Walking the path to my own happiness

[GH31]

Hi RegretfulLA,

This is a great post from FloydMan, even if some bits of it don't resonate with you.

RLA, I read your earlier post and I can tell you an A is more overwhelming that the betrayer will ever realize. I am not saying this or what I am about to say as laying blame or guilt, but rather try to give you insight from this side of the fence, as your posts have given me insight too. Yes, your H does need that assurance otherwise it will fail…..we were well warned in MC. My W ignored the advice of the 2 MC’s, the books After the Affair and 5LL’s, along with other publication by the more prominent people on this topic. Read Divorce Remedy chapter on Infidelity again too. They all say the same thing and the prescribed route. These are the best minds in the world on this topic and to ignore that advice and the advice of people that have been through it just for sake of pride and stubbornness in my view a little selfish in light of what I was put through. Sorry but I am being kindly blunt. It may not be selfish, but sure comes across that way. You cannot blame the betrayed spouse for the A because your needs weren’t met or any other reason. Was his needs met? Was mine? Don’t know about your H, but mine weren’t. I dropped the ball in other areas and worked hard to correct them as prescribed. Both spouses are responsible for the dysfunction of the M leading to the A. But the Betrayer needs to own this and make it right as much as possible. Don’t look at it as “the land of guilt and self-flaggellation” as you say. Look at it as prescribed medication. My W has been on Blood Pressure meds for 5 years and takes them religiously because the doctor says she needs them for her health. Well, 2 doctors and the best in the business prescribe this method of healing so why is it brushed off. Sometimes the medicine is bad tasting, but needed. It would not last forever, but required for trust to be built.
It seems you and your H are both waiting for the other to prove who is more committed. Well, is DB not teaching us to take our own action and put it in place and not worry about the other person and what they do? Take action. I am glad you are going to MC. Really take heed of the healing advice on an A. It is not about blaming the A or the reason for it, but it does need to be addressed and dealt with. Actions speak louder than words of promise. Just trying to help kiddo as it seems you are not ready to throw in the towel contrary to what you say you are doing. Clearly your H is not done with his actions contrary to his words. It is tough, hard and hurting on both of you.

Here are a couple of things I experienced as a result of dealing with an affair as a BH in my marriage:

1. Digestive system shut down and I went for about ten days without eating anything.

2. Chest felt like someone had taken a circular saw to it.

3. Panic attacks every lunch time. They lessened in severity with time but didn't disappear entirely until some time in 2012.

4. Post traumatic stress disorder for a couple of years afterwards. All the textbook symptoms.

5. Fired from two jobs because of my complete inability to concentrate (and I voluntarily left another).

6. Couldn't read a book (other than a marriage book), watch a film or play a game of chess for nearly two years due to my mind completely shutting down.

It was certainly a "character building" experience.

I really do feel your husband's pain but he has something I would have killed for all those years ago, a wife who loves him, is sincerely remorseful and who would do anything to put things right.

I think he's being a fool by refusing to let you into his heart again and he doesn't know what's about to hit him with this separation.

GH31