I knew better...but I did it anyway...

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SB -

I think I am going to go against the grain here and I hope you don't take my comments the wrong way. I support you, I understand exactly what you are going through and I want nothing but the best for you AND YOUR KIDS.

Along those lines, here are my thoughts...

This email sounds very nice and sane to me and it is making me wonder if he has other motives. He knows that baby is coming in 7 weeks and all of the sudden he is interested in him.

Detach. Never mind about his motives - those are his and you have no control over them. Focus on what YOU think is the right thing to think and do.

Before I post the email..I would like to say that all the things in this email are, of course, not true and his idea of what is happening.

This ^^^^ is a very bold statement. I would humbly encourage you to think it through. Do any of us really hold "the truth"? Consider that perhaps he is speaking based on what HE feels? Isn't that in line with "His idea of what is happening?
Would it be more productive and helpful to try to put yourself in his shoes and understand a bit of his perspective?

I will say that I do not want him to be at the sonogram or the birth, because I do NOT feel comfy with those arrangements. That is true. I am concerned that he is all of the sudden interested in the baby.

What would be wrong with him finally seeing the light and showing interest in his baby? Wouldn't you rather have an involved father for them? Isn't that, in the end in the baby's best interest regardless of what happens to your M?

"SB-
He is not even born yet, but I can't stop worrying about my relationship with my son.

I don't think you realize how important it is for me but for him too, to have a full and loving relationship with his father. I know you are hurting and upset and angry with me. I totally get and understand that. We must, however, make sacrifices for the good of our children and this is one that you HAVE to make. I acknowledge that I said some awful things about him when we first found out you were pregnant. I regret them tremendously and feel guilty all the time for having said them. When I said them, however, things were extremely difficult and I said them out of fear.

I want desperately to be involved in all aspects of his birth (appointments, sonograms and actual birth). I realize that it is probably awkward and difficult but it is not something that we can ignore. I think we need to have a discussion, probably face to face, where we can discuss this and come to some sort of a compromise."

Honestly, I don't see anything bad with any of what he says here ^^^. On the contrary, I perceive honesty and vulnerability on his part. He is owning to his mistakes about his reaction when he found out about the baby. IDK, I would think that is a good thing (at least for the baby).

I also see it as productive that he wants to establish a dialogue with you about this and wants to work with you. I also have to agree, that even as bad as he has behaved he does have the same rights as a parent as you do... Yes, this sounds harsh but it's the truth.

Look, I totally understand where you are coming from. I WAS THERE, but you need to really put your feelings aside and think about the baby. You will HAVE to have a relationship with this man AS THE FATHER OF YOUR KIDS for the rest of your life. You have a choice as to how smooth or difficult it will be. He now wants to be there for his kids, why punish him? Is it that he is only allowed to have a R with them if he comes back with you?
Please, SB, dig deep. Find your motivations for your actions. I know in my case, I was very angry, I felt he wanted to get away with everything and I often considered not letting my H be part of certain events or activities. NOT GOOD. I am glad I have been able to put aside my own feelings for the sake of our kids. THEY deserve at least that from me...

"I am his parent too and just because you are pregnant with him doesn't give you the right to alienate me or exclude me from everything. I was supposed to be the one who bought his crib and dresser. Why, if you knew that, would you make other arrangements?"

I agree that this ^^^^ is aggressive and attacking. But if you read between the lines, he feels alienated and excluded. Is that a valid feeling? From what you have shared with us, I'd say it is... IF YOU WERE IN HIS SHOES, would you feel any different than him? Would you be ok with it?

"I think they have been unnecessarily involved in too much. As a result, this situation has been more traumatic for them than it ever should have been. "

"Please consider letting me come to the sonogram on Monday. Please also consider having a discussion about what our compromise and arrangement might look like. I know it's going to be hard for you but we ALL will be better for having done it.
H"

This ^^^^^ I am 100% in agreement with. My humble opinion is that BOTH of you have let your older Ds see and hear way more than what they should re. your marital problems and each others behaviors. I agree that he failed miserably in keeping things away from them, but I feel that perhaps you have also had conversations with them where they have been made aware of too many details or things he has done to you. You both need to be the adults and try to keep the hurtful and nasty details of your marriage to yourselves. If he won't, at least you can. Be the bigger person here.

Yes, you should absolutely be there for your kids and speak to them about their feelings, help them process them and help them understand the situation. Yet it's not ok for them to know details of what and who does what, or how much each one hurts the other and how.

