Apparently XW2 screamed at him that he ruined her life. In their relationship, she is the one who left. And basically never spoke to him again despite having a child together. She never even fully explained to H why she left, instead said cryptically "If you don't know, I'm not telling you." H says through old gf/ow he has learned that a 3rd party told XW2 that H cheated on her. H swears he didn't. H feels he needs the opportunity to explain this to XW2 because part of her screaming was that "she married him for life" and he feels she's still in love with him (no ego insufficiency for H ) I don't follow his logic on how learning that she had been misinformed is going to make her feel better.
She sounds to me, as I play armchair psychiatrist without even ever having met her, as if she has some personality issues. Issues not unlike what MLCers have in that its all about her and an inability to see the big picture. The thought of H "fixing" her sounds to me like the blind leading the blind.
During his account to me he used the phrase
"I have to tell her she was wrong about me because it will help her to know that I did love her and had enough regard for her not to cheat."
May I say, AH-MAY-ZING. Simply amazing. H can lie there, next to a woman who has loved him through hell and back for 20 years, who he HAS cheated on, and say something like that. I didn't punch him in the face. Did consider it lol. But no, I didn't even comment on THAT verbal gift. Points for me maybe.
But from what H says (dubious source lol) he kept his cool through out the evening. His S even approached H and asked if he was ok, referred to XW2 as "crazy". And here's a funny thing, H's S never told XW2 and her family that H was going to be there. LOL. What a mess.
Read something the other day that I think applies to me.
Love mixed together with periods of scary behavior or of severe rejection, devaluing, or selfishness can produce a bond that controls you more powerfully than love that is given to you unaccompanied by these kinds of pain.
"rejection, devaluing or selfishness" describes an awful lot of my R with H. Being aware of this tether has allowed me to see how I am entangled and how I have allowed it to continue for so long. Maybe I'll even learn to undo the knots.
And meanwhile back on the "ranch" its pouring and we have a fair chance of getting flooded. ....wouldn't want to get bored I suppose....
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
) I don't follow his logic on how learning that she had been misinformed is going to make her feel better.
....wouldn't want to get bored I suppose....