Soul.Searching my way back.

[subguy]

I'm sorry SS, I know you get sick of hearing this but be strong, hang in there and my new mantra: Be Bold, Be strong, Be Authentic.
Hugs from TN

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Subguy. There's just been so much death since BD. I know it is all very real but it almost seems surreal at the same time. It also feels like its centered around me. I know it sounds crazy but it's hard not to think these things sometimes.

[subguy]

Does not sound crazy at all, you are dealing with a lot of emotions. It's difficult, your brain probably will not shut down. The most difficult thing to deal with is ourselves. Try to find something, anything to give your mind a break for a few minutes. Read a good book, soak in a tub with really loud music playing, go for a run, you know the deal. Unfortunately this is life and right now it's a difficult time. You must realize it for what it is allow yourself to feel these emotions and allow them to pass.

I think this is why having goals is SOOOO important, it gives us something to look forward to other than our perceived misery. I made up two project boards, one with about 50 goals/dreams(I even put climb Mt. Everest), I just went for it on the dreams. On this board I put 1, 3, 5 10 year post it notes. I then arranged all the goals/dreams by my order of importance under the time frames.

The second project board is for the dreams/goals I am actively trying to achieve (to hard to try to achieve all 50 lol). I then put 8 post it notes on my second board and labeled them 1. Social 2. Physical 3. Spiritual 4. Financial 5.Education 6. Work 7. Family 8. Personal. I then chose about 8 dreams/goals (real important ones) under my 1 year sticky note on first board and placed them under the appropriate post it note.

I tried to figure out why I am doing the goals etc. e.g. I listed running a half marathon this spring as a goal, I placed it under personal not physical because I want to prove to myself I am capable of setting a big goal and then achieving it, 13.1 miles is a long way to run in my opinion (I will feel really good when I accomplish it). I also have some goals that are more easily obtainable. I am going to review this board every 2 weeks and update. I am also keeping a journal of my goal activity to keep track.

I also have an accountability partner that I will review with every two weeks. The great thing is he is my boss at work lol.

I hope you get some ideas that will work for you. Remember to keep posting here because we can all empathize and we all are rooting for you. You are stronger than you know SS. One day you will look back and have tears of joy because you will have grown and overcome so much. The best part is you will have done it with class and dignity, unlike so many other people in this world.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Subguy. I do have goals, not huge ones or a lot of them but I've got what I need for now.
Feeling a little betrayed ATM. I found out the MIL had H, my kids, OW and her kids over for a BBQ. It's not even four months yet and it feels like she is encouraging it. MIL and H also seperately had one on one talks with my kids about OW, despite me asking them not to.
They both told me the kids were fine with it. H hasent even told them that OW is his GF.
Well I finally got my children back today and D9 is not fine with it!
She told me while we were playing that she thinks OW is H's GF because of the way they act and that H sleeps in her bed.
She does like OW and her children but does not like what H is doing.
She said to me "I don't like it and I don't understand how Dad can say its for our own good. You didn't fight very much at all and all married people fight. It's normal and How can Dad even want a girlfriend so soon? I don't like it and I'm sure you don't either Mum but we can't control other people can we? It's not like you can make him love you?" She was close to tears the whole time. She sounded so grown up and like she had put a lot of thought in to it.

She said OW is nice and doesn't yell at them but she really yells at her own kids a lot. She said H yells at OWs kids a lot too but not at them.
Both D9 and S8 said her kids are very badly behaved and that they constantly fight and swear. D9 said that the only boy OW's D who is 13 will allow in her room is her boyfriend.
They slept in a mattress out the loungeroom and ate take away every night except one.

There's been really huge heat waves around here lately. H can't handle the heat. Apparently OWs house is really hot and doesn't have a proper aircon. H must be going insane!!

The kids said that OW went in the pool with them but H wouldn't.
I don't understand him, he makes this big deal about wanting them half the holidays but yet the kids say he doesn't spend time with them. That pisses me off.

H also sounded very dissapointed when he seen our pool. Said it was heaps bigger.
He was also very angry about something he left here getting wet outside, it was right where he left it. I could see and feel his anger but he never said a word about it. I do wonder how long he can keep it under control like that. Must be very hard for him.

Both the kids faces dropped when I told them I had some very sad news to tell them. They both looked so scared. They handled it very well though. It's a lot of them to deal with too.

[subguy]

SS hope all is going well. I'd love to hear some of your goals. I'm thinking about you and trying to send positive vibes your way.
((SS))

[afa75]

SS I feel for you and all that you're going through.
Your D9 is wise beyond her years.
And as Subguy asked what are your goals, that are helping you through such a rough time. I may have to borrow some.

(((((( ))))))

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks guys, feeling really down and confused right now. Will post about that underneath but to answer your question....
My goals are small and simple right now but that's what I feel I need at the moment. I feel overwhelmed a lot lately. They are basically,
Exercising
Having a PMA
Stopping thoughts of H and OW
Rid the house if H's stuff. I have piles all over the place that he hasent taken, so I'm going to box them all up in one huge box.
Quit smoking. ( which needs to be broken down in to smaller steps, I just have so much going in right now and it's hard.)
Getting a job I'm happy with that makes money less of an issue.