I am sorry if this comes across as harsh... I don't meant to. I say this because I do see an opportunity here to establish a dialogue with your H (or at least try, since he seems to NOW be more reasonable and open to cooperation), and try to work together to be supportive to your kids and show them that even though you are not together, you can at least be civil to each other and share in welcoming this new baby into this world. Wouldn't that set a good example for your older Ds?

Now, as far as the comment about forbidding the kids to see him this weekend...I am away for the weekend and my mom is there with them. It is MY weekend to be with them and I told them that if dad does want to see you he will have to wait until next weekend.

Look, this is your weekend, yes. So you do have every right to say no. Yet, is that kind? Does it REALLY hurt you in any way if he sees them? Could it perhaps be your hurt or anger motivating you to say no? And more importantly, isn't it better for the girls to see their dad more? You have repeatedly complained that he has not spent enough time with them. Here is an opportunity to facilitate that and it won't affect you, since you won't even be here.
Finally, from a purely practical (and even selfish) POV, you will find yourself in the opposite side of the coin someday and wouldn't you want him to show goodwill towards you when the tables are turned and let you see the kids on a special occasion even if it was his turn?

Also, as far as not including him in any decisions...he has not asked until now. It was only last month that he asked to come to an appt and I orginally said maybe but changed my mind after all the nasty texts I received last week.

If he is not behaving respectfully towards you, then yes, by all means, I agree that you don't need to put up with him. That to me, is a healthy boundary-enforcement reaction.

Yet, if he starts behaving in a respectful manner, why not include him? You still love him, right? You still want him back, right? Remember - keep the road home paved and smooth...

Im very confused. I find myself, once again, thinking in my mind that maybe it was my fault. BUT..I know it wasnt. The comment about mistreatment baffles me. If he EVER felt that way he never told me???

It makes me so sad to hear him say that I am a good person, he loves me, and that will make someone else very happy one day. I must say, as crazy as he has acted..this email sounded very sane to me. Although, he never says anything about what he has done other than he "made some choices".

All this ^^^^ to me, is you going back to HIM. What does he thing, why, why, why... Stop focusing on him. To me, this email was NOT about your R at all, it was about a parenting issue. It was about him wanting to be part of his childrens' lives now. Please, don't make it about your R, as hard as it sounds. If you focus on the kids and making the decisions that are best for them, your confusion about his email will disappear.

I dont want to alienate him from his kids, but they make their own choices and as far as the baby, I feel like he gave up his rights to the birth and the naming, etc when he walked out on me. For 32 weeks he has not cared and now all of the sudden he takes and interest? I cannot help but to think this note was to sweet talk me because the birth is near???

Wow... here comes the real 2x4. This ^^^^ to me sounds all like resentment and bitterness. You claim you don't want to alienate him, BUT...
He did not give up any rights yet. He made mistakes, yes. He has not been a good dad since he left, yes. Yet he has every right to change his mind, make amends and try to fix his actions. It's not your job or your place to say if he gave up any rights to his fatherhood. Like it or not, he is and will always be their father.
He doesn't need to sweet talk you or convince you to let him see his kids. It's his right.

Why, unless he really means it, would he basically say that he wants me to move on? Why if Im a great person and he has fond memories is he still choosing to leave me forever? Also, is it normal for a WAS to be nice sometimes and write nice things?

SB, stay on your sandbox. He is NOT talking here about your R... We've said it before. Stop asking why. Not productive for YOU.

One more thing..we dont need to meet face to face because we already have an agreement. The kids see him once a week and every other weekend if they want to see him. The decisions on the baby will be made after he is born. Why do we need to talk about it at all? He is actively seeing OW and living another life. I even wonder if she helped him compose this email?

Good that you have an agreement re. custody of the girls. Again, he is asking you for a FAVOR and let him see them this weekend. It's your choice to do so or not.
As for the baby, why are you guys going to wait until he is born? That is a terrible decision that will only bring more tension and anxiety to both of you. Why not settle it beforehand?

Why do you need to talk about it AT ALL??? Maybe because he is the father????
Look, as much as it hurts and suK that he is with OW, he still has rights. You know my sitch. The hardest part of it is having an OW being part of our children's lives, yet we cannot control it. And in the end, isn't it better for the kids to have a R with their dad even if there is OW, than not have any R with him at all?

SB - again I am sorry if I am harsh. I have to tell you like I see it. I just want what is best for everyone and I just see a lot of resentment, pain and anger in you THAT I HAD MYSELF when I was in your sitch. I am happy that I was able to put it aside and let my H be a part of the kids' lives by my own choice and not forced by our fighting or a judge. In the end, it's what is best for my kids.

((((((SB))))))


SB
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