The Forgiveness is hard. I find I think I have forgiven H for something but then a week or so later, I realize it had crept back and his not really forgiven. Lol
Agree with SS, Subguy. I think forgiveness will come w time. Don't try to force it. Be kind to yourself. (((())))
I but for now I stand until I cannot stand anymore.
That's pretty much what I'm doing too, just taking it day by day. That's about all we can do anyway.
Great job on the motorcycle lessons. I think I'd be too scared to do that, but it sounds exciting. And it should definitely take your mind off everything when you're concentrating on riding.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Awhile back I had this feeling that something was changing in myself, a few days later, for the first time in my life I believe I experienced true forgiveness. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted.
Since then there has been days where the I feel the nudge of anger and resentment. I am able to brush those feelings to the side and continue to move forward.
A few days ago I posted about a backslide that happened with my W. D talk came up, and it seems to be the only thing that ruffles my feathers. The days prior to that I had been feeling really good, and then bam, a down day. Since then I am back to where I was and maybe even a few steps higher on the ladder. Two steps forward, one step back.
I guess what I am trying to say is trust yourself and trust in this process. I think if we truly are trying to let go and grow as individuals, then forgiveness is a natural step in the process.
Way to go with the riding lessons. I had a bike before our son was born, and they can be so much fun. It is one of those things that is on my goal list. I would love to ride again, especially after watching "Sons of Anarchy". Maybe there are enough of us here we could start the DBMC. Divorce Busting Motorcycle Club
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Thanks everyone, yes the motorcycle lessons are more about beating a fear.
While talking with my BIL I expressed how at some point I had built up a lot of irrational fear. I said I thought it all centered around having children. I was the only income producer for many years and it changed me. I was worried about doing things that I use to do for fear of hurting myself and losing the income. I think it eventually turned into something bigger than just the income (negative brings on more negative kinda thing). My BIL expressed that he has the same fear (interesting), my W never had to work and I don't think she ever really understood the responsibility I felt for this. Whats more interesting is my sister said the same thing. When she was married she never worried about working after her divorce (her X was/is a dead beat dad) she had to work. She said she started having the same fears about her job and it kept her in a place that she hated for many years. It kept her from going for her dreams and desires. My desire to provide for my family eventually took me over.
If someone would have painted a picture of me 22 years ago on what I would have looked like I would have argued maybe even fought with that person. I'm not saying I was perfect then, but I let these fears control me for far to long. It is time I start living life, watching from the side lines is boring. I think after the motorcycle lessons/purchase, I'm going to take Salsa dance lessons. I found a place that is reasonable on the price and it just looks fun. That's right folks I may be 44 years old but these hips are gonna swing lol.
Took D to see the Harlem Globe trotters tonight, we had a blast. Laughing and yelling like a kid again. if anyone has a chance to see them it is worth the money.
Well, now I'm going to try my hand at making a lasagna for my son. He leaves on deployment soon and it's his favorite food. Wish me luck, if it suxx we go to an Italian Restaurant hehe.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I'm sure the lasagna will be yummy. You sound really good, Subguy, taking charge of your life and taking care of yourself. Challenges result in growth a lot of times (but not always, so it's good this challenge is bringing about some good things.)
If my H and I were not in the place we are now, I would've never taken a trip out to CA on my own. I feel independent and strong. I would've never joined the hiking group, or played in a tennis team, or hung out with friends. I had no life except for focusing on my M and work.
So as hard as this is, some good things have happened for me, and they are happening for you, too :-)
This is something I've had to work on and still struggle with.
On the day of the GC trip, I wanted to leave earlier, it's a 6-7 hr drive, easy, but the weather is a factor and I like to be settled by dark. My son had gone out the night before to a friend's house so didn't get up early and then had to pack etc before leaving. On the way home I was dropping him at the airport for a trip to Canada.
