

The Captain