he has thrown it in my face, saying that he is getting away with everything.
He has even gone as far as saying maybe he should push it since nobody can stop him. My repose to that months ago was for him not to read my silence as weakness, he agreed out loud. He said at times he's scared of me.
oh man- this is a nagging little aspect of my sitch too. i've even said the exact same thing- (i don't feel so "weak" anymore- i do hate to think in terms of the finality (and i do tend to) ) i think, tho, the bottom line is that my h is, in fact "having it all". why he would even want to change anything - i cannot fathom.
if i'm honest- i don't think he will change a thing if i were to deliver an ultimatum- and i also think if he realized it was all his mistake- it would take a long long time- OR MORE REALISTICALLY- his powers of self preservation- delusion- control are such that he'd just make hmself believe he was happy anyway and tra la off into the sunset. i have no faith in his character or brain anymore i guess.
it's sickening to think- he thinks because he hasn't moved in with ow or see her allll the time (she's in a different town) it matters less - i believe he "chats" with her every day via cellphone & e-mails (and whowever else he's dug up to entertain himself with) . i find that particularly childish and for me, gross.
i am also creeped out to think alot of my "standing for" this all is my , what? laziness, fear- alot of uncomplimentary things about me.
the bit of ending up totally totally alone with no "back up" guy is what stops me totally. i'm assuming you too- at the end of the day, if you were in a car crash - your h would probbly come- "save" ya. in a loose sense- can't even define what it means or means to me- it's "someone there".
otherwise- nobody. i don't kid myself about my family & friends- it's a crap shoot- who you could count on. i'm not judging- they've all got their lives & families. i'm not their "problem".
did that make sense to you? i tolerate this reprehensible treatment - think ill of myself about that - and there you have it.
it's that, like you- the fact that for allllll these years we were our own "world" - I didn't have to need a darn other person- and i don't want to rely on anyone else- they are unknown factors. they might be great emotional support- but who is gonna fetch me a cup of water if i'm croaking on my stupid bed? (now that i say that- he's in fl most of the time- not here to fetch that water anyhow) (as usual - me wanting what i had )
are we ever going to have the intestinal fortitude to walk away calmly - short of being shoved out the door? (me anyway) - this morning I wonder.
tho, i admit- if i won a lottery and money was no concern at all- i just might (real forceful huh? "might" - GOD - grow some woman (me) this is quite sickening i guess to read.
today mwd - i'm not sure anymore that this "wait it out" is possible - and might not even work in the end.
ta da - waivering here- hope you're doing okay- i'm going to read on (and comment i'm sure)