So while waiting for him to get ready, I at different times felt that panic rising. Old me would have ranted or gotten angry and silent making everyone unhappy. I had to talk myself through what I was feeling and why and just let him know without the freak-out factor that I wanted to leave by a certain time.
As it turned out many people might say, "see, you were right, you should have left earlier." Maybe, but then we would have had a completely different time. We were never really in any danger, we could have been had we acted stupidly. We always had options so instead of a trip we had a bit of an adventure and now it will be one of those treasured memories in years to come.
We do need to live the life we're given not the life we wish we had.
Me too. It is the control rearing its ugly head. My son is constantly in danger of missing bus in morning. Only missed it twice, but can walk up street to get it. I still say c'mon hurry up, but don't get angry. I have explained to him that it freaks me out (especially if I had to drive, almost an hour round trip, if he missed bus). So now I remind him that if I say hurry up, it is because it is one of the things that freaks me out, not because I am angry lol
Thanks everyone, yes the motorcycle lessons are more about beating a fear.
While talking with my BIL I expressed how at some point I had built up a lot of irrational fear. I said I thought it all centered around having children. I was the only income producer for many years and it changed me. I was worried about doing things that I use to do for fear of hurting myself and losing the income. I think it eventually turned into something bigger than just the income (negative brings on more negative kinda thing). My BIL expressed that he has the same fear (interesting), my W never had to work and I don't think she ever really understood the responsibility I felt for this. Whats more interesting is my sister said the same thing. When she was married she never worried about working after her divorce (her X was/is a dead beat dad) she had to work. She said she started having the same fears about her job and it kept her in a place that she hated for many years. It kept her from going for her dreams and desires. My desire to provide for my family eventually took me over.
If someone would have painted a picture of me 22 years ago on what I would have looked like I would have argued maybe even fought with that person. I'm not saying I was perfect then, but I let these fears control me for far to long. It is time I start living life, watching from the side lines is boring. I think after the motorcycle lessons/purchase, I'm going to take Salsa dance lessons. I found a place that is reasonable on the price and it just looks fun. That's right folks I may be 44 years old but these hips are gonna swing lol.
Took D to see the Harlem Globe trotters tonight, we had a blast. Laughing and yelling like a kid again. if anyone has a chance to see them it is worth the money.
Well, now I'm going to try my hand at making a lasagna for my son. He leaves on deployment soon and it's his favorite food. Wish me luck, if it suxx we go to an Italian Restaurant hehe.
Yes!!! As you know, H and I are on pretty good terms...this is one of the fears that keeps him in a job he hates. He recently confided that he had a five year plan and I said good for you!! Get out of the stupid job you hate!! I love what I do and didn't have to work either. Now I will have to, but difference is that I would do my job for free, if I could afford it financially
I am just beginning to understand the helplessness and responsibility of sole income earners. I understand why my comments over the years of money etc. must have been exceedingly hurtful. I also understand the resentment that comes through.
It is good to know that these feelings and desires are common to others as well. I always tend to think that I am the only one experiencing 'x" at any given time lol!
Although, let me say this, subguy, I never felt that H took what I did every day seriously. The kids, the school, the homework, the housework etc. Always felt I was less, somehow. How did your wife truly feel?
Subguy, this interests me in your previous post my W never had to work, what does that mean? Did she really do nothing for 23 years?
I went back to your first thread trying to find her complaints about you and didn't find anything.
What are her complaints?
What I meant by that was she never had to have a job outside the home, if she did work it was for extra spending money. She worked/works really hard, that was/is not a complaint on my part.
What are her complaints?? Thats part of the problem, she will not tell me. I asked her what she was unhappy about and she said she could not point to any one thing in particular. She told the counselor that she did not like to discuss her feelings, that she was horrible at it.
With that being said all I have to go on are arguments we have had. I do not listen to her. I am obsessed with money (not sure why on this one). I do not show emotion.
I have come up with a list of things i would like to change based on my opinions of me and our relationship as well. I can post those again if you'd like to see them.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
