you're rite - I know - it IS good to be alive, normal and sane (relatively anyway). i do get mired in the crap. on the whole- i'm happier to be alive than not most of the time - .
i look at my 88 year old mom- she's a mess- nice one minute a real snake the next- it stinks- it's her "journey" - old age - unfixable by me - just like my own life. i hate the thought that it's "unfixable" - but as you said- if it were "fixed" i'd know it. that is the sad but unmistakable truth.
(tho - i sure didn't "read" the signs correctly in life with this guy- been mistaken forever it would seem) duhhhhhh.....
silly me - i tought a kind act, a loving act - meant love.
that's the hardest part to swallow- the no power part. it's true tho, isn't it? we're sooooo accustomed to think we do have some power- but with other people - none.
i'm with you- i don't think this "hit bottom" stuff matters. i guess it's a matter of how the heck long we will "wait". my h- i don't think he'll do anything remarkable one way or the other. maybe ever. he's always had totally nutball ideas on relationships a& life (i always thought he was just jacking me around for fun) and i always didn't think they were harmful. oh cripes - only to me apparently. my mistake here- not looking out for number one more. oh well.....
i don't think he's suffering- i don't think he can even fathom what he's making me feel- he's only aware of what he feels - just his self-protection hard shell in life. he won't feel anything that makes him uncomfortable (well, and acknowledge it). that is that. i am a fool to even bother at this point- i suspect it's still just me unwilling to let go and swim for it. (i'm a lousy swimmer btw)
this rock bottom- my alcoholic sister hit bottom- "EVERYONE" SAID THEY have to - it was dying . oops - some rock bottom huh? talk about no second chances
with h - i think he's the pen-ultimate self-preservationist. maybe in life- one woman is much the same as another- and his brain cannot even appreciate the individual. i may kid myself that he ever saw what was different or special about me (and appreciated it). and if he did now- that i would change a darn thing.
i am able lately to do things i enjoy and even look forward to a project or garden - so i'm thinking it's a big step forward. (to what? don't know) - just glad to have some interest again-
my ultimate (giant decision to leave) is still on my back- i cannot see any other ending to this- but i'm not going there yet- (since i'm not rushing forward to anything "better" -
self-preservation on my part? don't know- thanks for input-
your w probably wants to "get to you" even still- maybe it's that man woman thing. i would love to really provoke a heartfelt response from this guy - one that i could SEE the result of- i would love to see him feel pain- just so i knew he was human - just because he inflicts so damn much. will i ever ? i don't think so. i don't think he has a normal "heart" in there - i'll die on the vine and leave out of frustration.
what i can't figure out is why he is perfectly pleasant now that I know (and kind of hate him) about his ea. he is not on the warpath - as he was. he thinks i was looking for a fight allll that time. he was absolutely awful- all the time. can he be so blind? why in the world would it produce niceness now? it's gross to be pleasant and cheat? what is up with that? i say cheat- get caught - leave - go have what it is you want soooooo bad you chucked it all for. the end...
is it a man thing? can you guys ever just show it- say it? or isn't it there? i wonder sometimes. i know it's pure evil to paint you all with the same brush-
i honestly want to believe there are decent and kindly guys out there - i've lost my way with this totally. Gay ray says "love finds you" - is he rite? we wonder-
hope your day is wonderful - you sure sound "over it all". i hope i come to that place sometime (sooner rather than later). i still find it hard to believe this jerk can chuck someone as , well, pleasant and satisfactory for a life companion- as me.
oh well huh???? still trying to stop dis- believing the apparent truth...
