Hey CV, thanks for the prayers. I made it. I'm being told that the hard part is over. We'll see. My family is well meaning but want me to make plans which is overwhelming at the moment. So I'm outside typing to you instead. Haha. Just want to crawl in a hole. Anyway, thanks. I'll be back later.
Hope you're hanging alright, LIS. I know you know your family means well. I hope you're getting to enjoy them some. At least it's a different view, different faces. And faces that love and support you on top of it.
Give it time. Everyone just wants the best for you and hate to see you suffering.
Yeah, what I want and what's best for me are in two different camps at the moment. I was feeling overwhelmed because I do get what everyone is saying and that I need to keep moving forward but I need time to get my bearings about me. Spent a night in brainless conversation with a couple of friends last night and I have to say that was the most "normal" I've felt in awhile. The xanax didn't hurt I feel bad for those dealing with me because none of them know exactly what to do. I can be a tough nut to crack. It's funny, those are the times I also miss my H. He always seemed to be able to reel me in a bit. Made me feel safe. But those days are long gone.
So, CV, tell me... you've been sitting here with your revelation for a couple of days. What are you thinking now? Do you think you could trust him again?
Haha CV. I don't go looking for my horoscope, it just automatically posts to my Facebook page (no idea why), but here's today:
"You need to make a radical change in some aspect of your life -- probably related to your home. It could be time to buy or sell or just to move on to some more promising location."
And my mood is apparently "impatient." LOL!
I don't put any stock in it either, but the humor isn't lost on me.
OMG! I don't know if I would find that humorous or disturbing! lol! As much as I don't believe in horoscopes, I do believe that God/the universe speaks to us in the medium that we listen to. Sometimes it's a phone call at just the right time, a song that plays on the radio, a new friend that suddenly enters our life , etc.
If only there was a "Is this really you?" button!
Well done on the mindless conversation. That really is a big accomplishment. I sometimes find it really difficult to take my mind off of things, and friends are good for that. I suspect that Xanax would be to! lol! I should get me some of that. I have a bit of a fear of what I would do on it, since I'm holding on by a thread already. I might just let go of the thread and run like the wind!
As for H, the epiphany is still with me. No, I don't think I can ever trust him again. Since he really hasn't changed anything, I would be a fool if I did. And he's so averse to change, I don't think he'll do anything voluntarily. I'm still going to keep working on me, but I give the M less than a 1% chance of success. Knowing that has alleviated a lot of the pressure I put on myself to figure out a way to make it work. It *can't* work without trust.
I approached him in a conversation yesterday. I really thought it would go well, because it was focused on MY behavior. Since I'm still working on me, I don't mind using him as a mirror. Well H has always accused me of being controlling. I pointed out that I was really working on it, gave him a few examples of situations where I avoided something I thought he might consider controlling on my part. He said that's not what he was talking about, that he has a different meaning when he says I'm being controlling.
So I tried to get some examples from him. This is something he has accused me of for our entire M. I spent 2 hours pursing it from him and never could get an example. At one point, he asked if he could get back to me, and I said no (I broke the rules there, I know) because this is something he has been crabbing about for 18 years, that he would outright categorize me as controlling still today, so it shouldn't take time to come up with a few examples. Anyway, he finally just stomped off, pixxed at me.
Isn't that something? I tell him I'm working on my behavior to address my stuff that he doesn't like, ask him to help me to understand what those behaviors are, and he doesn't tell me anything and then stomps off mad.
So I think I've determined that I can't used H as a mirror. No biggie, I'm not completely blind to my own faults.
Hahahaha! I NEED one of those buttons. I have no idea which end is up.
What do you mean that you are "holding on by a thread already?" Then later you say "no biggie." I realize the "no biggie" is in relation to using your H as a mirror, but sometimes you sound so hurt but then get this steely resolve as to almost not acknowledge it. You are allowed to be hurt, CV. And you are supposed to acknowledge it. I worry, I guess.
I know what it is to feel like I'm talking to someone who isn't responsive. My H would play the shell game with me. I would talk about an issue we were having and he'd respond about how the treasury might mint a $1 trillion coin. It was insane to me. And very very hurtful. Somedays I wanted to shake him. But, for me? Most days I didn't think he cared about me all that much. And he probably does in his own way. Unfortunately, "his own way" is not an environment I'm able to thrive in. My problem? Sure. Doesn't take away from the deep hurt and loss I feel. What burns me the most? He wasn't anything like this throughout our relationship. He'd literally chase me around the house when there was an issue to get it resolved quickly. Now, he can't run far enough.
Anyway, it's fine to be tough, but it's important to acknowledge the hurt.
Has your H said anything today regarding yesterday's events?
If you find one of those buttons, get me one, too! In fact, get me two, in case I wear out the first one!
