Walking the path to my own happiness

[FloydMan]

The Egg Scene:
This is the dynamic in my M, and I assume in many or most marriages when in crisis. Now, here is how it compares to mine. I would’ve answered the same way as your H.
You see how he did something for the family but what you pointed out what he did ‘not’ do. It was inadvertent on your part, but that is the sensitivity. I too do a gazillion things but get only noticed for what I did not do. Your thanks for the breakfast fell on deaf ears because he was already insulted for his inadequacy, as inadvertent as it was. That is why he ignored all 3 attempts. Just say it once as after that it looks like you are looking for the recognition.
Now, an A is hurtful on so many, many levels. Your H inside feels that he had done many things for the M and family but missed one thing (intimacy/connection/attention to you etc) and was punished in the most hurtful way possible. I say this because it is my view too as right or wrong as it may be, these are the feelings and as we always agree on this board, feelings are not wrong. Do you see the parallel? He feels he cannot please and never has pleased you….in anything.
So, when he does something simply say thanks or acknowledge it in some way, but never, ever point out what’s missing. I assume that it was obvious there were no eggs so in situations like this maybe word it to offer some…or whatever the situation is. Such as hypothetically is he does the laundry acknowledge it. Don’t point out if he mixed the wrong colours, or folded the way you don’t prefer. This is actually example of what I get. I do the laundry and get criticized for it because I don’t fold it correctly…even my own stuff. It hits the psyche like you just can’t please no matter what the effort. Yes, confidence is rattled in so many areas because of this dynamic be it sexually, chores, work/income, parenting etc etc.
Now, you also said you felt dissed and had to engage in a fight. NO! You don’t have to engage in a fight, especially if it is to get a point across or as you say communicate. Why would he agree with you if you are starting in on him especially after feeling insulted?
Now, the dismissive “Whatever”: Oh boy, that gets my craw. So I can relate. But we have to remember, this is the way they are being passive aggressive and dismissing us. It is an ager response to hurt. The “No, there’s no eggs” is not passive aggressive in my view. It was an overt defensive, angry response. Your comment of “But no eggs” would be more passive-aggressive whether consciously or not, inadvertent or not. That is how it would be taken
Sarcasm is anger’s bitter cousin.
Lastly, you are bothered that he is giving up and says that he is not interested to work on it, but you also say the same things. So, how is he supposed to feel like working on it too if you keep reminding him that you have lost faith etc. You are also demanding forgiveness. That is pressure on him. Trust takes a long time to build after an A. It is not turning on a switch and saying you’re sorry and all is done. Trust is not the same as forgiveness. Please again reread DR on infidelity or any notable author on the topic of infidelity/healing/trust/forgiveness issues. They all say the same things.
You are doing great at recognizing these things, now as longrun said see if you can at the moment. This is the really, really hard part but you can do it.