H has offered me a piece of furniture for S's room and its something I have been wanting to get for him. It will save me some money but I think it's OW's sons. I don't think I want anything of hers in my house. I'm a bit unsure on what to do about it.

H informed me today that he won't be coming to the funeral. I didn't expect him to anyway. I had a feeling he wouldn't since he told me on the phone he would be there for me. I heard OW I'm the background, so I thought she would put a stop to it. He says he can't get time of work, which I highly doubt is true. It's for a funeral. I must say, even with not expecting him to come, it still hurts.

I don't need him to be there for me but He was his family too for 13 years and H knew him years before that too. It just hurts.
I'm just feeling so confused and down. I mean I thought he would want to be there. How can you just totally forget the people who were his family for the last 13 years.

[subguy]

Thanks guys, feeling really down and confused right now. Will post about that underneath but to answer your question....
My goals are small and simple right now but that's what I feel I need at the moment. I feel overwhelmed a lot lately. They are basically,
Exercising
Having a PMA
Stopping thoughts of H and OW
Rid the house if H's stuff. I have piles all over the place that he hasent taken, so I'm going to box them all up in one huge box.
Quit smoking. ( which needs to be broken down in to smaller steps, I just have so much going in right now and it's hard.)
Getting a job I'm happy with that makes money less of an issue.

Awesome, keeping them small and simple in the begining is good. Actually achieving some of your goals will help with the PMA. Try putting in a couple of obtainable goals and see what happens when you get them done. Exercise how many times per week? keep narrowing them down.

H has offered me a piece of furniture for S's room and its something I have been wanting to get for him. It will save me some money but I think it's OW's sons. I don't think I want anything of hers in my house. I'm a bit unsure on what to do about it.

Do what makes you feel comfortable. Make a decision and go for it, no regrets. Did you ask him if it was her son's furniture, that one simple question may help your decision making process??

H informed me today that he won't be coming to the funeral. I didn't expect him to anyway. I had a feeling he wouldn't since he told me on the phone he would be there for me. I heard OW I'm the background, so I thought she would put a stop to it. He says he can't get time of work, which I highly doubt is true. It's for a funeral. I must say, even with not expecting him to come, it still hurts.

Of course it hurts, your human and spent a long time together with your H, however that man stopped being the person you knew before. Expect nothing from him and you won't be disappointed when it happens. I'll be there in spirit, if I could I'd show up.

I don't need him to be there for me but He was his family too for 13 years and H knew him years before that too. It just hurts.
I'm just feeling so confused and down. I mean I thought he would want to be there. How can you just totally forget the people who were his family for the last 13 years.

I'm sure he is torn up on the inside as well, don't discount his feelings. He is just running and hiding from them, I think I'd rather deal with them head on than live in fear of them anymore.

[Soul.Searching]

IRRELEVANT, that's irrelevant. Irrelevant, irrelevant, irrelevant. THAT'S ITRELEVANT!!! OMG my head sounds like a broken down record!!!

"Irrelevant" is my new mantra! One simple word that I keep telling myself when thoughts of H or OW enter my head. They are irrelavant!

Why H can treat OW so much better than he did me,... IRREVELANT!

Blahhhh blahhhh blahhh.

Sunshine lollipops and rainbows!!!

[Soul.Searching]

" Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about screaming with the thunder, running with the lightning, and learning to dance in the rain. "


After a lot of thought and trying to tell myself different, I realized that maybe,.. Just maybe I'm not done.
I love H and as hard as it is and even though I haven't been doing the best job of it, I'm not intending on sitting around waiting for him.

I have a lot of work to do on me. If H and I were to ever R, I know it would not be any time soon. He has a lot of work to do and hoops to jump through if he ever wanted to be back with me. I feel and fear, he is digging his hole deeper and deeper. The deeper he gets, the less chance I feel there will be any hope.

I don't hold much hope at all but I've been trying to deny there is any but deep down I know there is. I don't know how long it will last. I do know that I can not sit around and wait.

Right now I'm not ready to date but when I am,.,. Who knows who it will be.

I so want to let him go and detach, which I have done towards him but not inwardly. I still feel it all. It hurts,...

He called today, still keeps telling me I can call him to just talk sometimes or if I need someone to be there for me. I can't do it though.
It would feel like a EA,... I know some here hope for that but to me, I doesn't feel right. I have always had high morals when it comes to cheating and I'd feel like I let myself down.

Pretty sad when someone can be/ feel like OW to their own husband. I'm worth more than that. I'm either someone's only or their nothing. Simple.

I feel like Karma has got me. Last year, I was upset about H wanting to go golfing on Australia Day. I thought it was a family day and should be spent together. I guess it didn't occur to me that just because it meant that to me, didn't mean that was what it meant to H,..., well now this year H will be camping with my kids on A-day,.,, wow, that feels like a punch in the face. Lesson learned.

Today was the hottest day recorded around here. It reached 46.5 c,.,, that's 115.7 F

I'm so thankful for our aircon today. I ended up taking the kids to the indoor pools in the afternoon. It's still pretty hot now at nearly 1am