Hanging on by a thread was really just referencing my goal of sticking it out for S12, and then escaping to focus on my life. I don't even care if we D. I just look forward to being able to make plans for myself without having to constantly consider what someone else would want. I just have to manage to not kill him in his sleep before then.
Regarding the hurt, I don't think it's so much that I don't acknowledge it. I think it just comes and goes so quickly. When he stomped off? I was shocked, but only for a second. I chastised myself, because I know better, but that only lasted for a second, too. I've just run this course soooo many times, recovery is pretty instantaneous. Like scratching a lottery ticket when you don't really expect to win, versus scratching it off because you really need it and expect to win. The same disappointment will result in totally different reactions because the expectation was different going in.
After H walks off, he plays the "hiding" game. Standard response for conflict-avoidant types. And that's fine, because I have no desire to be around him anyway. The only problem I have is that at some point, he'll re-engage with me and pretend like nothing ever happened and I'm supposed to be good with that. Yeah, ... not so much.
My H is king of the shell game. But I'm not actually sure he does it intentionally. I'll ask him a point-blank question that can be answered with a simple yes or no. He'll respond with something completely unrelated. So I'll acknowledge his statement then ask the question again. He'll do the same thing. My H's biggest complaint is how long our conversations last, but if he would just stay on topic and contribute and help with a resolution, instead of making it a contest or a "shell-game" as you called it (like that!), we could be done in a fraction of the time. But I really think he does what he does because oftentimes the only practical solution requires that HE change, and he just doesn't want to.
I think there is something very important in your response. You said that you've managed your expectations. I guess I couldn't do that. I controlled it better, but to say that I got it under control would be a complete lie on my part.
My H also will have a "bad" interaction with me and then come back and act as if nothing was wrong. I was frustrated by that. The two months leading up to the holidays were BAD because I became more and more frustrated. New Year's eve was the final blowup. He just sat there acting like nothing was wrong (Christmas was a disaster). We drove 13 hours back to TN and barely had a word for one another. Then sat there on New Year's and not saying a word... and I just thought it was insane and I asked him to leave (which he did without argument). I mean why bother with someone who really couldn't care less if you're around? He came back a couple of days later. And nothing was wrong again. Only I had flipped out this time. I could no longer stand to be in the same room. I had hit the wall. It sounds like you control your emotions better.
I'm sad to hear that you have gotten to the point you've gotten to. And I will tell you, I get it so much. Your H and my H have a lot in common. But D is horrid and if there's a way to avoid it, avoid it. But if you lose yourself in the process, it might be time to move on. I wanted so badly to save my M that I kind of lost my focus on me in the process. A friend had told me a couple of weeks ago that H was trying in his own way. That rattled me and probably delayed the inevitable. I kept trying to figure out what more I could do. But what it finally came down to was, while that may be true, I'm not handling the situation well at all. And there has to be a point where you fight for yourself. I can't continue to blame H for my misery. I said as much to him when I told him I was leaving. But, CV? It stinks. I'm not happy now either. I want to run home right now. This isn't fun. It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. So think hard. Keep talking here. Maybe we just haven't stumbled across the whole answer yet.
I wouldn't say I've got mine completely under control either. I mean, we all have expectations simply because the other person is a human being, something called "basic courtesy." We all expect to be able to operate by some minimal standards. Even H will tell you that lying is bad, and he certainly doesn't want me doing it to him. But then he does it and shoots my expectations. So I wouldn't even say that I've managed them, but rather that I've learned that they're pointless to have. I would be a fool to expect H not to lie to me. There has to be a reason to have an expectation and I simply don't have that reason. I could insist that I should be able to have it, especially since H even claimed the same expectation, but that wouldn't change anything.
I read a quote recently that said "expectations are disappointments waiting to happen." I agree with that in concept, though it's a little morose. I think we have to live by some expectations or we would never get out of bed. But I'm pretty practical about things and don't have expectations where they're not really warranted by their own standing.
How are you doing? I know you said you just wanted to run back home. You know what you would be running back to. Are you able to get any moments of peace?
I would say you got it a lot more under control than I ever did. I think I expected somewhere deep inside that he would declare his undying love, quit drinking and move me back to the northeast where I wanted to go. I mean did I overtly expect it? No. But somewhere inside, I think I pinned all my hopes on that.
Your quote is a good one. There are people who live that way and are happier for it. Perhaps that is something else I need to work on.
How was your weekend with H following your "talk?" Did he have anything further to say?
I've had a bad morning. Didn't sleep well last night. Then my husband texted:
H: morning me: good morning him: I hope you have a good day me: u too
Anyway, for no good reason, it just depressed me. My horoscope today said my lucky time of day was 2 a.m. Nothing happened. LOL. I guess it's safe to say God isn't talking to me through my FB horoscope.
I feel bad for those dealing with me because none of them know exactly what to do. I can be a tough nut to crack. It's funny, those are the times I also miss my H. He always seemed to be able to reel me in a bit. Made me feel safe. But those days are long gone.